I have been thinking a lot since I found out my baby boy died yesterday. They said he died around 2am. I remember when I found Jaleel I noticed this light pink fluid on the sheet, and they told me today that in most cases when they see that it's usually SIDS. So that made me feel better. I know this is so sad & horrible but I would have some peace of mind if it was SIDS, because then I'd know that I didn't cause his death. And I know if it was SIDS that even if I had been awake I probably couldn't have saved him. I wish I knew it was my last night with him. I would have held him all night long, and cherished every little thing about him. Look at those big beautiful eyes I loved so much. I love when he looked up at me with those pretty eyes. I use to love when I nursed him he would sometimes grin twice in a row, and I would take him off my breast so I could see him grin but he wouldn't do it. I just loved holding him in my arms and I would give anything just to hold him one more time, or caress his head. I loved kissing his cheeks, and talking to him. He was smiling a lot lately maybe they weren't real smiles, but I loved and cherished those smiles. I wish I would have stayed up all night watching over him to make sure he was okay. I think that when I found him & called 911 why didn't I do CPR right away, I mean I am CPR certified, but I think I was just trying to save my baby. I am really level-headed in emergency situations, but lose it when it comes to my kids. When the paramedics said he was dead why didn't I tell them to keep trying? Maybe because I was in shock, maybe because I knew it was too late to save him. Maybe I could have saved him but I didn't get that chance. I think my poor baby who was struggling to live all by himself. His Mommy was right there but didn't help him. I think if he died around 2am he was lying dead in that bed for like 7 hours. My poor baby!!! Why did this have to happen to him and us? Why did I go through the whole pregnancy, labor, & have him just to lose him just shy of him being 4 weeks old. I am glad I had those 3 weeks & 5 days. I am so happy I got to know him, but it’s just not fair!!! He's supposed to be here sleeping or me nursing him. He's supposed to make me upset because I just want a break and he won't give me one. All of my BC friends who had their babies around the same time I did they babies are healthy & alive so why can't Jaleel still be alive? What did I do for this to happen? Why did he have to leave us so soon. I think of how he never had his 1st smile, rolled over for the first time, he never had the chance to get into trouble & have his mommy yell at him as silly as that sounds. He never got a chance to see what a wonderful world this world can be. It's so sad when a baby dies so young never experiencing life. I wish when he upset me and I got mad, I wish I could take that back. He was just a helpless baby he so didn't deserve this. He was supposed to outlive me and his daddy. He was supposed to get to do all the things all of us have had the chance and opportunity to do. Why did this have to happen to my poor, innocent, precious, little baby boy?
Allen seemed fine today! How can he be fine why am I crying my eyes out? How can he be sleeping? I know I shouldn't feel this way, and I know he loves and misses his baby, but why does he seem so okay with it all today????
I have his hat next to me it smells like him. I love holding it & smelling him and being reminded of him. I know that's crazy but it's all I have left, I don't ever want to wash it, because then it won't smell like him. I didn't sleep well last night. Every time I closed my eyes I could see him the very last time I saw him and I don't want to see that or think of him like that. I finally fell asleep when I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, and I had to sleep on my back which totally sucked, because every time I rolled onto my side my boobs hurt from being so engorged.
I am exhausted between crying & not sleeping well, but I guess it doesn't compare to what happened to Jaleel. I keep thinking I'm such a baby, stop complaining at least I’m alive. But I would change his place in a heartbeat just for him to be here, I know it means I wouldn't be here but I've lived for almost 25 years why can't he have that chance too? Doesn't he deserve that? I haven't eaten since Sunday night, but right now I just can't eat, I don't have the strength. Jaleel I will always love you and you will never been forgotten!!! I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Jaleel!
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