Subject : Jaleel's funeral... He's gone forever!!!!
Posted Date: : Jun 16, 2006 7:17 PM
So as most of you know we had Jaleel's funeral at 11am this morning. We had a service at the cemetary. He was there with the casket closed. As the Rev was talking about god and Jaleel being in a better place it was hard to concentrate on what he was saying, because as I stared at his little coffin I couldn't stop my mind from racing. Thinking of how I'd never seen him grow bigger. How I'll never see his face in the flesh again, never get to hold him again, never know if his hair would have been curly like his daddy's. I’ve never know what he would have looked like at 6 months, 1 year, a teenager, an adult. The only way I can visit him now is to go to his grave, but I'll never see him again. I wasn't able to see him one more time, but maybe it's better that way. It was so hard to have to say good-bye. Anytime I have ever gone to a funeral and gone to the cemetery afterwards they would wait for the family to leave to bury the person, but today they put Jaleel in the ground & buried him while we were all still there. It was so incredibly hard to watch that, but I couldn't bring myself to walk away and not look. They put him in the ground gently and put him & the coffin in a box that fit the coffin, maybe so nothing can get in his coffin, and the coffin had a cover on it. As they started putting dirt on his coffin I was thinking do it gently even though they were. I was thinking he can hear that and must be loud even though I know he's not alive anymore, but I'm still his mommy and still want to protect him, and I know I will always be his mommy. One of Allen's family members made a laminated card of Jaleel. Had his pic on the front & on the back it had his name spelled out. Like J is for A is for etc.... I took that laminated picture and put it in my wallet right next to Michaela and Nicholas's picture. I was telling Allen I never had a picture of all three of my kids together. So what I am going to do it take a picture of Michaela & Nicholas and then a separate picture of Jaleel and take it to the jeweler and get a heart shape necklace and have him put the pics together to make it look like it's one of all three of them. I did that one year for Nicholas's grandmother. Took two separate pictures of Jamie (Nick's half-brother from his dad) & Nicholas & put it on a heart necklace. So I know it can be done. Speaking of pictures... Allen & his sister Rose took pictures of Jaleel at the wake in his coffin. We don't do that in my family, but I know Allen does. I mean Jaleel did look good, Tara (the embalmer) did a very good job, but still why do people want pictures of someone dead in their coffin? Why would you want to be reminded of that can someone explain it to me? I mean I can understand a little more for someone who lost her baby & even though he wasn't alive when he was born she still wanted a picture of him. That happened to one of my friends, so I can understand that. But we have many pics of Jaleel so why do we need any of him when he died? I remember saying damn I took so many pics of Jaleel you'd think I was a 1st time mother, because you always know when you can spot a 1st time mother by all the pictures she takes of her child,lol. But now I am so glad I took so many. I wish I had one of Allen, Jaleel, & I together.
I think if I have learned anything from losing Jaleel it is don't take things for granted because there is no guarantee that person or the thing you put off will be there tomorrow. Monday I had said to Allen's mother" I was going bring Jaleel over Sunday to meet His Uncle Lewis and Perrie, and her his Aunt Diane to meet him. I told her oh well there's always another Sunday, but there isn't now. Or how I was going to take a pic of Anitra (Jaleel's sister) holding him, but I said to myself I'll just take it some other day. Or how many times I broke a promise to my kids cuz I didn't feel like going to the park So don't take life or your children for granted.
Two of Allen's nieces are due to have babies. One in July & One due in August. Allen told his niece Wendy she could have Jaleel's crib. I know I won't have another child but I like going in his room seeing his crib there and crying and thinking about the memories I have of him. I know I will never forget my precious little angel, but if his crib is gone it's like he never existed, and his presence was never felt in this house. I'm not ready to let go so quickly. I am going to save all of his clothes and his bedding, and his pacifiers. I will never give that stuff away, and I will never forget him.
Last night I cried. I do every night when I go to bed since he's be gone. I think of how he's supposed to be in the bed with me. I wanted to just have him be there last night so I could hold him in my arms while I watched him sleep until I fell asleep. I slept with his hat again and teddy bear. Allen asked me if I was okay but he knew i wasn't so he held me, I needed that. And when I woke up this morning I still had his little hat in my hand. I felt like if I let go of it in my sleep, Jaleel put it back in my hand. I don't know if there is a God or a heaven, or if his spirit is up there now, or if he ends where his life ended, but I think when something like this happens we all need to believe there is a place called heaven where Jaleel is giving people love and joy with that happy and content personality and bring joy with those beautiful dark eyes of his and his cute grin. I don't even have a picture of him smiling... I'll never know if he was a laid back happy go lucky kind of person like his dad, would he of had a short temper like his mommy? I am sure when I see a baby his age or a child that should be his age, I will think of him. But I am so afraid we only had a short time with him and so afraid I will forget those precious memories of him. I know I'll never forget him, but I always want to remember everything about him. Sometimes I feel so bad laughing I feel like I shouldn't be laughing or be happy I'm supposed to be mourning my baby boy. It seems like everyone else it going on with their life including Allen and I'm her stuck in time. I know life goes on but seems to be going on too quickly. How long before people forget him? How long before people stop talking about him? I always want to talk to him to keep his memory alive in ours and my own heart and life.
This poem is from one of my BC girls thank you it makes me feel a little better reading it:
What Makes A Mother?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But, God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can" He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay"
"I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here"
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy, don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here'
"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are in my home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with me
Until our lesson is through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you
So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on Earth may not realize
You are a Mother
Until their time is done
They'll be up here with me one day
And know you're the best one!"
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