Nay

I am going to make this quick. I love you. I am working on a  special project for Xmas all about you. When I am done I will post pictures of it on this site. I miss you so much. Things are sort of piling up. I am eager to have the Holidays over and get back to this new everday depressing normalcy. The Holidays sort of push it over the edge more. I am worried about Christmas. But we will get through it. Jennifer and Jamie helped me this evening with the project. It was really nice. I appreciate them so much. I know they loved you too. Love you too.
Past tense or present Nay? Are you or were you? I miss you so much. Daddy is struggling and so am I. Kinsley cried for you again.  Kirsten cried last night. I just got through crying. I close my eyes and picture you in my arms. I wish when I opened them you were still there. 
I have nothing new to share with you tonight. Sorrow. Hurt. Same old. Just know baby Nay that I love you with all that I am and all that I should be. Know how changed I am from knowing you and how much I need you still.
I will meet you there.
Love, 
Mommy 

Closer To Christmas

Well another day, closer to Christmas. Finding it hard to get the Christmas spirit. Bogged down by all the things I have'nt done that I need to. I realized that the year is almost over. I will be bringing in 2007 in a little over a week. Then I realized that this year was all about you. I found out you were coming at the first of the year and then spent the rest of year preparing and waiting on you. Then you came in September and we lost you in November. 2006 The Year of Nay. One short year I gave you. One year you got.

In ten years or twenty years will this still be for me what it is today? I feel like by ending this year I am putting you away somehow. Like you will be less real. Like the chapter of the book is closed. I know that logically it makes no sense but by ending 2006 it is like I am ending you. I only had one year for you. Kinsley has had three years for her, and Kirsten ten. You  got one. You came and left in the same year. I guess that is it. It fell just so perfectly that you never overlapped. We got pregnant at the first of the year. We lost you by the end. Makes it seem very small.

And what should my resolutions be? Not to have another baby die in 2007? Lose weight? Stop smoking? Kind of pointless right? I suppose I will resolve to savor those moments that are okay and savor those that aren't either. I guess I will resolve to stay connected to you  throughout the year. To not get back on that busy track that my life was. I will resolve to not let your name die with you. To make sure that your sisters know you were real and perfect and a part of our family. To survive this with your Daddy. To be a better person for having known you.

I love you Naylen. I ache for you. The moments of peace seem few and far between. I don't know how move forward and I am reasonably sure that I don't want to. I don't know where to put this in my life or where to put you. All I know is that I feel so broken and hurt. What I wouldn't give....Pointless though. The what if's.
You are my baby girl, always. The child I didn't love enough, the child I lost, the child I struggled to have. The child I wish I had saved. I want you back. I want to smell you. I want to watch you giggle. I want to give you a bath and rub lavendar lotion all over.
I want things I can never have. At least not here. Please help me to remember who I am supposed to be and what my purpose here is so that we will meet again.
I love you Baby Nay. I miss you. I hurt and I am still surviving. I will meet you there.

Love,
Mommy

So Angry :(

Subject : I am so angry.......

