Naylen

Okay one more thing and I am done for today. Daddy and I went to the cemetary after each of us had a very rough day. Your candle was flickering and we left the snowmen lighting up for you. While I was there we were talking about we would meet you in Heaven. Then it occured to me that time probably does not exist there so it might really be that when you blink we are there. The idea that you would never actually be without us is something to really think about. If time stands still then I can imagine what it will be. Tim said that you would grow up in Heaven but when we got there it would be like we had never missed a thing. Maybe that is what he meant. Also your Daddy is the wisest man I know. Incredible since he is also the youngest . I was telling him how I felt like me being so closeminded to God might be why you died. Like it was the only way he could get me. But he told me that you were just as important to God as I am. That you were not merely a means to an end (the end being me) or an extension of me. Just like I am not that to my Mother. In God's eyes you are uniquely you and He wouldn't take you to save me. I am not sure if I feel more relief at being let off the hook guiltwise or at knowing that God saw you for you and not merely just my child. Because I guess really you are His child too. So anyway a lot running around in my brain right now. I am trying to process it all. I had an awful day and missed you so much. But I find that spending time with just your Daddy helps me be peaceful. It makes me feel closer to you and in this moment right now I am okay. And right now that is enough. I love you Baby Girl. I will meet you there. Love, Mommy

Missing My Baby...

Okay I just took a sleeping pill, and it's starting to kick in so bare with me.  So Wendy came over today with her big pregnant belly, and I want to see her when her daughter is born. (Jaleel's cousin) She's being induced on July 17th, 2006 ( in about 2 weeks)   I wanna see her for a selfish reason.  I want to hold her baby because I don't have mine to hold anymore.  but on the other hand she did come see me when Jaleel was born.  I gave her Jaleel's playtex nurser bottles.  I had boiled his nipples so they are sterile. 

So I have read up on SIDS and they say breastfeeding, babies who use pacifers, and not smoking in the house all decrease and help a baby so they don't get SIDS and I did all of these things.  They even say co-sleeping helps and bonds a mother and baby.  Something to do with the breathing pattern of the mother and baby when they sleep together.  So why is it I did all these things to reduce his risks and he ended up dying anyway.  I try not to dwell and think about the day he died but it's so hard to think that Jaleel was lying their dead for like 7 hours next to me and I didn't wake up.  My poor baby.  I know I probably couldn't have saved him, but I feel jipped I didn't even get the chance to try. 

Right now all Jaleel has it a graver marker with his name and says 2006-2006 and I told allen I want to get him a stone I don't care how much it costs.

I still miss Jaleel so damn much but each day seems to get easier, and some days it gets harder, but I know although I will never forget him and he'll always be in my heart I have two other kids that need their Mommy, and I need to focus my energy and time on them.  I also need to get back to work, I know it's not healthy being here all day thinking about how Jaleel is no longer here.  I don't ever want to get rid of his crib I know sometime I will have too, but I don't want to because it's like once his crib is gone so is his memory of ever being in this house.  I go in his room and kiss my hand & place my hand where he use to sleep and say good night to him.  You know how sometimes when babies sleep they will shed hair, well I looked to see if I could find even one strand of Jaleel's hair and I did!  I kept it in his crib, that way a part of him is still here.

I want to thank everyone who has checked out Jaleel's memorial page and those who lit a candle in his memory it means so much to me!!!  I love you all.  I was thinking about all of you that prayed to give me strength in this time it must have worked because somehow each day I find strength to get through each day.  Once I thought about killing myself but I realize Michaela and Nicholas still need their Mommy, and you don't go to Heaven if you take your own life.  I wanna see Jaleel again someday, so until it is my time, I will try to live my life the best I can without Jaleel.  The past two nights I haven't cried when I went to bed so thats good.  I have been focusing on the happy times we had with Jaleel instead of him not being here anymore.  I still feel his presense though.  I do believe that Jaleel is with me while I sleep.  Well I'm off to bed.

Please Don't Tell Me How Strong I Am

Please don't tell me how well I am doing. Please don't tell how strong I am or how you would go crazy if you were me. I don't want to hear that I am functional or that you couldn't bear it.
Don't try to make me feel as though I am not grieving enough or the right way. I don't have a choice. I am not trying to be strong or be brave or functional. I am simply here. Don't try to comfort to me that way. It is not comforting, it is only frustrating. Do I have a choice in this? Could I act weaker, would that make more sense to you?
I get up, I go to work, I dress my kids, I pick them up. I eat, I drink, I smoke way to much. I do everything I am supposed to and lots of stuff I am not.
I function because I have to. I do not want to be complemented for that. Don't you understand I wish I could't function.

