Baby Nay,
Another day without you. I have been surrounded by people who love me and you. I have a new appreciation for them all. It has helped make this void in my life not so harsh. But no matter what all the talking in the world cannot fix this for me. I try everyday to remember positive things. It is a work in progress for me baby. I lie down at night and cradle your blankets just to smell you.
I mourn the fact that my body has given up on you even though my heart hasn't. I put your clothes away in your special trunk yesterday. I didn't even cry. It is almost like I am all cried out. I want to cry and scream but it just doesn't come. I feel so broken.
It occured to me yesterday while I was feeling guilty yet again for being able to function that no matter how old you are you would not want me to cease functioning to mourn you. I know this but I cannot stop the guilt. Life just goes right on without you and that seems so unfair. It minimizes your impact. It makes what you are to me seem smaller. But what you are to me is not small.
I think back on being pregnant with you and I remember worrying that having another baby so soon wasn't a good idea. I remember worrying that something would be wrong with you and knowing that that wouldn't matter. Then I think back on the morning you were born. I remember it like I just did it this morning. I was so scared. I didn't get sick with you like I did the other girls. And then you came so quickly and looked so big. I remember being awash with pure joy. Amazed at your perfection. Those lips, those eyes. Your skin was so clear and pretty. And just that tiny little hair fuzz. Your were hairy all over. My peach.
Hey Good Lookin what ya got cookin? I would push your nose and call it your happy button. Or that whole side to side head movement when I touched your face, determination to find a nipple.
We went to Walmart and picked up every pacifier they had to find one you liked. And you liked the same kind Kinsley had. The same kind I had.
You were so warm and heavy in my arms. You loved the baby sling. And the bath. My first bath baby. It took me three babies to figure out lukewarm water is unacceptable for little ones. You loved the car. You loved everyone. The swing. You would stay there for hours. I let you cry more than I had the other two. I knew it wouldnt hurt you. I wish I hadn't. I wish every whimper had sent me running.
I wish I had never put you down. Not once. We were at shop that day and I ran out of diapers and put on of Kinsley's size 5's on you. You were all swallowed up. It was a like a bodysuit.
You loved for Daddy hold you like a football. You wanted us to beat on you all time. No light burping for Naylen. We had to work it out of you.
And the colic. Two hours a night. Constant screaming. I would get so annoyed. So frustrated. Your Dad and I would pass you back and forth. I wish I could hear you cry again. I wouldn't pass you off this time.
You took that bottle right away. I was so hurt that I was so easily replaceable to you. Kinsley and Kirsten resisted the bottle. They only wanted to nurse. You didn't care, food was fod. I took it as a rejection which is so silly. I actually said out loud once that you and I hadn't bonded like I had with your sisters. I recanted it that week before you left me. I am so grateful I knew better.
You were so easy going. Kinsley loved to hold you. "Me hold Baby Nay". I went to the bathroom that time and came back in and she was holding you not sitting down. I was so worried and amused at the same time.
I forgot you in the car at home that day. I was so busy with Kirsen I left you in the car for those few minutes. I came back and you were mad. I can't believe I forgot you. When I got you out you quit crying immediately and fell asleep. Just because I was there.
You were so cute at the greenhouse. That day I cut the tile and some of the water splashed on your seat. There were little orange spots all over your beautiful seat. I washed it. Two days later your diaper exploded and left a little poo spot on the seat. I didn't get it washed yet. Then you died and I was so relieved I hadn't washed it. I was so relieved that it still smelled like you and not pricey fabric softener Daddy likes so much.
We just bought that bedroom suit while I was pregnant with you. We justified spending too much on it by saying that this was the bed our babies would sleep in. We would create our family there. At night we would lie down in it and marvel over the mattress. I could put you in the bed and you would nestle sort of down into it and go to sleep right away. Anywhere else you wanted to lie on me but in the bed you wanted to lie on the mattress. We joked about how you were a girl who liked luxury. You needed down to be comfortable.
You died in that bed. The bed that was supposed to be where we all came back together. You died there.
I walk in the room at see it. I see you there, still and gray. I can't sleep there. I am drawn to look at it. I thought about giving it away but I don't want anyone else sleeping there either. Kirsten wanted to sleep there when she had Sam over but I told them no. I don't want to put another child of mine in that bed. What do I do with this new white elephant in the room? I keep telling myself what a waste of money it would be to get rid of it. I am still paying for it. And then I tell myself that maybe one day the two months of your life will outweigh that one moment. Maybe I will not see you there dead everytime. Maybe I will see you cooing and nuzzling instead. Maybe I will remember the joy of that bed with you. And when we move maybe it will be like taking you with me. I mean the bassinet and swing are gone. That was your bed so maybe it will bring you to our new home also.
And yet I cannot imagine lying in that bed with Kinsley or loving your father in that bed. The place where you ended. Where life stopped for you. I know this is not something I need to deal with today but it is always present in my mind. Since the place you lived is also the place you died how do I remember it? Which is more important?
I guess it really boils down to was your life more important that your death? And can I live with either answer?
I am still in disbelief that this happened. To me, to you, to us. How did this happen? This gave me God but wasn't there another way? Was I so closeminded that my child had to be my personal sacrificial lamb? Couldn't I have become the person I was meant to be without you dying? If not what does that say about me?
You are my child. I created you. I grew you inside of me. I nursed you and held you and loved you. I don't know how to end that. I don't know how to have an angel when I should have a baby. I would rather have you. Is that selfish? If Heaven is truly what they say then you are better off, free from all of these earthly constrictions. So is it fair of me to want you here instead? I need you here. I want you here. I want you back in my arms with your baby smell and stinky diapers. I want to dress you in frilly little outfits and Old Navy clothes. I want to show you off and gloat about how smart and strong you are. I want to marvel in every burp and be amazed by each basic function. I want to hear your first word and know that you mush be the smartest baby in the world to say it.
I want you back. I can't have that though so now what? I show off albums instead to people who don't know what to say to me? I talk about how beautiful you were? I speak your name into awkward silences forever? The joy your name should have caused now cause discomfort. People are so scared to hurt us and also face the mortality of it. After all we are living breathing proof that children die. That good parents lose their babies. We are living proof that it coudl happen to them. They are scared, they back away from the knowledge of you because of it. It feels like rejection. It feels like they are dismissing you.
You Naylen, my beautiful baby girl. My complete family. My angel now.
We get to live the rest of our lives always coming back to this blanket of sorrow. Nothing will ever fix it. Nothing will make this right. Nothing will justify the life lost and the experiences we should have had together gone. Can people really spend their entire lives with a broken heart?
Love me Naylen, even from above. Don't forget me. Watch over us. See us grow and know that you are growing with us. See our faults and know that we are human. See our strengths and know that we made you. Know that this is where you came from. And know that we are honored to have created you and held you and love you.
You will always be my child. Thirdborn. Forever my baby now. You will always be my angel. I will look to the sky and see you. I will feel you around. I will know that this love I have for you cannot be conquered by so small a thing as death. That it transcends that. You know that too. That death doesn't end what I feel for you. It is a part of me. You are a part of me.
I will meet you there baby girl.
Love, Mommy
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