Posted Date: : Jul 11, 2006 5:05 AM

I am so pissed!!!!  Last night when I was talking to Allen he told me that he was taking Jaleel's crib down Saturday to give it to his niece Wendy because she's having her baby July 19th.  The day Jaleel died when Allen got home he said to Wendy "Do you want a crib?"  I told him later that hurt me when said that.  He told me he wasn't thinking he was upset.  I can understand that, but a few days after that I talked to Allen and told him I wasn't ready to give his crib up.  That I felt if his crib was gone it would be like saying he was never here, never in this house.  So we agreed, or so I thought.  I thought he realized how important having his crib up was to me.  How I need it for my grieving process.  I said Allen I thought we already talked about not getting rid of the crib right now, he's like we don't need it.  Maybe Jaleel is no longer here, and yes he doesn't need the crib anymore,but I DO!!! He doesn't know I go in his room several times a day, and everynight before I go to bed I kiss my hand and place it on his mattress where he use to sleep, that is how I give him kisses goodnight, every single night.  How can I do that now if his crib is gone.  His sheets and comforter still smells like him, and once the crib is gone so will his smell.  It's all I have left of him, why can't Allen understand that.  I go and post on the grief and loss boards on babycenter and they all have there babies cribs or kids beds up even after years.  One girl lost her baby two days after birth, her daughter didn't even get to sleep in the crib, but here crib is still up. I will talk to Allen again but if he takes it down, and I know he will, it will only make me resent him!!!  One friend said maybe Allen's trying to help me move on, but taking his crib away wouldn't do that, and I can't move on as easily as he can.  I am the one who carried Jaleel and waiting in anticipation for the day we would finally meet him, I was one one who endured all the pregnancy symptoms and labor pains and cutting me open just so I could meet and have my little baby boy, and it all was worth it.  I was the one who was with him all the time and the one who took care of him, and I loved every moment I had with Jaleel.  I had the most love and the strongest bond with him, so it's a lot harder for me to just move on.  To act like he didn't touch my life and heart forever.  To say oh he was just a baby, life goes on.  Yes he was a baby a happy loving precious baby who didn't even get a chance to experience how great life can be, and yes life does go on, but my life is forever changed .  I can't just forget all the memories he gave me, I can't just get over him like he didn't mean anything.  He meant everything to me just as Michaela and Nicholas do.Why doesn't Allen understan this.  Maybe it's my fault trying to hide when I cry about Jaleel, because Allen makes me feel like I shouldn't be grieving him still. He never talks about him, and when I talk about him a lot of the time Allen gets silent.  Why isn't he keeping his memory alive?  Losing  Jaleel is the hardest thing in the world and I don't even know how I get through everyday without him, but asking to give up his memory, to give up his crib, that I can't do.  I mean he hasn't even be gone for a month, and already Allen wants to act like he never existed. I am sorry Wendy doesn't have a crib but that's not my fault.  Why didn't she buy one yet, if Jaleel were still here, she would have to buy one.  Sorry but I love Wendy but she makes good money and has had at least one baby shower, it's not my fault she and her boyfriend haven't bought her daughter a crib, and how can she not even ask me if it's okay.  How can Allen give the crib away without even discussing it will me.  I understand he bought it but I am the one who spent frustrating hours putting that crib together for Jaleel, not Allen. It's hard enough that this Thursday July 13th will be one month since Jaleel died and also my birthday, that's hard enough but now I have to deal with the stress of trying to keep his crib up, but I know Allen and I will get into a fight about it. Mostly all of the time I shut-up and don't piss Allen off but I can't just let this go, and I won't at least not without a fight.  This is depressing me.

I went to go visit Jaleel last night.  I talked to him and I remembered holding his little hand when he was still alive, and touching his hand at his wake.  It was the first time I realized he was really there, he was in the ground.  How can he be so close to me and yet so far away?  I miss him so much. I am going back to visit him Thursday.  I can't believe he's been gone almost a month!!! How is that possible?  It seems like he was just here!  I just want to crawl into bed with him and just hold him forever.  I am in still so much shock and denial.  Thursday he will be gone longer than he lived, that's not fair.  He would be doing so much, he would be making noises and smiling, I miss never seing those things. I miss him sooooo much, I don't just want him, I need my precious sweet happy little Jaleel!!!!!!!!!!!

Kailer's Song

Subject : Kailer's Song....

Posted Date: : Jul 8, 2006 7:27 PM

One of the girls form Grief & Loss board lost her precious son Kailer at 37 weeks.  Her brother wrote and sings this song in Memory of Kailer.  It makes me think of her beautiful son and my Jaleel, and wanted to share it with yall.

