Posted Date: Jun 21, 2006 2:57 AM
*IF YOU GET OFFENDED EASILY YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS BLOG*
Since this happened me losing Jaleel, I have tried not to talk all about losing him, or about him becasue I didn't want to upset people, and have them be like oh great Stacey's on & talking about Jaleel & his death again, but today I realized I am in mourning and I'm allowed to talk about him & his death, and if people have a problem with that too bad. I'm allowed to be selfish and to play the what if game, and to cry about him, & to miss him. I am entitled to that. If people are sick of reading my blogs only talking about Jaleel too bad, but I doubt any of you are thinking this, but if you are I am sorry you can't understand how my life as I knew it is no longer mine. It has been filled with emptiness, sorrow, despair, and so many unanswered questions. But if you think about it if he was still alive I would still be blogging about him. I understand these blogs in the last week are hard to read because you care about me & can understand and feel my pain on some level.
I have to be honest here. It has been a week today since Jaleel left us and I am still very much in mourning which is expected I was his Mommy. But it seems as though everyone has moved on. Yes you still ask me how I am, because you are worried about me, but for the most part it seems as though what happpened to Jaleel has been forgotten. I know you haven't forgotten, but it seems as a week has passed and most people have stopped talking about him, and expect me to be all better, maybe I am wrong but I am emotional right now & not myself. I don't know how and if I will ever be the same. That's why I was so glad that Blair blogged about Jaleel, it made me feel like I'm not the only one missing and thinking about him. I'm not the only one who remembers too well that fateful day. Thank you Blair. I love you!!! If you have a chance read her blog about Jaleel.
Today has been a very weird day. Allen went back to work today and as most of you know he does long distance driving. So he will not be back home until Friday sometime. It's so hard without Allen here. I miss him so much!!! I was getting use to and enjoying him being here when I woke up and holding me when I go to bed, and we have gotten closer. He has been great through this whole thing. It's so weird all day it felt like Jaleel was here, just in the other room sleeping. Even though every time I went into his bedroom his crib was empty. Maybe it felt that way because I was use to Jaleel and I being here while Allen was on the road. So now that it's night time it's eerie and weird being all alone without Allen or Jaleel. I don't want to sleep in the bed w/o either of them, so I am sure will just sleep on the couch. I hate being alone which is ironic because loved being alone when I was pregnant. I was like see ya bye Allen,lol!
So I took a walk today and had a little talk with god. I realized there was a reason I believed in him in the first place. But God has tested me, but I guess he does test us to make sure we believe and still believe in him. I told him if Jaleel was taken to serve a higher purpose to please send me a sign. Like having his "ghost" or "spirit"(if there is such a thing) visit me or have me dream about him, or whatever sign he feels fit to give me. I told him if there is a heaven he better be taking very good care of my little boy, but I can't believe that he loves Jaleel more than me, because who loved him more than his Mommy no one besides his Daddy!!! I also told him to tell Jaleel to take good care of his friend Londyn because I don't want anyone to go through what I am, especially my friends. As I am writing this blog I got up to get a drink and although I know Jaleel isn't here I can't but help to look back, hoping I'll see him there, but he never is there. Even though it's been a week it still seems so unreal. I'm waiting to wake up from this horrific nightmare, but I never do.
All day I have had his last outfit he wore the one my mom got him and his hat with me the whole time. I am kind of upset Allen hasn't called to check up on me. Allen and I had a good talk yesterday. We were talking about Jaleel. Ok I take that back Allen just called me. So Allen & I were talking about did we do something in our own lives and he(God) punished us by taking Jaleel away, I know that's silly, but makes you wonder why this happens, and why it has happened to us. I could write more but I am tired and am sick of thinking about today. Now it's time to go and think and cry about Jaleel until I fall asleep. I love you all!!!!
P.S. Thank You all for the comments of memories you have had of Jaleel.
No comments:
Post a Comment