Naylen. I love that name. I spent forever trying to come up with the perfect name. Even before I was pregnant. Trent and I just tossed around all different ones. Our two oldest daughters both had names that start with K. We didn't want a theme so we knew it had to be different. We knew we were having a girl. Trent has this uncanny to call it right off the bat, although honestly I wasn't as confident then in his predictions. I stumbled across Naylen in one of those book of babies names. I had never seen it before or any other book since. It means "Fulfilled Wish".
And Naylen was definitely a wish fulfilled. My oldest daughter was eight, my next daughter had just turned one when we found out we were pregnant. We planned our pregnancy. I had quit nursing and we were even tracking ovulation. When we got confirmation it was just like all our plans had fallen into place.
While I was pregnant we found out that the umbilical cord was malformed. There were several different birth defects that can cause that so we spent the pregnancy classified as high risk. We were closely monitored and enjoyed frequent ultrasounds. We knew that happened our daughter would be okay. We were mentally preparing ourselves for the "worst" but it never occurred to us that we might lose her.
When she was born we were grateful to find that she was absolutely perfect. And she was. Her birth was the easiest of all my babies. She was quick to arrive and while only seven lbs. three oz. she was well proportioned and healthy. I thought she looked fat!
Our life was insanity at the time Naylen was born. I was a full time college student taking online courses. I worked full time as an office manager and actually took the girls to work with me after taking my oldest to school. Trent worked two jobs and his primary was on second shift. Our oldest daughter was in dance, soccer, everything extracurricular you could imagine. We were constantly on the road. Naylen was our first car baby. She loved the car and rarely cried. Since my older girls had HATED the car we were thrilled. She was easygoing in everything. She loved the girls, loved her Dad and I. She took right to nursing and was only fussy at night for a couple hours. We called them the "witching hours". Trent would get home from work right as she was winding down. I would be exhausted and hand him to her saying "Take your baby". He would pace the floor holding like her a football and she would be fine.
I breastfed and we were huge advocates of attachment parenting. I had a baby sling and we co-slept. Our toddler slept in our room in her own toddler bed. Usually she crawled in bed with us in the middle of the night. We had practiced bed sharing with both our girls and loved the convenience of nursing at night. We had a crib with our older girls but never used them so when Naylen was born we opted not to get one. We did get a bassinet for downstairs.
Because she was our third daughter we were much more relaxed with her. We were confident in our parenting and sure that we always made the right decision for our babies.
This is the story of how we lost Nay. How our lives were forever changed in one moment:
This is the day I have most dreaded writing about. As though somehow writing it out in detail will make it harder to relive but I know that I relive it every day in my mind. I constantly think back to see if I missed a sign. If there was something I should have done different. Did I make the most of it? The truth is I don't know. It was just like any day. Busy and hectic.
It was Saturday. I had decided to take Kirsten to Build A Bear for her birthday. Kinsley also, her birthday was the day before. Kirsten took a friend, Angela. A sweet little girl who has always spent a lot of time at our house. We got up that morning and it was a little late. The first thing we did was go to Chin Song in Asheboro and eat. Chicken fried rice and egg rolls all around. It was a nice lunch and then we all headed to Greensboro. Trent was not with us, He was fourwheeling that day. I had thought I might meet up with Jamie or Nicole but it was okay that I didn't. It was our first trip to Build A Bear so the girls were very excited. We got to the mall. Nay cried a bit on the way. I used to say in the car "somebody plug that baby". Kirsten would always jump up and give her her passy. I am sure I said that that day several times. Once we got to the mall we went straight to Build A Bear. We had to ride the elevator and the stroller was too big to fit in it so I had to break it down to get in the door. Kinsley was a handful that day. Very excited at the mall. Kirsten and Angela were a big hit.
Once we got to Build A Bear the line was so long. The girls picked their bears at the entrance in the line. Nay woke up then mad and I had to hold her. So the stroller became a liability in the store.