Kailer's Song
By: Adam Wesley (copyright 2006)

Make sense of the life we live in
Do best with the time we're given
Trying to make some sense of
Senseless things while I'm at peace

Fingers just simply play at
Borders that we dismay of
No miles for the seeming distance
But you bridge it with your love

And if you ever need to see me
I'll be dancing on the stars
And if you ever need to hold me
You know I'm living in your heart
If you need to see my features
Well, my face it is your own
Just happens I'm a long, long way from home

And if your tongue gets tired
I'll sing to you
If your words won't come
I'll still shine through

Memories are all comprised of
Tears shed and the good surprises
All that I knew was your love
And that's enough to be worth while

And if you ever need to see me
I'll be dancing on the stars
And if you ever want to hold me
I'll be living in your heart
If you need to see my features
Well, my face it is your own
Just happens I'm a long, long way from home

And if you wonder how I'm doing
Now I'm just playing in the clouds
And I'll see you on the next good go around

~In Memory of Kailer Thomas McKeag 12/7/06~

If you want to here this song he has a myspace page and click the original Kailer song....

http://www.myspace.com/rubb3rchrist

Thank You,

I think I have listening to song like 30 times already,lol!

Babies and Heaven: Part 2

ubject : Babies and Heaven: Part 2

Posted Date: : Jul 7, 2006 2:51 AM

As most of you know I regularly go on the grief and loss boards on babycenter now, which has become a godd support system for me.  I found this post one of the mother's posted I thought it was intresting and wanted to share it.  Call it part two to my heaven and babies blog.

_{^{The material is from the book, Messages From Your Angels by Doreen Virtue.}}

_{^{If you're not familiar with the text it is angel therapy, apparently this woman communicates with angels and she specializes in angel readings from those who have passed on. Here is what she says about deceased children, ages 5 and under.}}

_{^{Young children have a different perspective on death.  Children who are five years old and younger don't have a concept of death the same way we do.  When infants and young children pass over they don't realize that they're dead. They feel happy and alive and wonder why everyone is crying. Since they don't know that they're dead these children rush to the aid of their bereaved family members, offering etheric gifts to cheer them up.}} 

_{^{The souls of children who don't grow to full term births due to abortion, miscarriage or stillbirth stay by their mother's side. Those souls then have first dibs on the next body that will enter their mother. If you've lost an infant or fetus and have since had another child, chances are very good that this is the same soul. If the mother doesn't conceive additional children, that soul then grows up next to the mother and acts as a spirit guide. Sometimes the child's soul will enter the physical world and come into its mother's family in another way such as adoption, or by becoming the woman's neice or nephew.}}

_{^{Even though children's bodies are small it doesn't mean their souls are young, hapless or naive. We need to consider that the child's soul may have had some meaning and some responsibility with the timing of death.  No one dies without his own consent and I have found that to be true.  As difficult as it may be to accept, your child may have made the decision to go home to Heaven before you were ready to release him or her. Angels tell me they don't understand how we ever got the idea that everyone is supposed to live to be 90. Before our conception we decide along with our angels and guides what ages we will be when we pass from our physical bodies.}}

_{^{Many parents drive themselves crazy imagining that their child suffered terribly prior to their death. Fortunately God's mercy has created some safeguards that help us shut down the awareness of overwhelming pain. The human body will faint, the person will disassociate (go somewhere else in conciousness) or the spirit will be removed from the body before the pain gets too unbearable.}}

_{^{Children are never alone in Heaven. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, beloved pets and other children surround any child who has passed on. Usually children live in Heaven with relatives whom they knew upon Earth or those who were the child's spirit guides. In Heaven you can manifest any type of home that you like so the children in Heaven have relatively normal lives, live in comfortable homes and are surrounded by loving family members or friends. The angels tell me they have never met a child in Heaven who was alone.}}

_{^{Parental guilt seems to go hand in hand with rearing children and this guilt is compounded when our children become ill or pass away. However guilt isn't a form of love; it is actually an attack in disguise. When we feel guilt we are attacking ourselves and debasing the other person's free will. What good does it serve to second-guess it after the fact? Our children want us to be happy and the best route to happiness is through giving service using our natural talents, passions or interests. Service work can be a living tribute to a deceased child, something you can use to make meaning out of a seemingly senseless death...}}

Thinking about the day Jaleel Passed Away......

