My baby girl. I miss you so much. You seem less real to me today. As though you were never really here at all. I look around and try to see you in everything that I do. I am consumed by this and yet it all seems to far away.
The days keep rolling by. I accept that you are gone but I have no peace about it. Does that peace ever come? I cannot change it, I cannot undo it. I just don't know how to live with it.
Christmas is coming, our first with you and our first without you. I don't know how to celebrate although I plan on celebrating it as Jesus' birthday. I plan on using it to honor where you are. I sponsored a baby on the angel tree at Walmart. A little girl. I bought her things I can't buy you. I gave her a toy you would have loved.
Kirsten's puppy died last night at her Dad's. He called me and asked me to help him find a new one. How simple that must be, to just go buy a new puppy. I will pick her up from school today and have to help her grieve that dog as though it even matters. How am I supposed to pretend I care about a puppy dying. I know that for her it must be so much more than that. It must be another death so quickly on the heels of yours. But I am resentful that I even have to pretend it matters.
Nothing seems to matter but the fact that you are gone. It even seems to outweight the fact that you were here. How unfair that your death should seem more important than your life. That the pain seems stronger than the joy.
When will that change. When can I honor your memory by remembering the pure joy you brought to me? I love you baby Nay. I lost a piece of me. The part that matters I think. The one that loves and cares. Now I just walk around going through the motions.
You are my baby girl, now and always.
Love, Mommy
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