Nay

I am going to make this quick. I love you. I am working on a  special project for Xmas all about you. When I am done I will post pictures of it on this site. I miss you so much. Things are sort of piling up. I am eager to have the Holidays over and get back to this new everday depressing normalcy. The Holidays sort of push it over the edge more. I am worried about Christmas. But we will get through it. Jennifer and Jamie helped me this evening with the project. It was really nice. I appreciate them so much. I know they loved you too. Love you too.
Past tense or present Nay? Are you or were you? I miss you so much. Daddy is struggling and so am I. Kinsley cried for you again.  Kirsten cried last night. I just got through crying. I close my eyes and picture you in my arms. I wish when I opened them you were still there. 
I have nothing new to share with you tonight. Sorrow. Hurt. Same old. Just know baby Nay that I love you with all that I am and all that I should be. Know how changed I am from knowing you and how much I need you still.
I will meet you there.
Love, 
Mommy 

Closer To Christmas

Well another day, closer to Christmas. Finding it hard to get the Christmas spirit. Bogged down by all the things I have'nt done that I need to. I realized that the year is almost over. I will be bringing in 2007 in a little over a week. Then I realized that this year was all about you. I found out you were coming at the first of the year and then spent the rest of year preparing and waiting on you. Then you came in September and we lost you in November. 2006 The Year of Nay. One short year I gave you. One year you got.

In ten years or twenty years will this still be for me what it is today? I feel like by ending this year I am putting you away somehow. Like you will be less real. Like the chapter of the book is closed. I know that logically it makes no sense but by ending 2006 it is like I am ending you. I only had one year for you. Kinsley has had three years for her, and Kirsten ten. You  got one. You came and left in the same year. I guess that is it. It fell just so perfectly that you never overlapped. We got pregnant at the first of the year. We lost you by the end. Makes it seem very small.

And what should my resolutions be? Not to have another baby die in 2007? Lose weight? Stop smoking? Kind of pointless right? I suppose I will resolve to savor those moments that are okay and savor those that aren't either. I guess I will resolve to stay connected to you  throughout the year. To not get back on that busy track that my life was. I will resolve to not let your name die with you. To make sure that your sisters know you were real and perfect and a part of our family. To survive this with your Daddy. To be a better person for having known you.

I love you Naylen. I ache for you. The moments of peace seem few and far between. I don't know how move forward and I am reasonably sure that I don't want to. I don't know where to put this in my life or where to put you. All I know is that I feel so broken and hurt. What I wouldn't give....Pointless though. The what if's.
You are my baby girl, always. The child I didn't love enough, the child I lost, the child I struggled to have. The child I wish I had saved. I want you back. I want to smell you. I want to watch you giggle. I want to give you a bath and rub lavendar lotion all over.
I want things I can never have. At least not here. Please help me to remember who I am supposed to be and what my purpose here is so that we will meet again.
I love you Baby Nay. I miss you. I hurt and I am still surviving. I will meet you there.

Love,
Mommy

So Angry :(

Subject : I am so angry.......

