Thinking about the day Jaleel Passed Away......

Subject : Thinking about the day Jaleel Passed Away

Posted Date: : Jul 6, 2006 8:10 AM

Today has been another rough day. I miss my baby so much.  I am still so angry that he is gone and left me to mourn him.  I don't want to mourn him, I don't want to be a survivor of my son's death.  I want to hold and love him.  I want him to be okay and smiling at me. I want him to be growing and learning all these new things that all my BC girls babies are learning and doing. Our children are not suppose to die before us, ecspecially not a baby.  Usually every Tuesday I am haunted with remembering the day Jaleel died.  In my mind I can see so clearly the way he looked when I found him.  He was on his stomach.  Why did I find him on his stomach when I placed him on his back to sleep?  His body was cool but not cold, like they say it should be.  His fists were clenched.  I remember trying to unclench his tiny little hand, but I really couldn't.  Were his fists clenched because he suffered?  His mouth was open a little bit.  He had two marks on his face.  One above his top lip and the other was below his bottom lip on his chin. They were light I think maybe like a light purple.  Why did he have these marks? His color was still good.  His lips weren't purple but discolored a little. I noticed a very light pink bodily fluid left on the sheet. So I did some research on google I wanted to know if these symptoms were common in SIDS babies.  I still don't have the autopsy back so am doing my own research until I find out what the toxicoligists findings were.  I found an article describing the typical death scene findings with a baby that died of SIDS.  It says their is often a frothy white or blood tinged  discharge around the baby's mouth and nose, and can also be found on the baby's clothes or bedding.  This is something that happens after the baby dies not during.  So this is one thing that I found that morning when I found Jaleel.   The baby may be found face down or in a strange position.  The baby may have seemed to scoot in a corner,  be covered with bedding, and have clenched fists.   I remember when I found Jaleel a pillow was next to his face but not on him.   Pressure marks maybe found on the head and body.  This can happen if an object like toys or a folds of a blanket. Rigor mortis ( the stiffness of the body) happens more quickly with infants than older children or adults. Livor mortis (lividity) results from pooling of blood after death.  It's also possible to find the baby faced down even though the baby was placed on his back to sleep.  After death gravity and the pool of blood can cause the baby to collapse into a face down position.  So it makes me feel better that these things are found in SIDS babies because these are signs when I found my poor baby.  All day and night I have been thinking it wasn't SIDS it was suffocation and that would be my fault. It's hard enough to live without his presence every second of the day, but to know if it wasn't for me he'd still be here, that I don't know how to cope with. It's hard not to think about his death and what his cause of death was.  My mind thinks about it, I can't help it.  I wish I could never think about that day if it were up to me, but it's beyond my control.  It makes me feel so sad and sick to think about that horrible fateful day.  I keep playing that day in my head which is very normal  when your baby dies suddenly without warning.  I remember waking up and knowing something was wrong because Jaleel would cry and I'd wake up I would offer him my breast but he'd still cry.  It's like he was saying" Okay Mommy, we've been in bed long enough time to get up!" So I knew when I woke up and he didn't wake me up something was wrong, and my shirt was drenched and my breasts were over flowing of milk, because he hadn't nursed for nearly 12 hours.  I found him on his stomach and flipped him over on his back.  I ran into the kitchen grabbed the cordless phone and dialed 9-1-1.  Why didn't I use the phone in the bedroom?  Why didn't I pick him up when I went to call 9-1-1.  I never picked him up.  I went back into the bedroom where Jaleel was lifelessly lying and told the operator where we lived so they could send an ambulance.  It seemed to take them forever to get there.  I am CPR certified for infants, children, and adults.  So why didn't I start CPR until the operator told me.  That's the first thing I should have done!  Why didn't I pick him up?  When I heard the ambulance I left Jaleel there (again why) ran to the door and rushed them in and pointed to the bedroom where he was.  As they worked I was in the hallway. Why?  Why didn't I watch them to make sure they did everything possible to save my son?  It seems like they didn't do anything, they weren't in there for very long.  I'm sure they tried but realized he was already gone, but still!!!  When the EMT told me he was gone(I think he shook his head no, like sorry we couldn't save him) why didn't I scream for them to keep trying?  Why did I let go of my son so easily?  I think when they told me I said okay and went outside to call Allen.  When I called him I was so calm, how could I be calm when my baby was dead?   Allen broke down when I told him but why didn't I?  I was his mother I'm the one that bonded with him the most. I remember Allen's mother rushing over when she saw the ambulance and asked what  happened, and I told her Jaleel wasn't breathing, she started to cry.  Which is weird cuz she's such a tough and strong women.  I remember Allen telling me he never saw his Mom cry when his Dad died from cancer.  Why was everyone crying but not me?  Why didn't I hold him one last time?  I was told I had to leave until the coroner came which took like almost an hour for him to get here.  And then another hour for him to do his investagation.  They wouldn't even let me get my shoes that were in the bedroom, and it was raining that day.  I remember Allen's daughter Anitra coming down along with Sadarea( Brandon's girlfriend) So did Allen's sister Rose and Wendy his neice.  They stayed with me until Allen got home that night. As I type this I get this errie feeling just thinking about that day.  When the coroner was finally done he came over and talked to me about what had happened. He actually asked me if I rolled over on Jaleel.  I NEVER DID!  I always knew he was there.  When I was allowed to go back into the house before I did I knew Jaleel was already in the coroner's car.  I asked if I could see my baby one last time and he told me no, that I didn't want to see him like that I should remember him the last time I saw him alive.  I should have argued and said NO, I want to see my baby, but I didn't, I agreed with him.  It should not have been up to him, it should have been up to me!!! Rose asked if she could see the baby but he told her no also.  She asked Jaleel's time of death they said 6am but I knew that was wrong, because he would have woken up to eat at some point during the night. We later found out he died around 2am which makes more sense.  He would wake up to be fed between 2-3am.  But see that makes me wonder too.  If he died at 2am around the time for his next feeeding, maybe he woke up but couldn't breathe and died, but then I think but his eyes were closed, and then I think well sometimes he cried with his eyes closed.  I did end up crying a lot that day.  Rose said I could go take a nap, but how could I sleep when my baby just died not to mention I wasn't about to sleep where my son had died. I remember coming back in the house and on the kitchen table was the package from the sheet they covered Jaleel in.  How insensitive of them, they couldn't throw it away or take it with them.  I was so worried about Jaleel being in the backseat of the coroner's car.  Wouldn't he fall or be pushed around from the movement of the car or when the coroner turned?  I so wanted them to put him in his carseat but I never said that, I guess fear they'd think I was crazy, but the coroner reassured me that Jaleel would be fine.  He told me he'd take good care of Jaleel and that he has 5 kids of us own and I could entrust my son in his care.  And then the coroner was gone and with him my poor precious baby boy Jaleel.  Jaleel was gone forever just like that. 

