Jaleel's Funeral June 16, 2006

Subject : Jaleel's funeral... He's gone forever!!!!

Posted Date: : Jun 16, 2006 7:17 PM

So as most of you know we had Jaleel's funeral at 11am this morning.  We had a service at the cemetary.  He was there with the casket closed. As the Rev was talking about god and Jaleel being in a better place it was hard to concentrate on what he was saying, because as I stared at his little coffin I couldn't stop my mind from racing.  Thinking of how I'd never seen him grow bigger.  How I'll never see his face in the flesh again, never get to hold him again, never know if his hair would have been curly like his daddy's.  I’ve never know what he would have looked like at 6 months, 1 year, a teenager, an adult.  The only way I can visit him now is to go to his grave, but I'll never see him again.  I wasn't able to see him one more time, but maybe it's better that way.  It was so hard to have to say good-bye.  Anytime I have ever gone to a funeral and gone to the cemetery afterwards they would wait for the family to leave to bury the person, but today they put Jaleel in the ground & buried him while we were all still there.  It was so incredibly hard to watch that, but I couldn't bring myself to walk away and not look.  They put him in the ground gently and put him & the coffin in a box that fit the coffin, maybe so nothing can get in his coffin, and the coffin had a cover on it.  As they started putting dirt on his coffin I was thinking do it gently even though they were.  I was thinking he can hear  that and must be loud even though I know he's not alive anymore, but I'm still his mommy and still want to protect him, and I know I will always be his mommy.  One of Allen's family members made a laminated card of Jaleel.  Had his pic on the front & on the back it had his name spelled out.  Like J is for A is for etc....  I took that laminated picture and put it in my wallet right next to Michaela and Nicholas's picture.  I was telling Allen I never had a picture of all three of my kids together.  So what I am going to do it take a picture of Michaela & Nicholas and then a separate picture of Jaleel and take it to the jeweler and get a heart shape necklace and have him put the pics together to make it look like it's one of all three of them.  I did that one year for Nicholas's grandmother.  Took two separate pictures of Jamie (Nick's half-brother from his dad) & Nicholas & put it on a heart necklace.  So I know it can be done.  Speaking of pictures...  Allen & his sister Rose took pictures of Jaleel at the wake in his coffin.  We don't do that in my family, but I know Allen does.  I mean Jaleel did look good, Tara (the embalmer) did a very good job, but still why do people want pictures of someone dead in their coffin?  Why would you want to be reminded of that can someone explain it to me?  I mean I can understand a little more for someone who lost her baby & even though he wasn't alive when he was born she still wanted a picture of him.  That happened to one of my friends, so I can understand that.  But we have many pics of Jaleel so why do we need any of him when he died?  I remember saying damn I took so many pics of Jaleel you'd think I was a 1st time mother, because you always know when you can spot a 1st time mother by all the pictures she takes of her child,lol.  But now I am so glad I took so many.  I wish I had one of Allen, Jaleel, & I together.

I think if I have learned anything from losing Jaleel it is don't take things for granted because there is no guarantee that person or the thing you put off will be there tomorrow.  Monday I had said to Allen's mother" I was going bring Jaleel over Sunday to meet His Uncle Lewis and Perrie, and her his Aunt Diane to meet him.  I told her oh well there's always another Sunday, but there isn't now.  Or how I was going to take a pic of Anitra (Jaleel's sister) holding him, but I said to myself I'll just take it some other day.  Or how many times I broke a promise to my kids cuz I didn't feel like going to the park  So don't take life or your children for granted.

Two of Allen's nieces are due to have babies.  One in July & One due in August.  Allen told his niece Wendy she could have Jaleel's crib.  I know I won't have another child but I like going in his room seeing his crib there and crying and thinking about the memories I have of him.  I know I will never forget my precious little angel, but if his crib is gone it's like he never existed, and his presence was never felt in this house.  I'm not ready to let go so quickly.  I am going to save all of his clothes and his bedding, and his pacifiers.  I will never give that stuff away, and I will never forget him.