16 Days Without Jaleel...

So it has been 16 days since Jaleel passed away. Can't you believe it's been over two weeks because I can't. Yesterday was hard.  It seemed like a normal day, a normal day with him here. It just felt like he was here although I know he wasn't. As I was vaccuming yesterday I was thinking how I would always check on him when I finished to make sure the vaccum didn't wake him, which it never did.  My kids can sleep through a lot,lol.  And when I finished although I knew he wasn't there I still had to check. I must have checked to see if he was in his crib yesterday over a dozen times.  I knew he wouldn't be there but I still had to check.  I guess I'm hoping one day when I check he'll be there playing happily in his crib waiting for me to pick him up, although I knnow that will never happen. At least now I only check his room, I use to check the whole house for him, looking for him, but once again he was never there.  It stills eems so unreal even now him being gone, but at the same time I am starting to accept it, not like I have a choice in the matter. I still think about him all the time, and I still cry about him at night. I just wish I could look at him one more time and hold him one more time. I wish I could feel the palms of his hands and the bottom of his feet they were so soft. I think how I should be sitting at this computer holding him not mourning him.  I had a dream about him the other night I don't remember the dream just remembered he was in it, and for once I felt peace.  I miss nursing Jaleel and just watching him as he eats and just feeling close to him.  I miss everything about him, but I remembering more of the good memories than the ones of the last day I saw him so that's good.  Thinking of all the memories he gave us just makes me smile, and those are memories I will never forget.  So still not sleeping well but I guess that is to be expected.  I have been reading and posting on grief and loss on the babycenter boards, and reading all these women who lost their babies makes me so sad.  Some lost them before they were born, others only days after they were born.  When I read stories like these it makes me so thankful that at least I got almost a month with Jaleel, some don't even get that long.  I hope Jaleel is watching over a baby so that baby & that family don't have to deal with the heart break and sorrow of losing a child. If that is his purpose then it's worth it for a child's life to be saved. I don't want anyone to have to go through this.  I am thankful my firneds still let me talk about him if it's memories or me missing him that helps me and means a lot to me so thank you.
For those who read my last blog and wondered was I talking about you, did you totally disregard my feelings and only take about you.  It wasn't any of you.  The person who is was knew it was them it was Proud and she replied about how she is the center of her world and she hs every right to be,hahaha.  Well to people like that I hope if a tradegy ever hits them I hope they have beetr friends than people like that have been to me, not many but a few.  I also realized that we think life is over if we don't get that job or our marriage is crumbling and although I realize that these things are horrible I would give any one of those things plus more take place in my life if it meant i could have Jaleel back in my arms safe and happy.

Nay,

My baby girl. I miss you so much. You seem less real to me today. As though you were never really here at all. I look around and try to see you in everything that I do. I am consumed by this and yet it all seems to far away.
The days keep rolling by. I accept that you are gone but I have no peace about it. Does that peace ever come? I cannot change it, I cannot undo it. I just don't know how to live with it.
Christmas is coming, our first with you and our first without you. I don't know how to celebrate although I plan on celebrating it as Jesus'  birthday. I plan on using it to honor where you are. I sponsored a baby on the angel tree at Walmart. A little girl. I bought her things I can't buy you. I gave her a toy you would have loved.
Kirsten's puppy died last night at her Dad's. He called me and asked me to help him find a new one. How simple that must be, to just go buy a new puppy. I will pick her up from school today and have to help her grieve that dog as though it even matters. How am I supposed to pretend I care about a puppy dying. I know that for her it must be so much more than that. It must be another death so quickly on the heels of yours. But I am resentful that I even have to pretend it matters.
Nothing seems to matter but the fact that you are gone. It even seems to outweight the fact that you were here. How unfair that your death should seem more important than your life. That the pain seems stronger than the joy.
When will that change. When can I honor your memory by remembering the pure joy you brought to me? I love you baby Nay. I lost a piece of me. The part that matters I think. The one that loves and cares. Now I just walk around going through the motions.
You are my baby girl, now and always.
Love, Mommy

Naylen,

Hey Good Lookin,
It has been a long day. I have had a really rough time. Cried most of the day off an on. Daddy and I went to Wiseman's Peak. He thought if we went there he would see God and then he would see you too. He did. He knew that you were all around us. It really helped him so thank you baby girl.
I stood on the mountain top and felt a warm breeze in the middle of December. I stood there and knew you were there too.  I stood on the edge of gorge and imagined myself jumping, knowing that it would bring me to you. Then I came back and we walked down to the Falls. I listened to them roar and just cried and cried. We went there this past July. Two months before you were born. It was hot and we walked forever. I felt so connected to you then. When we went today I felt so far away. I knew that you were with me last time I was there and this time I was going to remember you in a place you had never seen.  My memory of you there was me practically crawling back up the mountain trail with my huge stomach in the way. It was a good memory though. Then everything was still ahead of us. You didn't even have a name yet. We called you Bob, short for Baby on Board. I was still nervous that something might be wrong with you. But I knew even then that you would live. It never occured to me that you would die. I thought you might have special needs but I never thought I would be without you. Now five months later, you are gone. I had you and  I lost you.
That was so real to me today. All the tears I have been unable to cry came today. But I don't feel soothed by it, I just feel drained and empty. I feel so broken.
Last night I went to the cemetery and I didn't cry. I was solid as a rock. Kinsley cried that she missed you. Two years old and she cried for you, spontaneously. Everybody said she wouldn't remember you. But I know she does and she will. She tells me everyday that you are in Heaven with Jesus. She also knew today on the mountain that we were there for you. She said that you were there. Maybe she just picks up on us but I believe that she really does know what has happened and is mourning it.
I miss you baby girl. I heard the song, All I Want For Christmas Is You. We all cried when we heard it. I don't know to celebrate this year. You never even had a Christmas. You will never sit in Santa's lap. You will not have that early morning joy and excitement. We will never sit out cookies with you or attend church. I never even took you in a church. That day I picked up your sisters from the Halloween carnival I just ran in and left you in the car for a minute.
I feel like I made so many mistakes with you. Like I didn't do what I should have. I lost you. I wish I could at least say to myself that I was a great Mom but instead I feel like I failed you. In every way. I couldn't even protect you.
I just miss you so much. I love you and...........well I guess there is nothing more to say than that. Please know baby what you mean to me. Please know how sorry I am. Please baby know how loved you are and very much we miss you.
I will meet you there Naylen. I will hold you in my arms again.

First day all alone...

Posted Date:  Jun 21, 2006 2:57 AM

*IF YOU GET OFFENDED EASILY YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS BLOG*

Since this happened me losing Jaleel, I have tried not to talk all about losing him, or about him becasue I didn't want to upset people, and have them be like oh great Stacey's on & talking about Jaleel & his death again, but today I realized I am in mourning and I'm allowed to talk about him & his death, and if people have a problem with that too bad.  I'm allowed to be selfish and to play the what if game, and to cry about him, & to miss him. I am entitled to that.  If people are sick of reading my blogs only talking about Jaleel too bad, but I doubt any of you are thinking this, but if you are I am sorry you can't understand how my life as I knew it is no longer mine.  It has been filled with emptiness, sorrow, despair, and so many unanswered questions. But if you think about it if he was still alive I would still be blogging about him.  I understand these blogs in the last week are hard to read because you care about me & can understand and feel my pain on some level.

I have to be honest here.  It has been a week today since Jaleel left us and I am still very much in mourning which is expected I was his Mommy.  But it seems as though everyone has moved on.  Yes you still ask me how I am, because you are worried about me, but for the most part it seems as though what happpened to Jaleel has been forgotten.  I know you haven't forgotten, but it seems as a week has passed and most people have stopped talking about him, and expect me to be all better, maybe I am wrong but I am emotional right now & not myself.  I don't know how and if I will ever be the same.  That's why I was so glad that Blair blogged about Jaleel, it made me feel like I'm not the only one missing and thinking about him.  I'm not the only one who remembers too well that fateful day.  Thank you Blair.  I love you!!!  If you have a chance read her blog about Jaleel.

Today has been a very weird day.  Allen went back to work today and as most of you know he does long distance driving.  So he will not be back home until Friday sometime.  It's so hard without Allen here. I miss him so much!!!  I was getting use to and enjoying him being here when I woke up and holding me when I go to bed, and we have gotten closer.  He has been great through this whole thing.  It's so weird all day it felt like Jaleel was here, just in the other room sleeping.  Even though every time I went into his bedroom his crib was empty.  Maybe it felt that way because I was use to Jaleel and I being here while Allen was on the road.  So now that it's night time it's eerie and weird being all alone without Allen or Jaleel.  I don't want to sleep in the bed w/o either of them, so I am sure will just sleep on the couch.  I hate being alone which is ironic because loved being alone when I was pregnant.  I was like see ya bye Allen,lol!

So I took a walk today and had a little talk with god.  I realized there was a reason I believed in him in the first place.  But God has tested me, but I guess he does test us to make sure we believe and still believe in him.  I told him if Jaleel was taken to serve a higher purpose to please send me a sign.  Like having his "ghost" or "spirit"(if there is such a thing) visit me or have me dream about him, or whatever sign he feels fit to give me.  I told him if there is a heaven he better be taking very good care of my little boy, but I can't believe that he loves Jaleel more than me, because who loved him more than his Mommy no one besides his Daddy!!!  I also told him to tell Jaleel to take good care of his friend Londyn because I don't want anyone to go through what I am, especially my friends.  As I am writing this blog I got up to get a drink and although I know Jaleel isn't here I can't but help to look back, hoping I'll see him there, but he never is there.   Even though it's been a week it still seems so unreal.  I'm waiting to wake up from this horrific nightmare, but I never do.

All day I have had his last outfit he wore the one my mom got him and his hat with me the whole time.  I am kind of upset Allen hasn't called to check up on me.  Allen and I had a good talk yesterday. We were talking about Jaleel. Ok I take that back Allen just called me. So Allen & I were talking about did we do something in our own lives and he(God) punished us by taking Jaleel away, I know that's silly, but makes you wonder why this happens, and why it has happened to us. I could write more but I am tired and am sick of thinking about today. Now it's time to go and think and cry about Jaleel until I fall asleep.  I love you all!!!!

P.S. Thank You all for the comments of memories you have had of Jaleel.