I remember that I was sort of frustrated. I knew Kirsten and Angela would be fine but Kinsley needed help and I had my hands full. I didn't want Kirsten to have to help her since this was also her day and she should not have to share it being a babysitter. I parked the stroller in a corner and just tried to follow Kinsley around. We did okay. Nay was okay as long as I was holding her. The girls picked up all kinds of bear accesories. I couldn't properly supervise the situation so I was a little put out at the register. We reached the point where you make birth certificates for you bears. I truly did not have enough hands for that. There was this lady in line behind me who offered to hold Nay. I was hesitant. After all she was stranger. But I let her because I really had no choice. Nay liked her and smiled the whole time. I did not make Nay a bear. I said we would wait until she was older.
When we left the store I went right out to the couches outside the store to feed Nay. A grandmother was sitting there with her grandbaby who was little but older than Nay. We talked about nursing and the store and everyday stuff. Nay quieted right down. We bought some cookies and braved the elevator again. The girls wanted to shop but I was ready ready to go. We stopped outside where I called Trent. He was supposed to meet us on 311 because we also had plans that night with friends to go bowling and eat.
Nay was fussy in the car but she finally fell asleep. We picked up Trent and went to meet them at Cici's Pizza. It was super crowded. We all ate and I held Nay sort of sitting her on the table. She was giggly and I remember kissing her and smelling her head. Trent held her too while we mock argued about feeding her icing. We left the restaraunt and went to the Bowling Alley. Nay was great. The girls had fun. Everyone held her. Marinda played with her feet. We talked about all kinds of things that night, including co-sleeping. We were big advocates of it. It was a late night. We bowled a lot. Two games I think with nine people. When we left there it was raining. Just a little. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts. It was the first time Trent and I had been there. We ate all sorts of different donuts and Nay just slept in her seat. They closed the store around us. We finally left and headed home. It was raining really bad. I dropped Trent off at his car on 311. It was pouring. I was so grateful that kids were wiped out and Nay was asleep because I get nervous driving in that kind of rain. Once we got home all the girls went to bed. Nay was in the swing peacefully asleep. Trent and I went online to look at the Black Friday sales and we just sat up and talked. It was around one when we went to bed. It was a wholely normal day. Unspectatculor just normal. I washed my face while Trent carried Nay upstairs. He changed her downstairs and she never woke up. When I came in the bedroom Nay was at the top of the bed beside his head. He was sitting up sort of kissing her and singing to her. She was peacefully sleeping. I remember being relieved that she didn't wake up because I didn't want to feed her again. I was tired. I fell right to sleep and just left Nay where she was. I don't even remember going to sleep just laying down.
The next thing I remember is waking up. It was daylight. Before I even raised my head from the pillow I knew something was wrong. It was so quiet. Nay had not woken up to eat. I jumped up backwards still on the bed. Kinsley had crawled in the bed with us. Nay was silent. Still. She was gray and I could tell she wasn't breathing. I touched her. Just quickly, scared to touch her and she was cold. Stiff, not really stiff just not normal. I remember screaming to Trent to wake up. Wake up. He jumped up and I was still yelling. I saw a spot of what looked like blood but it was dry. He was yelling "what do we do, oh my god what do we do" I kept saying I don't know, He touched her and she was so still. Kinsley was awake at the top of the bed sitting on my pillow. I grabbed the phone. It was charged. That phone is never charged. But it was and I called 911. I don't remember exactly what I said. The operator told us to do CPR. I couldn't touch her. I couldn't do it. Trent did. He stood there on the side of our bed and tried to breathe life into Naylen. I kept saying it is too late to the operator but she told us to keep trying. We saw the ambulance come up through the window. Kirsten was in the hallway with Angela crying. I told her to get out of my room. Trent ran downstairs and let them in. They rushed in and grabbed Nay so quickly. They acted like they could save her. I saw her pacifier on the bed. I grabbed it. They wouldnt let me in the ambulance. I couldn't see what they were doing. They said to meet them at the hospital. I ran in and threw on clothes. I grabbed Kinsley and we all jumped in the car. The police were at our house but we just left them there. Trent dropped me off at the door of the hospital. I ran into the the ER they said they were working on her in the back. They wouldn't let me back there. They took me to a room. Not a regular room, like a private lounge. Trent came in and brought the girls. They would not tell us anything. Part of me knew but part of me really believed that they could save her. That maybe she would just be have brain damage. They asked if we wanted to call someone. I didn't know who to call. Then I realized that Jamie would have everyones number. So I called her cell but she didn't answer. I called back I think. I told her to come to the hospital something was wrong with My Nay. She told me later that is what I said.