Last night I cried.  I do every night when I go to bed since he's be gone.  I think of how he's supposed to be in the bed with me.  I wanted to just have him be there last night so I could hold him in my arms while I watched him sleep until I fell asleep.  I slept with his hat again and teddy bear.  Allen asked me if I was okay but he knew i wasn't so he held me, I needed that.  And when I woke up this morning I still had his little hat in my hand.  I felt like if I let go of it in my sleep, Jaleel put it back in my hand.  I don't know if there is a God or a heaven, or if his spirit is up there now, or if he ends where his life ended, but I think when something like this happens we all need to believe there is a place called heaven where Jaleel is giving people love and joy with that happy and content personality and bring joy with those beautiful dark eyes of his and his cute grin.  I don't even have a picture of him smiling...  I'll never know if he was a laid back happy go lucky kind of person like his dad, would he of had a short temper like his mommy?  I am sure when I see a baby his age or a child that should be his age, I will think of him.  But I am so afraid we only had a short time with him and so afraid I will forget those precious memories of him.  I know I'll never forget him, but I always want to remember everything about him.  Sometimes I feel so bad laughing I feel like I shouldn't be laughing or be happy I'm supposed to be mourning my baby boy.  It seems like everyone else it going on with their life including Allen and I'm her stuck in time.  I know life goes on but seems to be going on too quickly.  How long before people forget him?  How long before people stop talking about him?  I always want to talk to him to keep his memory alive in ours and my own heart and life.

This poem is from one of my BC girls thank you it makes me feel a little better reading it:

What Makes A Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard Him say

"A Mother has a baby"

This we know is true

"But, God, can you be a Mother

When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can" He replied

With confidence in His voice

"I give many women babies

When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay"

"I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here"

He took a breath and cleared His throat

And then I saw a tear

"I wish that I could show you

What your child is doing today

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear

My Mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who had so much love for me

I learned my lesson very quickly

My Mommy set me free

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

Mommy, don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I'm here'

"So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are okay

Your babies are in my home

And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with me

Until our lesson is through

And on the day that you come home

They'll be at the gates for you

So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on Earth may not realize

You are a Mother

Until their time is done

They'll be up here with me one day

And know you're the best one!"

What You Don't Say to Grieving Parents.

Okay I have a list of don'ts. I also have a list of Do's. Maybe this is my angry stage but it is also a genuine attempt to get people to understand what we are going through.

1. Don't ask us when or if we are going to have more children. Naylen was not a puppy. She is not replaceable. That question has no place in our grief process.
2.Don't say, "Enough about that" when we try to talk about her. Each of us needs support. Being a father does not mean that it does not hurt.
3.Don't repeat or makeup disgusting stories about how our baby died in order to justify it. There is no justification. Nothing makes it make sense. She is gone, that is enough.
4.If you hear someone say something negative about us or Nay's death don't tell us. We do not need the added hurt.
5.Don't not say her name. Talk about her. We love to talk about Naylen. Sure we might cry but not because you mentioned her, because we are hurting. Nothing anyone can say to me can hurt me anymore than I am already hurting so please quite tip-toeing around me.
6. Don't wait for us to call you. Reach out to us. We will probably not call you. We are a little wrapped up in ourselves and we are hurting. We feel like it is unfair to share that with you. So if you want to help us and be part of this process then call us, check on us, come by, see us, Don't wait for the right time. There is never a wrong time for friendship.
7.Do not expect us to be over this. If we act okay it does not mean we are not still hurting. This hurt will never go away. Understand that years from we will still suffer from this loss. You can't ignore it forever.
8. Don't forget that our children are suffering too. Kirsten is nine and she is old enough to truly feel this loss. Kinsley while young, is old enough to know that our entire household has turned upside down.
9. Don't be afraid to talk to me about other things. I still care about everything and everyone I cared about before. Still come to me with your own problems and news. I am lonely enough now without also being left out of your lives.
10.Don't act like we are contagious. I know that Naylen dying forces people to face their own mortality and the mortality of their children. But SIDS and infant death is not contagious. Sharing our grief does not mean it will become yours.
11. Do not offer to buy my bed. Do not offer me a new one. I will deal with that issue when I am ready.
12.Don't be afraid to ask us questions. Bascially don't  be afraid of us. We are different people now. I am not sure who we will be or who we are but we still love you.