Posted Date: : Jul 11, 2006 5:05 AM

I am so pissed!!!!  Last night when I was talking to Allen he told me that he was taking Jaleel's crib down Saturday to give it to his niece Wendy because she's having her baby July 19th.  The day Jaleel died when Allen got home he said to Wendy "Do you want a crib?"  I told him later that hurt me when said that.  He told me he wasn't thinking he was upset.  I can understand that, but a few days after that I talked to Allen and told him I wasn't ready to give his crib up.  That I felt if his crib was gone it would be like saying he was never here, never in this house.  So we agreed, or so I thought.  I thought he realized how important having his crib up was to me.  How I need it for my grieving process.  I said Allen I thought we already talked about not getting rid of the crib right now, he's like we don't need it.  Maybe Jaleel is no longer here, and yes he doesn't need the crib anymore,but I DO!!! He doesn't know I go in his room several times a day, and everynight before I go to bed I kiss my hand and place it on his mattress where he use to sleep, that is how I give him kisses goodnight, every single night.  How can I do that now if his crib is gone.  His sheets and comforter still smells like him, and once the crib is gone so will his smell.  It's all I have left of him, why can't Allen understand that.  I go and post on the grief and loss boards on babycenter and they all have there babies cribs or kids beds up even after years.  One girl lost her baby two days after birth, her daughter didn't even get to sleep in the crib, but here crib is still up. I will talk to Allen again but if he takes it down, and I know he will, it will only make me resent him!!!  One friend said maybe Allen's trying to help me move on, but taking his crib away wouldn't do that, and I can't move on as easily as he can.  I am the one who carried Jaleel and waiting in anticipation for the day we would finally meet him, I was one one who endured all the pregnancy symptoms and labor pains and cutting me open just so I could meet and have my little baby boy, and it all was worth it.  I was the one who was with him all the time and the one who took care of him, and I loved every moment I had with Jaleel.  I had the most love and the strongest bond with him, so it's a lot harder for me to just move on.  To act like he didn't touch my life and heart forever.  To say oh he was just a baby, life goes on.  Yes he was a baby a happy loving precious baby who didn't even get a chance to experience how great life can be, and yes life does go on, but my life is forever changed .  I can't just forget all the memories he gave me, I can't just get over him like he didn't mean anything.  He meant everything to me just as Michaela and Nicholas do.Why doesn't Allen understan this.  Maybe it's my fault trying to hide when I cry about Jaleel, because Allen makes me feel like I shouldn't be grieving him still. He never talks about him, and when I talk about him a lot of the time Allen gets silent.  Why isn't he keeping his memory alive?  Losing  Jaleel is the hardest thing in the world and I don't even know how I get through everyday without him, but asking to give up his memory, to give up his crib, that I can't do.  I mean he hasn't even be gone for a month, and already Allen wants to act like he never existed. I am sorry Wendy doesn't have a crib but that's not my fault.  Why didn't she buy one yet, if Jaleel were still here, she would have to buy one.  Sorry but I love Wendy but she makes good money and has had at least one baby shower, it's not my fault she and her boyfriend haven't bought her daughter a crib, and how can she not even ask me if it's okay.  How can Allen give the crib away without even discussing it will me.  I understand he bought it but I am the one who spent frustrating hours putting that crib together for Jaleel, not Allen. It's hard enough that this Thursday July 13th will be one month since Jaleel died and also my birthday, that's hard enough but now I have to deal with the stress of trying to keep his crib up, but I know Allen and I will get into a fight about it. Mostly all of the time I shut-up and don't piss Allen off but I can't just let this go, and I won't at least not without a fight.  This is depressing me.

I went to go visit Jaleel last night.  I talked to him and I remembered holding his little hand when he was still alive, and touching his hand at his wake.  It was the first time I realized he was really there, he was in the ground.  How can he be so close to me and yet so far away?  I miss him so much. I am going back to visit him Thursday.  I can't believe he's been gone almost a month!!! How is that possible?  It seems like he was just here!  I just want to crawl into bed with him and just hold him forever.  I am in still so much shock and denial.  Thursday he will be gone longer than he lived, that's not fair.  He would be doing so much, he would be making noises and smiling, I miss never seing those things. I miss him sooooo much, I don't just want him, I need my precious sweet happy little Jaleel!!!!!!!!!!!

Kailer's Song

Subject : Kailer's Song....

Posted Date: : Jul 8, 2006 7:27 PM

One of the girls form Grief & Loss board lost her precious son Kailer at 37 weeks.  Her brother wrote and sings this song in Memory of Kailer.  It makes me think of her beautiful son and my Jaleel, and wanted to share it with yall.