A doctor came in. He said "A terrible thing has happened." Then he stopped. I cried. I don't remember what I did or said. The the doctor started talking again. Like he quit in mid sentence and then picked right back up a minute later "A child had died"
I don't remember what we said or did but I wanted to see her. They took me out of the room and Trent too I think. They led us to this room. Nay was on the bed. She looked so tiny. She was wrapped in a big hospital blanket. A white one. Swaddled. They let me pick her up. I sat down with her. She had tubes in her nose and mouth. She looked so still. She felt the same. To hold her I mean. I rocked her and rocked her. Jamie came at some point. The nurses came in and asked who to call. I told Jamie to call everyone. I think the nurses called Mom. I don't know. People started showing up. My Mom, my sister, Trent's family. Everyone was crying. Joe cried. I had never seen him cry. Kirby cried. Kinsley was in that room still. Annette tended to her. Angela's parents were not home and nobody could find them. I think Jamie finally took her home. I don't know. Kirsten went to her Dad's. I don't remember seeing her again at the hospital. Trent held Nay for a minute I think. I squeezed her too hard. I held her so close hoping to squeeze life back into her. I could not put her down. She exhaled a few times. I thought she was okay for a minute. She even passed gas. I just kept rocking her. Some woman came with a camera and a box. A little purple paper box. She took Nay's footprints while I held her. I didn't want picture of Nay like that. I told her to take the camera away. She left it though. I remember being bothered that she left it. THey put Nay's onesie in that box. That paper box.
I kept holding her. I knew I couldn't leave if someone didn't make me. I didn't know where I would go when I did leave. Where do you go when your baby dies. My Mom and Trent told me I had to leave her there. That it was time to go. Trent cried and cried. He vomited. The nurse took her from me. She pulled her out of my arms. I went out of the room and she was already gone. I wanted to see where they were taking her. If they were going to put her in a drawer somewhere. They wouldn't let me take the tubes out. I almost fell walking down the hall. I wanted to know which way they took her. We went to the car. I don't know where the kids were. I think we drove home. I don't remember. I know we were in our car. We went home and everyone was there. Trent's grandma. I called Kirsten, I wanted her to come home. People kept showing up. People who worked with Trent, Family, everyone. Jimmy and Melissa brought Kirsten. They came in. They never come in. Misty went and developed the pictures from the night before. We asked my Mom to call the funeral home. Gloria came. I think people were leaving then, I don't remember. She asked us some questions and set up an appt for the next day. She said we could see Nay as soon as they brought her back from the autopsy. I don't remember most of that day. I don't remember where the day went. I know it was eight thirty when I woke up. I don't know how long we were at the hospital. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know where Kirsten went that night. She didn't come with us. We couldn't stay at the house. We went to get all the pictures of Nay developed. It was surreal walking around that night. We stopped at the Waffle House waiting for a photo lab to open. We couldn't eat. We just sat there. Looking at everyone laugh and smile as though the world had not just ended. I wanted to stand up and scream Don't you know what happened today.
We went to Annettes I think to sleep. I don't remember if we slept. I don't remember what we did. I think we also went and talked to Trent's pastor. For the next week I only remember snippets. We planned a funeral. We went to a funeral. We buried our baby.