If you have done any of these things we forgive you. We understand that this is unchartered territory for all of us. We know that Naylen's life is so much bigger than any of this. Don't let any of that stop you from talking to us. We have lost Naylen, we do not want to lose you too.

List of Do's

1.DO TALK ABOUT NAYLEN. WE LOVE TO TALK ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL OUR DAUGHTER WAS AND IS. WE LOVE TO SHARE STORIES ABOUT HER AND REMEMBER EVERY LITTLE COO.
2.Do stop by the house, call us, ask us to go out, make plans. We still like you all.
3.Do show me your pictures of Nay. Looking at my baby never hurts.
4.Do light a candle for Nay everytime you visit this site. I love to know that people are thinking about her. It gives me great comfort.
5.Do visit Nay's grave. Leave her trinkets. Again we like to know that she is also on your mind.

Naylen is always going to be my baby. I loved her from the moment I knew she was coming. She was only here two months but that does not diminish how I feel about her or her death. She was a part of us and we have lost her. Our family will always be lacking now. We no longer have the luxury of ignorance. Please remember that. You cannot put yourselves in our place. Thank God for that. I hope you never can. But at least attempt to imagine what this must feel like. Think about what you would want to hear and what you wouldn't.

Naylen: Three Months Old

Baby Nay,

Another day without you. I have been surrounded by people who love me and you. I have a new appreciation for them all. It has helped make this void in my life not so harsh. But no matter what all the talking in the world cannot fix this for me. I try everyday to remember positive things. It is a work in progress for me baby. I lie down at night and cradle your blankets just to smell you.
I mourn the fact that my body has given up on you even though my heart hasn't. I put your clothes away in your special trunk yesterday. I didn't even cry. It is almost like I am all cried out. I want to cry and scream but it just doesn't come. I feel so broken.
It occured to me yesterday while I was feeling guilty yet again for being able to function that no matter how old you are you would not want me to cease functioning to mourn you. I know this but I cannot stop the guilt. Life just goes right on without you and that seems so unfair. It minimizes your impact. It makes what you are to me seem smaller. But what you are to me is not small.
I think back on being pregnant with you and I remember worrying that having another baby so soon wasn't a good idea. I remember worrying that something would be wrong with you and knowing that that wouldn't matter. Then I think back on the morning you were born. I remember it like I just did it this morning. I was so scared. I didn't get sick with you like I did the other girls. And then you came so quickly and looked so big. I remember being awash with pure joy. Amazed at your perfection. Those lips, those eyes. Your skin was so clear and pretty. And just that tiny little hair fuzz. Your were hairy all over. My peach.
Hey Good Lookin what ya got cookin? I would push your nose and call it your happy button. Or that whole side to side head movement when I touched your face, determination to find a nipple.
We went to Walmart and picked up every pacifier they had to find one you liked. And you liked the same kind Kinsley had. The same kind I had.
You were so warm and heavy in my arms. You loved the baby sling. And the bath. My first bath baby. It took me three babies to figure out lukewarm water is unacceptable for little ones. You loved the car. You loved everyone. The swing. You would stay there for hours. I let you cry more than I had the other two. I knew it wouldnt hurt you. I wish I hadn't. I wish every whimper had sent me running.
I wish I had never put you down. Not once. We were at shop that day and I ran out of diapers and put on of Kinsley's size 5's on you. You were all swallowed up. It was a like a bodysuit.
You loved for Daddy hold you like a football. You wanted us to beat on you all time. No light burping for Naylen. We had to work it out of you.
And the colic. Two hours a night. Constant screaming. I would get so annoyed. So frustrated. Your Dad and I would pass you back and forth. I wish I could hear you cry again. I wouldn't pass you off this time.
You took that bottle right away. I was so hurt that I was so easily replaceable to you. Kinsley and Kirsten resisted the bottle. They only wanted to nurse. You didn't care, food was fod. I took it as a rejection which is so silly. I actually said out loud once that you and I hadn't bonded like I had with your sisters. I recanted it that week before you left me. I am so grateful I knew better.
You were so easy going. Kinsley loved to hold you. "Me hold Baby Nay". I went to the bathroom that time and came back in and she was holding you not sitting down. I was so worried and amused at the same time.
I forgot you in the car at home that day. I was so busy with Kirsen I left you in the car for those few minutes. I came back and you were mad. I can't believe I forgot you. When I got you out you quit crying immediately and fell asleep. Just because I was there.