Subject : Thinking about the day Jaleel Passed Away

Posted Date: : Jul 6, 2006 8:10 AM

Today has been another rough day. I miss my baby so much.  I am still so angry that he is gone and left me to mourn him.  I don't want to mourn him, I don't want to be a survivor of my son's death.  I want to hold and love him.  I want him to be okay and smiling at me. I want him to be growing and learning all these new things that all my BC girls babies are learning and doing. Our children are not suppose to die before us, ecspecially not a baby.  Usually every Tuesday I am haunted with remembering the day Jaleel died.  In my mind I can see so clearly the way he looked when I found him.  He was on his stomach.  Why did I find him on his stomach when I placed him on his back to sleep?  His body was cool but not cold, like they say it should be.  His fists were clenched.  I remember trying to unclench his tiny little hand, but I really couldn't.  Were his fists clenched because he suffered?  His mouth was open a little bit.  He had two marks on his face.  One above his top lip and the other was below his bottom lip on his chin. They were light I think maybe like a light purple.  Why did he have these marks? His color was still good.  His lips weren't purple but discolored a little. I noticed a very light pink bodily fluid left on the sheet. So I did some research on google I wanted to know if these symptoms were common in SIDS babies.  I still don't have the autopsy back so am doing my own research until I find out what the toxicoligists findings were.  I found an article describing the typical death scene findings with a baby that died of SIDS.  It says their is often a frothy white or blood tinged  discharge around the baby's mouth and nose, and can also be found on the baby's clothes or bedding.  This is something that happens after the baby dies not during.  So this is one thing that I found that morning when I found Jaleel.   The baby may be found face down or in a strange position.  The baby may have seemed to scoot in a corner,  be covered with bedding, and have clenched fists.   I remember when I found Jaleel a pillow was next to his face but not on him.   Pressure marks maybe found on the head and body.  This can happen if an object like toys or a folds of a blanket. Rigor mortis ( the stiffness of the body) happens more quickly with infants than older children or adults. Livor mortis (lividity) results from pooling of blood after death.  It's also possible to find the baby faced down even though the baby was placed on his back to sleep.  After death gravity and the pool of blood can cause the baby to collapse into a face down position.  So it makes me feel better that these things are found in SIDS babies because these are signs when I found my poor baby.  All day and night I have been thinking it wasn't SIDS it was suffocation and that would be my fault. It's hard enough to live without his presence every second of the day, but to know if it wasn't for me he'd still be here, that I don't know how to cope with. It's hard not to think about his death and what his cause of death was.  My mind thinks about it, I can't help it.  I wish I could never think about that day if it were up to me, but it's beyond my control.  It makes me feel so sad and sick to think about that horrible fateful day.  I keep playing that day in my head which is very normal  when your baby dies suddenly without warning.  I remember waking up and knowing something was wrong because Jaleel would cry and I'd wake up I would offer him my breast but he'd still cry.  It's like he was saying" Okay Mommy, we've been in bed long enough time to get up!" So I knew when I woke up and he didn't wake me up something was wrong, and my shirt was drenched and my breasts were over flowing of milk, because he hadn't nursed for nearly 12 hours.  I found him on his stomach and flipped him over on his back.  I ran into the kitchen grabbed the cordless phone and dialed 9-1-1.  Why didn't I use the phone in the bedroom?  Why didn't I pick him up when I went to call 9-1-1.  I never picked him up.  