November 12th. Two days after Kinsley's birthday. Two days before Kirsten's. Naylen died during our week of celebration. I woke up and Naylen was gone. I didn't kiss her goodnight. I didn't whisper in her ear that I loved her. I took for granted that there would always be tomorrow for that. I have this sign that goes in the bedroom. It is one of those pretty plaque like signs you see hanging. It says "Always kiss me goodnight". I didn't.
That morning, those first moments are burned into my mind. I see them whenever I close my eyes. I see her gray and still lying that bed. That bed that was supposed to be so much more than that. I still cannot pinpoint the moment it went wrong. I cannot tell you what made her die that day. We did nothing different. Not significantly.
I can say that I cannot remember ever for over two years now falling instantly to sleep until that night. I cannot remember when Kinsley got in our bed that night. I always knew when she got in our bed. Sometimes I think it was supposed to be that way. We were supposed to be asleep and not see when death stole our baby. But if feels like the cruelest joke ever to know that we laid in that bed asleep while our baby died in between us. That we laid there beside her body just sleeping.
And Naylen was definitely a wish fulfilled. My oldest daughter was eight, my next daughter had just turned one when we found out we were pregnant. We planned our pregnancy. I had quit nursing and we were even tracking ovulation. When we got confirmation it was just like all our plans had fallen into place.
While I was pregnant we found out that the umbilical cord was malformed. There were several different birth defects that can cause that so we spent the pregnancy classified as high risk. We were closely monitored and enjoyed frequent ultrasounds. We knew that happened our daughter would be okay. We were mentally preparing ourselves for the "worst" but it never occurred to us that we might lose her.
When she was born we were grateful to find that she was absolutely perfect. And she was. Her birth was the easiest of all my babies. She was quick to arrive and while only seven lbs. three oz. she was well proportioned and healthy. I thought she looked fat!
Our life was insanity at the time Naylen was born. I was a full time college student taking online courses. I worked full time as an office manager and actually took the girls to work with me after taking my oldest to school. Trent worked two jobs and his primary was on second shift. Our oldest daughter was in dance, soccer, everything extracurricular you could imagine. We were constantly on the road. Naylen was our first car baby. She loved the car and rarely cried. Since my older girls had HATED the car we were thrilled. She was easygoing in everything. She loved the girls, loved her Dad and I. She took right to nursing and was only fussy at night for a couple hours. We called them the "witching hours". Trent would get home from work right as she was winding down. I would be exhausted and hand him to her saying "Take your baby". He would pace the floor holding like her a football and she would be fine.
I breastfed and we were huge advocates of attachment parenting. I had a baby sling and we co-slept. Our toddler slept in our room in her own toddler bed. Usually she crawled in bed with us in the middle of the night. We had practiced bed sharing with both our girls and loved the convenience of nursing at night. We had a crib with our older girls but never used them so when Naylen was born we opted not to get one. We did get a bassinet for downstairs.
Because she was our third daughter we were much more relaxed with her. We were confident in our parenting and sure that we always made the right decision for our babies.
This is the story of how we lost Nay. How our lives were forever changed in one moment:
This is the day I have most dreaded writing about. As though somehow writing it out in detail will make it harder to relive but I know that I relive it every day in my mind. I constantly think back to see if I missed a sign. If there was something I should have done different. Did I make the most of it? The truth is I don't know. It was just like any day. Busy and hectic.
It was Saturday. I had decided to take Kirsten to Build A Bear for her birthday. Kinsley also, her birthday was the day before. Kirsten took a friend, Angela. A sweet little girl who has always spent a lot of time at our house. We got up that morning and it was a little late. The first thing we did was go to Chin Song in Asheboro and eat. Chicken fried rice and egg rolls all around. It was a nice lunch and then we all headed to Greensboro. Trent was not with us, He was fourwheeling that day. I had thought I might meet up with Jamie or Nicole but it was okay that I didn't. It was our first trip to Build A Bear so the girls were very excited. We got to the mall. Nay cried a bit on the way. I used to say in the car "somebody plug that baby". Kirsten would always jump up and give her her passy. I am sure I said that that day several times. Once we got to the mall we went straight to Build A Bear. We had to ride the elevator and the stroller was too big to fit in it so I had to break it down to get in the door. Kinsley was a handful that day. Very excited at the mall. Kirsten and Angela were a big hit.