You were so cute at the greenhouse. That day I cut the tile and some of the water splashed on your seat. There were little orange spots all over your beautiful seat. I washed it. Two days later your diaper exploded and left a little poo spot on the seat. I didn't get it washed yet. Then you died and I was so relieved I hadn't washed it. I was so relieved that it still smelled like you and not pricey fabric softener Daddy likes so much.
We just bought that bedroom suit while I was pregnant with you. We justified spending too much on it by saying that this was the bed our babies would sleep in. We would create our family there. At night we would lie down in it and marvel over the mattress. I could put you in the bed and you would nestle sort of down into it and go to sleep right away. Anywhere else you wanted to lie on me but in the bed you wanted to lie on the mattress. We joked about how you were a girl who liked luxury. You needed down to be comfortable.
You died in that bed. The bed that was supposed to be where we all came back together. You died there.
I walk in the room at see it. I see you there, still and gray. I can't sleep there. I am drawn to look at it. I thought about giving it away but I don't want anyone else sleeping there either. Kirsten wanted to sleep there when she had Sam over but I told them no. I don't want to put another child of mine in that bed. What do I do with this new white elephant in the room? I keep telling myself what  a waste of money it would be to get rid of it. I am still paying for it. And then I tell myself that maybe one day the two months of your life will outweigh that one moment. Maybe I will not see you there dead everytime. Maybe I will see you cooing and nuzzling instead. Maybe I will remember the joy of that bed with you. And when we move maybe it will be like taking you with me. I mean the bassinet and swing are gone. That was your bed so maybe it will bring you to our new home also.
And yet I cannot imagine lying in that bed with Kinsley or loving your father in that bed. The place where you ended. Where life stopped for you. I know this is not something I need to deal with today but it is always present in my mind. Since the place you lived is also the place you died how do I remember it? Which is more important?
I guess it really boils down to was your life more important that your death? And can I live with either answer?
I am still in disbelief that this happened. To me, to you, to us. How did this happen? This gave me God but wasn't there another way? Was I so closeminded that my child had to be my personal sacrificial lamb? Couldn't I have become the person I was meant to be without you dying? If not what does that say about me?
You are my child. I created you. I grew you inside of me. I nursed you and held you and loved you. I don't know how to end that. I don't know how to have an angel when I should have a baby. I would rather have you. Is that selfish? If Heaven is truly what they say then you are better off, free from all of these earthly constrictions. So is it fair of me to want you here instead? I need you here. I want you here. I want you back in my arms with your baby smell and stinky diapers. I want to dress you in frilly little outfits and Old Navy clothes. I want to show you off and gloat about how smart and strong you are. I want to marvel in every burp and be amazed by each basic function. I want to hear your first word and know that you mush be the smartest baby in the world to say it.
I want you back. I can't have that though so now what? I show off albums instead to people who don't know what to say to me? I talk about how beautiful you were? I speak your name into awkward silences forever? The joy your name should have caused now cause discomfort. People are so scared to hurt us and also face the mortality of it. After all we are living breathing proof that children die. That good parents lose their babies. We are living proof that it coudl happen to them. They are scared, they back away from the knowledge of you because of it. It feels like rejection. It feels like they are dismissing you.
You Naylen, my beautiful baby girl. My complete family. My angel now.
We get to live the rest of our lives always coming back to this blanket of sorrow. Nothing will ever fix it. Nothing will make this right. Nothing will justify the life lost and the experiences we should have had together gone. Can people really spend their entire lives with a broken heart?
Love me Naylen, even from above. Don't forget me. Watch over us. See us grow and know that you are growing with us. See our faults and know that we are human. See our strengths and know that we made you. Know that this is where you came from. And know that we are honored to have created you and held you and love you.
You will always be my child. Thirdborn. Forever my baby now. You will always  be my angel. I will look to  the sky and see you. I will feel you around. I will know that this love I have for you cannot be conquered  by so small a thing as death. That it transcends that. You know that too. That death doesn't end what I feel for you. It is a part of me. You are a part of me.
I will meet you there baby girl.
Love, Mommy

