Two Mothers, One Journey: Naylen,

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Naylen,

Hey Good Lookin,
It has been a long day. I have had a really rough time. Cried most of the day off an on. Daddy and I went to Wiseman's Peak. He thought if we went there he would see God and then he would see you too. He did. He knew that you were all around us. It really helped him so thank you baby girl.
I stood on the mountain top and felt a warm breeze in the middle of December. I stood there and knew you were there too. I stood on the edge of gorge and imagined myself jumping, knowing that it would bring me to you. Then I came back and we walked down to the Falls. I listened to them roar and just cried and cried. We went there this past July. Two months before you were born. It was hot and we walked forever. I felt so connected to you then. When we went today I felt so far away. I knew that you were with me last time I was there and this time I was going to remember you in a place you had never seen. My memory of you there was me practically crawling back up the mountain trail with my huge stomach in the way. It was a good memory though. Then everything was still ahead of us. You didn't even have a name yet. We called you Bob, short for Baby on Board. I was still nervous that something might be wrong with you. But I knew even then that you would live. It never occured to me that you would die. I thought you might have special needs but I never thought I would be without you. Now five months later, you are gone. I had you and I lost you.
That was so real to me today. All the tears I have been unable to cry came today. But I don't feel soothed by it, I just feel drained and empty. I feel so broken.
Last night I went to the cemetery and I didn't cry. I was solid as a rock. Kinsley cried that she missed you. Two years old and she cried for you, spontaneously. Everybody said she wouldn't remember you. But I know she does and she will. She tells me everyday that you are in Heaven with Jesus. She also knew today on the mountain that we were there for you. She said that you were there. Maybe she just picks up on us but I believe that she really does know what has happened and is mourning it.
I miss you baby girl. I heard the song, All I Want For Christmas Is You. We all cried when we heard it. I don't know to celebrate this year. You never even had a Christmas. You will never sit in Santa's lap. You will not have that early morning joy and excitement. We will never sit out cookies with you or attend church. I never even took you in a church. That day I picked up your sisters from the Halloween carnival I just ran in and left you in the car for a minute.
I feel like I made so many mistakes with you. Like I didn't do what I should have. I lost you. I wish I could at least say to myself that I was a great Mom but instead I feel like I failed you. In every way. I couldn't even protect you.
I just miss you so much. I love you and...........well I guess there is nothing more to say than that. Please know baby what you mean to me. Please know how sorry I am. Please baby know how loved you are and very much we miss you.
I will meet you there Naylen. I will hold you in my arms again.

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About Jennell

My name is Jennell. I am a chronically ADD mother of four, long term shacking up with the man of my dreams (really ten years in and I still love the way he smells), have some furbabies and four babies of my own. My oldest daughter Kirsten is 13 (going on twenty one!). Kinsley is my second daughter and the sweetest 6 year old ever! Teague is my three year old son. I also have a daughter, Naylen, who would be five years old now. We lost her to SIDS in 2006.
I am not the kind of person who can find the tape and the last pair of scissors I located I tripped over. I have never made it home from the grocery without the bread getting squished. I love to make lists I never complete, chalkboard paint addict, future Country Living feature (I live in a decrepit old, drafty house that I am s...l...o...w...l...y... remodeling, big fan of run on sentences and fragments, have poor punctuation and am pretty repetitive, left handed, live in the South and hate sweet tea (yes I am a traitor), and when I follow politics I am a liberal Democrat with enough parental sense to wish I was a Republican.
I am starting school to pursue my nursing degree. I hope to use my career platform to share safe sleep strategies more successfully. I currently run a small non-profit called Naylen's Hope. We offer baby beds for families in need of one and safe sleep seminars for interested groups.

About Stacey

My name is Stacey and I live in Maine with my wonderful husband Jason, for three years. I have three children Michaela who is a hormonal 13 year old and my son Nick who is a mathematical wizard. I also have another baby Jaleel who was born May 18, 2006 and tragically died June 13, 2006 at 26 days old due to a bed sharing accident.

It has been over five years since my son died and now I educate people on safe sleep and in Jan I will be going to school to work towards my MSW (Masters in social work). I love educating the public on safe sleep and want to do it as my career.

Two Journeys...A Common Path

This is two stories really. Two different women from different places, in different life situations who ended up living through the same nightmare of child loss. This is a compilation of the private journal writings from two different women as they struggled through the loss of their infant children. Naylen and Jaleel were both born and died in 2006. Almost immediately we, Jennell and Stacey, began writing, chronicling our grief journey. We didn't know each other when we lost our children. We met later, crossing paths because of our shared loss. We have both decided to share our private writings in hopes that other people grieving can see that some aspects of grief are universal. Perhaps you can identify with something from our journeys. There is comfort in community and with grief there is nothing off limits, no uncharted territory, and anything goes.