I went back into the bedroom where Jaleel was lifelessly lying and told the operator where we lived so they could send an ambulance.  It seemed to take them forever to get there.  I am CPR certified for infants, children, and adults.  So why didn't I start CPR until the operator told me.  That's the first thing I should have done!  Why didn't I pick him up?  When I heard the ambulance I left Jaleel there (again why) ran to the door and rushed them in and pointed to the bedroom where he was.  As they worked I was in the hallway. Why?  Why didn't I watch them to make sure they did everything possible to save my son?  It seems like they didn't do anything, they weren't in there for very long.  I'm sure they tried but realized he was already gone, but still!!!  When the EMT told me he was gone(I think he shook his head no, like sorry we couldn't save him) why didn't I scream for them to keep trying?  Why did I let go of my son so easily?  I think when they told me I said okay and went outside to call Allen.  When I called him I was so calm, how could I be calm when my baby was dead?   Allen broke down when I told him but why didn't I?  I was his mother I'm the one that bonded with him the most. I remember Allen's mother rushing over when she saw the ambulance and asked what  happened, and I told her Jaleel wasn't breathing, she started to cry.  Which is weird cuz she's such a tough and strong women.  I remember Allen telling me he never saw his Mom cry when his Dad died from cancer.  Why was everyone crying but not me?  Why didn't I hold him one last time?  I was told I had to leave until the coroner came which took like almost an hour for him to get here.  And then another hour for him to do his investagation.  They wouldn't even let me get my shoes that were in the bedroom, and it was raining that day.  I remember Allen's daughter Anitra coming down along with Sadarea( Brandon's girlfriend) So did Allen's sister Rose and Wendy his neice.  They stayed with me until Allen got home that night. As I type this I get this errie feeling just thinking about that day.  When the coroner was finally done he came over and talked to me about what had happened. He actually asked me if I rolled over on Jaleel.  I NEVER DID!  I always knew he was there.  When I was allowed to go back into the house before I did I knew Jaleel was already in the coroner's car.  I asked if I could see my baby one last time and he told me no, that I didn't want to see him like that I should remember him the last time I saw him alive.  I should have argued and said NO, I want to see my baby, but I didn't, I agreed with him.  It should not have been up to him, it should have been up to me!!! Rose asked if she could see the baby but he told her no also.  She asked Jaleel's time of death they said 6am but I knew that was wrong, because he would have woken up to eat at some point during the night. We later found out he died around 2am which makes more sense.  He would wake up to be fed between 2-3am.  But see that makes me wonder too.  If he died at 2am around the time for his next feeeding, maybe he woke up but couldn't breathe and died, but then I think but his eyes were closed, and then I think well sometimes he cried with his eyes closed.  I did end up crying a lot that day.  Rose said I could go take a nap, but how could I sleep when my baby just died not to mention I wasn't about to sleep where my son had died. I remember coming back in the house and on the kitchen table was the package from the sheet they covered Jaleel in.  How insensitive of them, they couldn't throw it away or take it with them.  I was so worried about Jaleel being in the backseat of the coroner's car.  Wouldn't he fall or be pushed around from the movement of the car or when the coroner turned?  I so wanted them to put him in his carseat but I never said that, I guess fear they'd think I was crazy, but the coroner reassured me that Jaleel would be fine.  He told me he'd take good care of Jaleel and that he has 5 kids of us own and I could entrust my son in his care.  And then the coroner was gone and with him my poor precious baby boy Jaleel.  Jaleel was gone forever just like that. 