Jaleel's Wake June 15 2006

I want to start this blog off my saying I love you all so very much more than you'll ever know.  You all keep saying how strong I am, but without you girls & your support I wouldn't be this strong.  You give me strength.  I am so glad that my baby Jaleel touched your hearts and if there is a heaven then hopefully he's looking down and seeing how many people loved him & how many lives he touched.

Allen & I went to the funeral home to see Jaleel before the wake tonight.  I was surprised I held together so well, but I think I did because I wasn't alone with him.  The person that did the embalming on Jaleel did such a great job.  Jaleel had a mark on his chin & above his lip, but that was from him dying but it's not very noticeable, I noticed because I'm his mommy.  His fingernails were dark but that's to be expected, and that had to put something on his lips to give them color.  But he looks like he's sleeping.  I know it was my brain playing tricks on me but I swear it looked like every once in a while if I looked at him and I'd see his hand move or his chest rise.  He looked like he was sleeping not like he was dead.  I think it’s because were so use to our babies sleeping so much.  I just wanted to hold him & take him home, in theory that would be gross but you know because he didn't look like he was dead. I just wish this was all a dream and he was really sleeping and I could take him home with be.  Why couldn't it be like “what a wonderful life" and they I get a choice.  I guess because this is real life & not the movies.  He looked really good guys.  I just didn't want to leave him!!!

So the wake was at 7PM tonight and at first I was doing great.  I saw him and wasn't crying.  Allen started crying.  I feel so helpless I wish I could do something for him besides hold him.  The whole family came to view him & say their good-byes to our sweet little angel.  I was sitting there looking at him and couldn't help but think how badly I want to take him home, I never wanted anything so much in my life.  It's not fair I should be writing about how Jaleel won't give me a moment to myself or how all he ever seems to do it eat, he did seem to love to breastfeed.  I remember just sitting there looking at him and thinking I just want to hear him cry again, I want to take him home and have him open those big eyes, or nurse him, or just watching him be content.  I just couldn't stop looking at him.  I could have looked at him forever.  One of Allen's family member’s said some words about Jaleel and said looking at this baby made him think of a fresh flower that still has dew on it & god picked this fresh brand new flower to put in his garden.  As he was talking about god I just wanted to scream "SHUT THE HELL UP".  I don't want to hear he's with god; I want him here with me.  I was a good mommy to him so why if there is a god did he have to take him away from his Mommy & Daddy and all the people that loved him so much.  He talked about how Jaleel didn't get to experience the opportunities that we have, and I have been thinking about that since we lost him.  Simple things like trying his first real food, or walking, or even the chance to experience failure & disappointment.  Ok when I was growing up I never went to church so never believed in him.  My ex-husband got me believing in god & reading the bible.  But when something like this happens it makes you question a higher power as god.  Right now my faith in him is shaken.  How could he take away such a precious wonderful little boy who barely just made it here on this planet?  How could he bring so much grief and heart wrenching pain to us? Why does he need Jaleel so much when I am the one who needs him the most?  What did I do for him to feel the need to take him away?  Did I believe in him too late?   Did I not pray enough?  Did he not agree with my lifestyle?  I remember asking a while ago why God takes away babies that are still in their mothers’ wombs or make children suffer and have problems like down syndrome or cebral palasy?  Their response was God has a job for people to come to earth and believe in him and some people live 80 years and others finish their time on earth much sooner.  I've been thinking about this lately.  Maybe Jaleel's purpose on Earth was to spread love and joy in our lives & to die from SIDS so his Mommy could let other mothers & people know how real SIDS is???

