So Angry :(

Subject : I am so angry.......

Posted Date: : Jul 11, 2006 5:05 AM

I am so pissed!!!!  Last night when I was talking to Allen he told me that he was taking Jaleel's crib down Saturday to give it to his niece Wendy because she's having her baby July 19th.  The day Jaleel died when Allen got home he said to Wendy "Do you want a crib?"  I told him later that hurt me when said that.  He told me he wasn't thinking he was upset.  I can understand that, but a few days after that I talked to Allen and told him I wasn't ready to give his crib up.  That I felt if his crib was gone it would be like saying he was never here, never in this house.  So we agreed, or so I thought.  I thought he realized how important having his crib up was to me.  How I need it for my grieving process.  I said Allen I thought we already talked about not getting rid of the crib right now, he's like we don't need it.  Maybe Jaleel is no longer here, and yes he doesn't need the crib anymore,but I DO!!! He doesn't know I go in his room several times a day, and everynight before I go to bed I kiss my hand and place it on his mattress where he use to sleep, that is how I give him kisses goodnight, every single night.  How can I do that now if his crib is gone.  His sheets and comforter still smells like him, and once the crib is gone so will his smell.  It's all I have left of him, why can't Allen understand that.  I go and post on the grief and loss boards on babycenter and they all have there babies cribs or kids beds up even after years.  One girl lost her baby two days after birth, her daughter didn't even get to sleep in the crib, but here crib is still up. I will talk to Allen again but if he takes it down, and I know he will, it will only make me resent him!!!  One friend said maybe Allen's trying to help me move on, but taking his crib away wouldn't do that, and I can't move on as easily as he can.  I am the one who carried Jaleel and waiting in anticipation for the day we would finally meet him, I was one one who endured all the pregnancy symptoms and labor pains and cutting me open just so I could meet and have my little baby boy, and it all was worth it.  I was the one who was with him all the time and the one who took care of him, and I loved every moment I had with Jaleel.  I had the most love and the strongest bond with him, so it's a lot harder for me to just move on.  To act like he didn't touch my life and heart forever.  To say oh he was just a baby, life goes on.  Yes he was a baby a happy loving precious baby who didn't even get a chance to experience how great life can be, and yes life does go on, but my life is forever changed .  I can't just forget all the memories he gave me, I can't just get over him like he didn't mean anything.  He meant everything to me just as Michaela and Nicholas do.Why doesn't Allen understan this.  Maybe it's my fault trying to hide when I cry about Jaleel, because Allen makes me feel like I shouldn't be grieving him still. He never talks about him, and when I talk about him a lot of the time Allen gets silent.  Why isn't he keeping his memory alive?  Losing  Jaleel is the hardest thing in the world and I don't even know how I get through everyday without him, but asking to give up his memory, to give up his crib, that I can't do.  I mean he hasn't even be gone for a month, and already Allen wants to act like he never existed. I am sorry Wendy doesn't have a crib but that's not my fault.  Why didn't she buy one yet, if Jaleel were still here, she would have to buy one.  Sorry but I love Wendy but she makes good money and has had at least one baby shower, it's not my fault she and her boyfriend haven't bought her daughter a crib, and how can she not even ask me if it's okay.  How can Allen give the crib away without even discussing it will me.  I understand he bought it but I am the one who spent frustrating hours putting that crib together for Jaleel, not Allen. It's hard enough that this Thursday July 13th will be one month since Jaleel died and also my birthday, that's hard enough but now I have to deal with the stress of trying to keep his crib up, but I know Allen and I will get into a fight about it. Mostly all of the time I shut-up and don't piss Allen off but I can't just let this go, and I won't at least not without a fight.  This is depressing me.

I went to go visit Jaleel last night.  I talked to him and I remembered holding his little hand when he was still alive, and touching his hand at his wake.  It was the first time I realized he was really there, he was in the ground.  How can he be so close to me and yet so far away?  I miss him so much. I am going back to visit him Thursday.  I can't believe he's been gone almost a month!!! How is that possible?  It seems like he was just here!  I just want to crawl into bed with him and just hold him forever.  I am in still so much shock and denial.  Thursday he will be gone longer than he lived, that's not fair.  He would be doing so much, he would be making noises and smiling, I miss never seing those things. I miss him sooooo much, I don't just want him, I need my precious sweet happy little Jaleel!!!!!!!!!!!