Once we got to Build A Bear the line was so long. The girls picked their bears at the entrance in the line. Nay woke up then mad and I had to hold her. So the stroller became a liability in the store.
I remember that I was sort of frustrated. I knew Kirsten and Angela would be fine but Kinsley needed help and I had my hands full. I didn't want Kirsten to have to help her since this was also her day and she should not have to share it being a babysitter. I parked the stroller in a corner and just tried to follow Kinsley around. We did okay. Nay was okay as long as I was holding her. The girls picked up all kinds of bear accesories. I couldn't properly supervise the situation so I was a little put out at the register. We reached the point where you make birth certificates for you bears. I truly did not have enough hands for that. There was this lady in line behind me who offered to hold Nay. I was hesitant. After all she was stranger. But I let her because I really had no choice. Nay liked her and smiled the whole time. I did not make Nay a bear. I said we would wait until she was older.
When we left the store I went right out to the couches outside the store to feed Nay. A grandmother was sitting there with her grandbaby who was little but older than Nay. We talked about nursing and the store and everyday stuff. Nay quieted right down. We bought some cookies and braved the elevator again. The girls wanted to shop but I was ready ready to go. We stopped outside where I called Trent. He was supposed to meet us on 311 because we also had plans that night with friends to go bowling and eat.
Nay was fussy in the car but she finally fell asleep. We picked up Trent and went to meet them at Cici's Pizza. It was super crowded. We all ate and I held Nay sort of sitting her on the table. She was giggly and I remember kissing her and smelling her head. Trent held her too while we mock argued about feeding her icing. We left the restaraunt and went to the Bowling Alley. Nay was great. The girls had fun. Everyone held her. Marinda played with her feet. We talked about all kinds of things that night, including co-sleeping. We were big advocates of it. It was a late night. We bowled a lot. Two games I think with nine people. When we left there it was raining. Just a little. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts. It was the first time Trent and I had been there. We ate all sorts of different donuts and Nay just slept in her seat. They closed the store around us. We finally left and headed home. It was raining really bad. I dropped Trent off at his car on 311. It was pouring. I was so grateful that kids were wiped out and Nay was asleep because I get nervous driving in that kind of rain. Once we got home all the girls went to bed. Nay was in the swing peacefully asleep. Trent and I went online to look at the Black Friday sales and we just sat up and talked. It was around one when we went to bed. It was a wholely normal day. Unspectatculor just normal. I washed my face while Trent carried Nay upstairs. He changed her downstairs and she never woke up. When I came in the bedroom Nay was at the top of the bed beside his head. He was sitting up sort of kissing her and singing to her. She was peacefully sleeping. I remember being relieved that she didn't wake up because I didn't want to feed her again. I was tired. I fell right to sleep and just left Nay where she was. I don't even remember going to sleep just laying down.
