Jaleel would have been one month old today

Posted Date: Jun 18, 2006 3:30 PM

Today is June 18, 2006 a month ago today Jaleel was born @ 8:08 in the morning.  If he was still here he would have been one month old :(  He almost made it to a month.  So today has been hard but I don't have easy days anymore.

Yesterday Allen got me out of the house; he thought I needed to get out for a while.  At first I was sad.  We went to our friend's Melissa & Avis's house and had a cookout.  Her friends Holly (who's due in August) & Robin were there too.  Robin has a 5 year old son & a daughter 7 months old.  It was sad watching her daughter crawling ,smiling ,stand up, wave bye-bye, because it just reminded me of all the things Jaleel will never get to do.  So I went to the car & just thought about him & cried.  Allen came to see if I was okay, but how can I be okay?  It feels like I never will be okay without Jaleel!  But when I was there I couldn't help but feel that Jaleel's supposed to be here with us.  I'm supposed to be holding him, or feeding him, or looking at him.  But Then I was fine.  The girls and I had fun and I even drank and ended up drunk,lol!  I'm such a light weight & the last time I drank was last July, so been awhile,lol!  I did really need to get out for awhile, & we had a good time.  I know I am allowed to be happy and have good times even though he's gone, but I feel bad when I'm happy when Jaleel is gone forever.  Allen & my mom have been bugging on me to eat, but eating wasn't a big priority anymore.  But yesterday I figured eating isn't going to bring him back, so I am eating again. 

The last two nights I haven't cried about Jaleel before I fell asleep, and that makes me feel bad. I feel like I should be, but I still sleep with something of his every night.  It comforts me like although he isn't here & isn't in bed with me at least I have something of his to sleep with so part of him is still with me.  I was talking to my sister the other night and we were talking about Jaleel, and I realized that you don't have to lose a child to understand on some level what I'm going through, you just have to be a mother.  She didn't understand why I don't want to give anyway any of his clothes so explained to her that it's all I have of him as far as physical things go, I might someday but him dying is still so new and fresh, so that's how I feel right now, but I made a box of things I will always keep, like his first outfit, a pamper, stuff like that.

So you all know about Jaleel's thrush and his dr prescribed him oral Nystatin.  I gave it to him twice Monday once a 6pm and one at 10pm before I nursed him, and the next day he was gone.  So I went online reading side effects of Nystatin.  It said:  

Stop taking nystatin and seek emergency medical attention if you experience an allergic reaction (difficulty breathing; closing of your throat; swelling of your lips, tongue, or face; or hives).

Side effects are not likely to occur with nystatin. Continue to take nystatin and talk to your doctor if you experience

                nausea or stomach upset,

                vomiting, 

diarrhea.

Side effects other than those listed here may also occur. Talk to your doctor about any side effect that seems unusual or that is especially bothersome

So I am wondering if maybe he had an allergic reaction and couldn't breathe or throat closed up, it's possible, but we won't know until we get the autopsy back.  But like I said to Allen he was doing fine and then takes Nystatin and when I wake up the next morning he was gone.  Just a thought.  But it's a guessing game right now of how he died.

Today has been really rough for me.  All day I have been thinking about isTuesday morning when I found him, and the way he was the last time I saw him on that Tuesday morning.  Thinking about it makes me feel so sick, But I can't seem to get it off my mind regardless of what I do.

I have been listening to this song by Avril Lavine that explains how I feel right now it's called "Nobody's Home"

I couldn't tell you

Why she felt that way

She felt it everyday

And I couldn't help her

I just watched her make

The same mistakes again

What's wrong, what’s wrong now?

Too many, too many problems

Don't know where she belongs

Where she belongs

Chorus:

She wants to go home

But nobody's home

It's where she lies

Broken inside

With no place to go

No place to go

To dry her eyes

Broken inside

Open your eyes

And look outside

Find the reasons why

You've been rejected, and

Now you can't find

What you've left behind

Be strong, be strong now

Too many, too many problems

Don't know where she belongs

Where she belongs

Chorus

She wants to go home

But nobody's home

That's where she lies

Broken inside

With no place to go

No place to go

To dry her eyes

Broken inside

Her feelings she hides

Her dreams she can't find

She's losing her mind

She's falling behind

She can't find her place

She's losing her faith

She's falling from grace

She's all over the place, yeah

Chorus

She wants to go home

But nobody's home

It's where she lies

Broken inside

With no place to go

No place to go

To dry her eyes

Broken inside

she's lost inside, lost inside

oh oh

she's lost inside, lost inside

oh oh oh

I found a card from my Grandpa's funeral and wanted to share the poem with you.

"I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one, I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when the day is done. I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways of happy times and laughing times, and bright sunny days. I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun, of happy memories that I leave behind when the day is gone."  I know this is what Jaleel would want, but it's hard not to be sad.  It's easy to say remember all the good memories of him, but not easy to do when I am constantly remind of all the memories and milestones he will never have.