Okay I have a list of don'ts. I also have a list of Do's. Maybe this is my angry stage but it is also a genuine attempt to get people to understand what we are going through.
1. Don't ask us when or if we are going to have more children. Naylen was not a puppy. She is not replaceable. That question has no place in our grief process.
2.Don't say, "Enough about that" when we try to talk about her. Each of us needs support. Being a father does not mean that it does not hurt.
3.Don't repeat or makeup disgusting stories about how our baby died in order to justify it. There is no justification. Nothing makes it make sense. She is gone, that is enough.
4.If you hear someone say something negative about us or Nay's death don't tell us. We do not need the added hurt.
5.Don't not say her name. Talk about her. We love to talk about Naylen. Sure we might cry but not because you mentioned her, because we are hurting. Nothing anyone can say to me can hurt me anymore than I am already hurting so please quite tip-toeing around me.
6. Don't wait for us to call you. Reach out to us. We will probably not call you. We are a little wrapped up in ourselves and we are hurting. We feel like it is unfair to share that with you. So if you want to help us and be part of this process then call us, check on us, come by, see us, Don't wait for the right time. There is never a wrong time for friendship.
7.Do not expect us to be over this. If we act okay it does not mean we are not still hurting. This hurt will never go away. Understand that years from we will still suffer from this loss. You can't ignore it forever.
8. Don't forget that our children are suffering too. Kirsten is nine and she is old enough to truly feel this loss. Kinsley while young, is old enough to know that our entire household has turned upside down.
9. Don't be afraid to talk to me about other things. I still care about everything and everyone I cared about before. Still come to me with your own problems and news. I am lonely enough now without also being left out of your lives.
10.Don't act like we are contagious. I know that Naylen dying forces people to face their own mortality and the mortality of their children. But SIDS and infant death is not contagious. Sharing our grief does not mean it will become yours.
11. Do not offer to buy my bed. Do not offer me a new one. I will deal with that issue when I am ready.
12.Don't be afraid to ask us questions. Bascially don't be afraid of us. We are different people now. I am not sure who we will be or who we are but we still love you.
If you have done any of these things we forgive you. We understand that this is unchartered territory for all of us. We know that Naylen's life is so much bigger than any of this. Don't let any of that stop you from talking to us. We have lost Naylen, we do not want to lose you too.
List of Do's
1.DO TALK ABOUT NAYLEN. WE LOVE TO TALK ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL OUR DAUGHTER WAS AND IS. WE LOVE TO SHARE STORIES ABOUT HER AND REMEMBER EVERY LITTLE COO.
2.Do stop by the house, call us, ask us to go out, make plans. We still like you all.
3.Do show me your pictures of Nay. Looking at my baby never hurts.
4.Do light a candle for Nay everytime you visit this site. I love to know that people are thinking about her. It gives me great comfort.
5.Do visit Nay's grave. Leave her trinkets. Again we like to know that she is also on your mind.
Naylen is always going to be my baby. I loved her from the moment I knew she was coming. She was only here two months but that does not diminish how I feel about her or her death. She was a part of us and we have lost her. Our family will always be lacking now. We no longer have the luxury of ignorance. Please remember that. You cannot put yourselves in our place. Thank God for that. I hope you never can. But at least attempt to imagine what this must feel like. Think about what you would want to hear and what you wouldn't.
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