Allen's family went into town and got something to eat and picked me up something, but I couldn't eat.  I think four days later I  finally threw away that calzone they got me.  I didn't really eat for the first week and a half.  And took me three days just to eat at all.

That day was so unreal, it hadn't sunk in that Jaleel was gone. Even now I still can't believe it sometimes.  These last three weeks have been such a blur.  I remember those first few days time just flew by.  I don't know how I have gotten through these weeks without my son.  The son I carried inside of me, I felt him kick and his hiccups all the time.  The son I endure so much pain while in labor and recovering from the c/s, but I knew for him every second of the pain was worth it.  Why would God let me carry him to term and have a healthy baby just to take him away oh too soon?  I miss him more than anyone even knows.Sometimes I think I wish I never got pregnant because then I wouldn't miss what I didn't know, but I think that when I am in so much pain from  losing my precious Jaleel, but even though my life is forever changed and am in more pain that I have ever experienced. I am glad I knew Jaleel I'm glad to call him my son, and am deeply touched by how many lives and hearts he has forever touched, and because of us and all of you I know he will forever live on. 

Everyone is always telling me how strong I am.  I'm not strong at all.  So many times my heart aches for him, my arms ache to hold him, I am so bitter, jealous, and angry.  I'm bitter and angry that he's gone and that I have to survive in this world without him.  I am jealous that my friends have there babies to hold and to watch grow, and I can't have that with Jaleel.  I have pleaded to God so many times to bring him back, but he never does.  I even said if he brought him back I could lose everyone of my friends, because they would never believe he really died if he came back to me, but I wouldn't care, not if it meant I had Jaleel.  I just go in his room when I get sad and cry over his crib.  I feel like I am unable to go on but somehow I manage day by day, even when I just want to die.  I check several times a day for him in his crib but he's never there and I know that but I think maybe he's there so I look.  Every night and every time I go into his room before I leave I kiss my hand and place my hand on his mattress.  That's me kising him good night.  I touch that one strand of hair of his I found because it's the only thing left I have of him.  When my arms ache to hold him I either hug a pillow or his teddy bear, because I can't stand the pain of having my arms empty with no baby to hold in my arms.  I don't cry anymore before I fall asleep but I still cradle his teddy bear and pretend it's Jaleel that I am falling asleep with.  I don't sleep with his picture anymore, but still sleep with his outfit.  And I finally washed the last outfit he wore and the hat that smelled like him( the scent of him is long gone) and I put it in his crib.  See I'm not strong at all I am so weak without Jaleel but it's just a front I put on.  If you only knew how many times I sit at the computer talking to my friends and crying and I don't let on that I'm sad.  I have not been talking to hardly anyone and if I do talk to you consider your self privledged.  If I talk to you it's either because I need a laugh or because I know right now you are going through your own hardship and trying so hard to still be there for my friends. But right now I can't sit at the computer and put on a happy face and pretend everything is ok, because it never will be again.  If I say I'm okay trust me I'm not but what am I gonna say no I'm not okay and have my friends feel bad, no not about to do that. Today one of my friends showed me all the pictures she has of her baby boy, and I thought why didn't I take more pictures of Jaleel? It mad me so sad and I cried thinking how she had her baby and mine is gone.  It's not fair that everyone has a baby to cherish and hold and mine is forever gone.  You have no fucking idea how much I want to go to the grave site and bury him up and bring him home where he belongs.   I was talking to one of my very close friends and she did a myspace survey and one of the questions was do you want to tell me something you didn't before.  She said she feels bad talking about her baby so she tells another one of our close friends, because she doesn't want to upset me, that made me feel so sad, because her baby is a part of her and by concealing that part of her life she's concealing a part of herself.  I understand she's trying to protect me and not make me any sadder than I already am, but it sucks.  And for that friend that's reading this you know who you are, I miss the old me as much as you do, and I am sorry what burden I am putting on all of you. Ok I think we can all agree this is my longest blog ever; a new record for me.  I need to stop. It's almost 6 am and been tired since 2:30am so bed time for me. If you guys read this blog from beginning to finish then you are a true friend, and a bored friend,lol.  I've said it before and I'll say it again I love you all more than you'll ever know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight I wanna cry...

Subject : Tonight I wanna cry.....

Posted Date: : Jul 3, 2006 9:41 PM

So I have been doing so well these last two days,  but you know what they say one step forward two steps back, that pretty much sums it up.  I am missing Jaleel and missing all that I will never see him do.  I miss never knowing what his voice will sound like, hearing his first laugh, or seeing what he would grow up to look like, and never knowing if he'll grow up to be a good man like his father.  I'll never know if he was gonna be funny and sarcastic like me, or calm and collected like his Dad.  What would he have grown up to be. Would he have changed the world? What would his interests have been.  I know he'll never feel pain, hurt, or disappointment.  But at the same time he'll never get to walk, run, never swim, he'll never get in trouble and drive me crazy,lol.  There are so many things he'll never have the joy and sorrow of experiencing.  Would he have been a momma's boy or a kiss-up like his brother Nicholas,lol!  Would he have compassion for others like his big sister Michaela. I found this song on Myspace music and put it on my page.  Here are the lyrics to how I am feeling.  It's hard for me to show my feelings(like the song says)  must get that from my mom, thanks Mom,lol!

 Tonight I wanna cry:          

~ {verse 1} ~
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

~ {chorus} ~
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To Hell with my pride let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

~ {verse 2} ~
Would it help if i turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

~ {chorus} ~
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To Hell with my pride let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry!!!!

~ {chorus} ~
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To Hell with this pride let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry!