So it has been 16 days since Jaleel passed away. Can't you believe it's been over two weeks because I can't. Yesterday was hard. It seemed like a normal day, a normal day with him here. It just felt like he was here although I know he wasn't. As I was vaccuming yesterday I was thinking how I would always check on him when I finished to make sure the vaccum didn't wake him, which it never did. My kids can sleep through a lot,lol. And when I finished although I knew he wasn't there I still had to check. I must have checked to see if he was in his crib yesterday over a dozen times. I knew he wouldn't be there but I still had to check. I guess I'm hoping one day when I check he'll be there playing happily in his crib waiting for me to pick him up, although I knnow that will never happen. At least now I only check his room, I use to check the whole house for him, looking for him, but once again he was never there. It stills eems so unreal even now him being gone, but at the same time I am starting to accept it, not like I have a choice in the matter. I still think about him all the time, and I still cry about him at night. I just wish I could look at him one more time and hold him one more time. I wish I could feel the palms of his hands and the bottom of his feet they were so soft. I think how I should be sitting at this computer holding him not mourning him. I had a dream about him the other night I don't remember the dream just remembered he was in it, and for once I felt peace. I miss nursing Jaleel and just watching him as he eats and just feeling close to him. I miss everything about him, but I remembering more of the good memories than the ones of the last day I saw him so that's good. Thinking of all the memories he gave us just makes me smile, and those are memories I will never forget. So still not sleeping well but I guess that is to be expected. I have been reading and posting on grief and loss on the babycenter boards, and reading all these women who lost their babies makes me so sad. Some lost them before they were born, others only days after they were born. When I read stories like these it makes me so thankful that at least I got almost a month with Jaleel, some don't even get that long. I hope Jaleel is watching over a baby so that baby & that family don't have to deal with the heart break and sorrow of losing a child. If that is his purpose then it's worth it for a child's life to be saved. I don't want anyone to have to go through this. I am thankful my firneds still let me talk about him if it's memories or me missing him that helps me and means a lot to me so thank you.
For those who read my last blog and wondered was I talking about you, did you totally disregard my feelings and only take about you. It wasn't any of you. The person who is was knew it was them it was Proud and she replied about how she is the center of her world and she hs every right to be,hahaha. Well to people like that I hope if a tradegy ever hits them I hope they have beetr friends than people like that have been to me, not many but a few. I also realized that we think life is over if we don't get that job or our marriage is crumbling and although I realize that these things are horrible I would give any one of those things plus more take place in my life if it meant i could have Jaleel back in my arms safe and happy.
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