Allen asked me if I wanted to touch Jaleel one last time before we left.  I told him when everyone left I wanted some time alone with him.  I knelt down next to him in his coffin & just cried.  I touched his small little hand. I told that his mommy & daddy loved him so much.  I told him I'm sorry I couldn't save him, how I just wanted to take him home and have him be alright, I told him how much I miss him and I WILL NEVER forget him!!!  The hardest thing was to lose him but the second hardest thing was to leave him.  I just couldn't leave my baby boy!  Finally Allen came in so we could leave; I just couldn't leave him on my own.  I wish he could stay in that funeral forever so I could go see him whenever I wanted.  Tonight was the last time I'll ever see him again.  Allen told me it was going to be alright but I said it wasn't.  God I miss him so much.  I'm crying about it right now, it's just not fair!!!!  I would do anything to bring him back.  I use to love to feel the bottom of his feet & the palms of his hands they were so soft.  He had such big feet and such long fingers!  On his nose he still had a mark from where he scratched himself a few days ago!  He was such a beautiful little boy and I will love and cherish him forever.  If anyone asks me how many kids I have I will always say 3!!!  I just thought about this maybe Jaleel died so I could make as many people as possible aware of how real SIDS is and hopefully someday we can prevent such a horrible tragedy.

Ashley 4 & Tamara 8 just stayed next to Jaleel's coffin and they kept touching him, so I went over there I didn't want them disturbing my baby.  I told them they could look at him but please don't touch him.  I can't believe their parents didn't say anything to them.  So I said to Allen they are really making me nervous, so he said something to them.

Allen and I are pissed at his stupid stuck-up ass bitch of a sister Diane.  No one in the family cares for her, but her brother just lost his son, and she didn't come to his wake and she hasn't even called???? How fucking low is that?  For her sake I hope there isn't a god, I mean she should be there for her brother and mourn the loss of her nephew even if she doesn't agree with her brother having a relationship with a white woman and us having Jaleel!

I am going to ask to see him one more time tomorrow at the funeral.  So I finally ate a little something today to get my mom and Allen & his family off my damn back already!  I'm hoping I can fall asleep faster tonight, nights are the hardest, and I end up crying myself to sleep. Thank you all for your contribute of being with your kids tonight.  We all appreciate it so much.

To Nay: One Month After

Nay,

One month today. Half your life gone so quickly. How did this happen. I still wake up in such disbelief. I still don't know how to do this. I am not sure how to wake up everyday with a broken heart. How do we live like this?
You were supposed to grow old here. I was supposed to see you do a million things. I was not supposed to have a child die. I, I, I, I somehow have managed to make this all about me. But you are safe, you get Jesus I get a broken heart.
I love you so much. I know we only had a year all together but I have loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. I thought that our scary pregnancy was some kind of test. I thought I passed it because you came out perfect. Now I feel like I tricked Nature into giving you to me and when she realized it she took you  back.
Either way I ache for you. My arms truly feel empty, like something is lacking. I sleep with your blankets and smell them all the time. They still smell just like you. I love it. I close my eyes and breath you in. For a moment everytime I can almost pretend you're still with me. Almost.
I cannot imagine this emptiness forever. I hope I learn to do this better for your sisters sakes. I am afraid I am not Supermom right now or even acceptable Mom. The house is a wreck. I havent cooked a thing since you have been gone. I keep forgetting to check Kirsten's homework and actually sent her to school today without making her brush her hair because I can't find the hair brush.
Give me a little strength Nay. Ask God for a little hand up because I am struggling here. I love you so much that I am having trouble making room for anyone else, even other people I have always loved.
You were meant to be Naylen. You were supposed to grow old with me. I don't know why you didn't get to. I don't know what happened but I treasure the two months we had. I feel honored to be your Mother.
I am going to cemetary to set you up for Xmas. I love you! And I will meet you there.

Saying Good-Bye To Jaleel...

  Posted Date: : Jun 14, 2006 11:36 PM

I know I just blogged but want to let you know about his funeral...

I am going to re-type the obituary...  Allen's sister in law Joann wrote this and we thought it was very beautiful:

A celebration of life for Jaleel Keshaun Kitchings: May 18,2006- June 13,2006.  The funeral will be at 11am Friday June 16th,2006

                            

  OBITUARY:

On Tuesday morning, June 13,2006, God looked down on earth and chose another beautiful flower from his garden.  That beautiful flower was Jaleel Keshaun Kitchings, born May 18,2006 to Allen & Stacey.  He was with us for only a short while, but the love we shared with him was overwhelming. We thank God for giving Jaleel to us.  Chershing the beautiful memories of Jaleel are his parents, Allen & Stacey.  His brothers Allen Kitchings Jr. and Nicholas Shapiro.  Shemika Langford, Anitra Kitching, and Michaela Fulcher are his sisters.  Jaleel's grandparents Mr. & Mrs. Richard Fulcher and Pearlean Kitchings.  He has a host of aunts,uncles, neices, nephews, and cousins.

J is for the joy you gave us

A is for your astonishing smile

L is for the love you brought into our lives

E is for the everlasting love we will always have for you

E is for eternity that you will spend with God

L is for the laughter you brought us

I asked to have this poem read at the service thank you Ski for the poem.  I cry every time I read it so Allen's daughter Anitra will read it:

Just Those Few Weeks 
by Susan Erlin 
For those few weeks-
We had you to ourselves.
And that seems too short of time
To be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-
We came to know you...
And to love you.
You came to trust us with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When We lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique son has left us, oh so soon

 

You were just those few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To make my life so much richer-
And give me a small glimpse of eternity.

*We changed a few things in the poem to fit Jaleel.*

We will have a wake tomorrow night at 7PM and it will be an open casket for family & friends who want to say good-bye to our precious little boy Jaleel.  The funeral we will have at 11am Friday, that will be an open casket followed by the burial, (we ended up just having a graveside service) and Jaleel will be buried next to Allen's father who died of cancer many years ago.  I will put in Jaleel's casket his pacifier and the Mary J Blige C.D. he loved and would fall asleep to.

This is the program from his funeral:

Naylen

For the first couple weeks after Naylen died I was just on autopilot. I didn't really start to write until people stopped coming over. For us that took about three weeks give or take. I found myself alone with my grief. Trent was back at work on Second and Third shift part time. The kids were at Grandma's alot and when they were home I was pretty self involved. This bad attempt at poetry was one of my first written expressions during that time.

I woke up this morning without you again.
My eyes opened and the knowledge washed back over me,
Dreadfully real and knowing.
I got up anyway
Got the girls ready and started the day
All the while knowing
I came to work,
Pretending along,
Ate breakfast and lunch,
Even knowing you’re gone.
I picked up Big Sister
And gave Kinsley a nap.
I ran some errands,
And kept right on
All the while knowing you’re gone
I stopped several times to savor your face,
The picture on my desk,
I imagined you in my arms again
And smelled your baby smell
I yet I kept right on going
And knowing you’re gone
Once I pretended you were really still here,
Perhaps at the sitters
Or somewhere else near.
Reality came though
And stole you away
So I pictured you in your grave
Drowning in the rain,
Buried under flowers and mud and yuck
The day didn’t stop though
I went right back to work
And kept right on going.
Nothing stops
Nothings halts
Life just keeps right on going
Just a moment I want
Just a single moment
Of really not knowing
Or imagining
Or pretending
Or picturing
Just one moment where you are not gone.