Okay I just took a sleeping pill, and it's starting to kick in so bare with me. So Wendy came over today with her big pregnant belly, and I want to see her when her daughter is born. (Jaleel's cousin) She's being induced on July 17th, 2006 ( in about 2 weeks) I wanna see her for a selfish reason. I want to hold her baby because I don't have mine to hold anymore. but on the other hand she did come see me when Jaleel was born. I gave her Jaleel's playtex nurser bottles. I had boiled his nipples so they are sterile.
So I have read up on SIDS and they say breastfeeding, babies who use pacifers, and not smoking in the house all decrease and help a baby so they don't get SIDS and I did all of these things. They even say co-sleeping helps and bonds a mother and baby. Something to do with the breathing pattern of the mother and baby when they sleep together. So why is it I did all these things to reduce his risks and he ended up dying anyway. I try not to dwell and think about the day he died but it's so hard to think that Jaleel was lying their dead for like 7 hours next to me and I didn't wake up. My poor baby. I know I probably couldn't have saved him, but I feel jipped I didn't even get the chance to try.
Right now all Jaleel has it a graver marker with his name and says 2006-2006 and I told allen I want to get him a stone I don't care how much it costs.
I still miss Jaleel so damn much but each day seems to get easier, and some days it gets harder, but I know although I will never forget him and he'll always be in my heart I have two other kids that need their Mommy, and I need to focus my energy and time on them. I also need to get back to work, I know it's not healthy being here all day thinking about how Jaleel is no longer here. I don't ever want to get rid of his crib I know sometime I will have too, but I don't want to because it's like once his crib is gone so is his memory of ever being in this house. I go in his room and kiss my hand & place my hand where he use to sleep and say good night to him. You know how sometimes when babies sleep they will shed hair, well I looked to see if I could find even one strand of Jaleel's hair and I did! I kept it in his crib, that way a part of him is still here.
I want to thank everyone who has checked out Jaleel's memorial page and those who lit a candle in his memory it means so much to me!!! I love you all. I was thinking about all of you that prayed to give me strength in this time it must have worked because somehow each day I find strength to get through each day. Once I thought about killing myself but I realize Michaela and Nicholas still need their Mommy, and you don't go to Heaven if you take your own life. I wanna see Jaleel again someday, so until it is my time, I will try to live my life the best I can without Jaleel. The past two nights I haven't cried when I went to bed so thats good. I have been focusing on the happy times we had with Jaleel instead of him not being here anymore. I still feel his presense though. I do believe that Jaleel is with me while I sleep. Well I'm off to bed.
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