Allen's family went into town and got something to eat and picked me up something, but I couldn't eat.  I think four days later I  finally threw away that calzone they got me.  I didn't really eat for the first week and a half.  And took me three days just to eat at all.

That day was so unreal, it hadn't sunk in that Jaleel was gone. Even now I still can't believe it sometimes.  These last three weeks have been such a blur.  I remember those first few days time just flew by.  I don't know how I have gotten through these weeks without my son.  The son I carried inside of me, I felt him kick and his hiccups all the time.  The son I endure so much pain while in labor and recovering from the c/s, but I knew for him every second of the pain was worth it.  Why would God let me carry him to term and have a healthy baby just to take him away oh too soon?  I miss him more than anyone even knows.Sometimes I think I wish I never got pregnant because then I wouldn't miss what I didn't know, but I think that when I am in so much pain from  losing my precious Jaleel, but even though my life is forever changed and am in more pain that I have ever experienced. I am glad I knew Jaleel I'm glad to call him my son, and am deeply touched by how many lives and hearts he has forever touched, and because of us and all of you I know he will forever live on. 

Everyone is always telling me how strong I am.  I'm not strong at all.  So many times my heart aches for him, my arms ache to hold him, I am so bitter, jealous, and angry.  I'm bitter and angry that he's gone and that I have to survive in this world without him.  I am jealous that my friends have there babies to hold and to watch grow, and I can't have that with Jaleel.  I have pleaded to God so many times to bring him back, but he never does.  I even said if he brought him back I could lose everyone of my friends, because they would never believe he really died if he came back to me, but I wouldn't care, not if it meant I had Jaleel.  I just go in his room when I get sad and cry over his crib.  I feel like I am unable to go on but somehow I manage day by day, even when I just want to die.  I check several times a day for him in his crib but he's never there and I know that but I think maybe he's there so I look.  Every night and every time I go into his room before I leave I kiss my hand and place my hand on his mattress.  That's me kising him good night.  I touch that one strand of hair of his I found because it's the only thing left I have of him.  When my arms ache to hold him I either hug a pillow or his teddy bear, because I can't stand the pain of having my arms empty with no baby to hold in my arms.  I don't cry anymore before I fall asleep but I still cradle his teddy bear and pretend it's Jaleel that I am falling asleep with.  I don't sleep with his picture anymore, but still sleep with his outfit.  And I finally washed the last outfit he wore and the hat that smelled like him( the scent of him is long gone) and I put it in his crib.  See I'm not strong at all I am so weak without Jaleel but it's just a front I put on.  If you only knew how many times I sit at the computer talking to my friends and crying and I don't let on that I'm sad.  I have not been talking to hardly anyone and if I do talk to you consider your self privledged.  If I talk to you it's either because I need a laugh or because I know right now you are going through your own hardship and trying so hard to still be there for my friends. But right now I can't sit at the computer and put on a happy face and pretend everything is ok, because it never will be again.  If I say I'm okay trust me I'm not but what am I gonna say no I'm not okay and have my friends feel bad, no not about to do that. Today one of my friends showed me all the pictures she has of her baby boy, and I thought why didn't I take more pictures of Jaleel? It mad me so sad and I cried thinking how she had her baby and mine is gone.  It's not fair that everyone has a baby to cherish and hold and mine is forever gone.  You have no fucking idea how much I want to go to the grave site and bury him up and bring him home where he belongs.   I was talking to one of my very close friends and she did a myspace survey and one of the questions was do you want to tell me something you didn't before.  She said she feels bad talking about her baby so she tells another one of our close friends, because she doesn't want to upset me, that made me feel so sad, because her baby is a part of her and by concealing that part of her life she's concealing a part of herself.  I understand she's trying to protect me and not make me any sadder than I already am, but it sucks.  And for that friend that's reading this you know who you are, I miss the old me as much as you do, and I am sorry what burden I am putting on all of you. Ok I think we can all agree this is my longest blog ever; a new record for me.  I need to stop. It's almost 6 am and been tired since 2:30am so bed time for me. If you guys read this blog from beginning to finish then you are a true friend, and a bored friend,lol.  I've said it before and I'll say it again I love you all more than you'll ever know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!