Kailer's Song
By: Adam Wesley (copyright 2006)

Make sense of the life we live in
Do best with the time we're given
Trying to make some sense of
Senseless things while I'm at peace

Fingers just simply play at
Borders that we dismay of
No miles for the seeming distance
But you bridge it with your love

And if you ever need to see me
I'll be dancing on the stars
And if you ever need to hold me
You know I'm living in your heart
If you need to see my features
Well, my face it is your own
Just happens I'm a long, long way from home

And if your tongue gets tired
I'll sing to you
If your words won't come
I'll still shine through

Memories are all comprised of
Tears shed and the good surprises
All that I knew was your love
And that's enough to be worth while

And if you ever need to see me
I'll be dancing on the stars
And if you ever want to hold me
I'll be living in your heart
If you need to see my features
Well, my face it is your own
Just happens I'm a long, long way from home

And if you wonder how I'm doing
Now I'm just playing in the clouds
And I'll see you on the next good go around

~In Memory of Kailer Thomas McKeag 12/7/06~

If you want to here this song he has a myspace page and click the original Kailer song....

http://www.myspace.com/rubb3rchrist

Thank You,

I think I have listening to song like 30 times already,lol!

Babies and Heaven: Part 2

ubject : Babies and Heaven: Part 2

Posted Date: : Jul 7, 2006 2:51 AM

As most of you know I regularly go on the grief and loss boards on babycenter now, which has become a godd support system for me.  I found this post one of the mother's posted I thought it was intresting and wanted to share it.  Call it part two to my heaven and babies blog.

_{^{The material is from the book, Messages From Your Angels by Doreen Virtue.}}

_{^{If you're not familiar with the text it is angel therapy, apparently this woman communicates with angels and she specializes in angel readings from those who have passed on. Here is what she says about deceased children, ages 5 and under.}}

_{^{Young children have a different perspective on death.  Children who are five years old and younger don't have a concept of death the same way we do.  When infants and young children pass over they don't realize that they're dead. They feel happy and alive and wonder why everyone is crying. Since they don't know that they're dead these children rush to the aid of their bereaved family members, offering etheric gifts to cheer them up.}} 

_{^{The souls of children who don't grow to full term births due to abortion, miscarriage or stillbirth stay by their mother's side. Those souls then have first dibs on the next body that will enter their mother. If you've lost an infant or fetus and have since had another child, chances are very good that this is the same soul. If the mother doesn't conceive additional children, that soul then grows up next to the mother and acts as a spirit guide. Sometimes the child's soul will enter the physical world and come into its mother's family in another way such as adoption, or by becoming the woman's neice or nephew.}}

_{^{Even though children's bodies are small it doesn't mean their souls are young, hapless or naive. We need to consider that the child's soul may have had some meaning and some responsibility with the timing of death.  No one dies without his own consent and I have found that to be true.  As difficult as it may be to accept, your child may have made the decision to go home to Heaven before you were ready to release him or her. Angels tell me they don't understand how we ever got the idea that everyone is supposed to live to be 90. Before our conception we decide along with our angels and guides what ages we will be when we pass from our physical bodies.}}

_{^{Many parents drive themselves crazy imagining that their child suffered terribly prior to their death. Fortunately God's mercy has created some safeguards that help us shut down the awareness of overwhelming pain. The human body will faint, the person will disassociate (go somewhere else in conciousness) or the spirit will be removed from the body before the pain gets too unbearable.}}

_{^{Children are never alone in Heaven. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, beloved pets and other children surround any child who has passed on. Usually children live in Heaven with relatives whom they knew upon Earth or those who were the child's spirit guides. In Heaven you can manifest any type of home that you like so the children in Heaven have relatively normal lives, live in comfortable homes and are surrounded by loving family members or friends. The angels tell me they have never met a child in Heaven who was alone.}}

_{^{Parental guilt seems to go hand in hand with rearing children and this guilt is compounded when our children become ill or pass away. However guilt isn't a form of love; it is actually an attack in disguise. When we feel guilt we are attacking ourselves and debasing the other person's free will. What good does it serve to second-guess it after the fact? Our children want us to be happy and the best route to happiness is through giving service using our natural talents, passions or interests. Service work can be a living tribute to a deceased child, something you can use to make meaning out of a seemingly senseless death...}}