The next thing I remember is waking up. It was daylight. Before I even raised my head from the pillow I knew something was wrong. It was so quiet. Nay had not woken up to eat. I jumped up backwards still on the bed. Kinsley had crawled in the bed with us. Nay was silent. Still. She was gray and I could tell she wasn't breathing. I touched her. Just quickly, scared to touch her and she was cold. Stiff, not really stiff just not normal. I remember screaming to Trent to wake up. Wake up. He jumped up and I was still yelling. I saw a spot of what looked like blood but it was dry. He was yelling "what do we do, oh my god what do we do" I kept saying I don't know, He touched her and she was so still. Kinsley was awake at the top of the bed sitting on my pillow. I grabbed the phone. It was charged. That phone is never charged. But it was and I called 911. I don't remember exactly what I said. The operator told us to do CPR. I couldn't touch her. I couldn't do it. Trent did. He stood there on the side of our bed and tried to breathe life into Naylen. I kept saying it is too late to the operator but she told us to keep trying. We saw the ambulance come up through the window. Kirsten was in the hallway with Angela crying. I told her to get out of my room. Trent ran downstairs and let them in. They rushed in and grabbed Nay so quickly. They acted like they could save her. I saw her pacifier on the bed. I grabbed it. They wouldnt let me in the ambulance. I couldn't see what they were doing. They said to meet them at the hospital. I ran in and threw on clothes. I grabbed Kinsley and we all jumped in the car. The police were at our house but we just left them there. Trent dropped me off at the door of the hospital. I ran into the the ER they said they were working on her in the back. They wouldn't let me back there. They took me to a room. Not a regular room, like a private lounge. Trent came in and brought the girls. They would not tell us anything. Part of me knew but part of me really believed that they could save her. That maybe she would just be have brain damage. They asked if we wanted to call someone. I didn't know who to call. Then I realized that Jamie would have everyones number. So I called her cell but she didn't answer. I called back I think. I told her to come to the hospital something was wrong with My Nay. She told me later that is what I said.
A doctor came in. He said "A terrible thing has happened." Then he stopped. I cried. I don't remember what I did or said. The the doctor started talking again. Like he quit in mid sentence and then picked right back up a minute later "A child had died"
I don't remember what we said or did but I wanted to see her. They took me out of the room and Trent too I think. They led us to this room. Nay was on the bed. She looked so tiny. She was wrapped in a big hospital blanket. A white one. Swaddled. They let me pick her up. I sat down with her. She had tubes in her nose and mouth. She looked so still. She felt the same. To hold her I mean. I rocked her and rocked her. Jamie came at some point. The nurses came in and asked who to call. I told Jamie to call everyone. I think the nurses called Mom. I don't know. People started showing up. My Mom, my sister, Trent's family. Everyone was crying. Joe cried. I had never seen him cry. Kirby cried. Kinsley was in that room still. Annette tended to her. Angela's parents were not home and nobody could find them. I think Jamie finally took her home. I don't know. Kirsten went to her Dad's. I don't remember seeing her again at the hospital. Trent held Nay for a minute I think. I squeezed her too hard. I held her so close hoping to squeeze life back into her. I could not put her down. She exhaled a few times. I thought she was okay for a minute. She even passed gas. I just kept rocking her. Some woman came with a camera and a box. A little purple paper box. She took Nay's footprints while I held her. I didn't want picture of Nay like that. I told her to take the camera away. She left it though. I remember being bothered that she left it. THey put Nay's onesie in that box. That paper box.
I kept holding her. I knew I couldn't leave if someone didn't make me. I didn't know where I would go when I did leave. Where do you go when your baby dies. My Mom and Trent told me I had to leave her there. That it was time to go. Trent cried and cried. He vomited. The nurse took her from me. She pulled her out of my arms. I went out of the room and she was already gone. I wanted to see where they were taking her. If they were going to put her in a drawer somewhere. They wouldn't let me take the tubes out. I almost fell walking down the hall. I wanted to know which way they took her. We went to the car. I don't know where the kids were. I think we drove home. I don't remember. I know we were in our car. We went home and everyone was there. Trent's grandma. I called Kirsten, I wanted her to come home. People kept showing up. People who worked with Trent, Family, everyone. Jimmy and Melissa brought Kirsten. They came in. They never come in. Misty went and developed the pictures from the night before. We asked my Mom to call the funeral home. Gloria came. I think people were leaving then, I don't remember. She asked us some questions and set up an appt for the next day. She said we could see Nay as soon as they brought her back from the autopsy. I don't remember most of that day. I don't remember where the day went. I know it was eight thirty when I woke up. I don't know how long we were at the hospital. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know where Kirsten went that night. She didn't come with us. We couldn't stay at the house. We went to get all the pictures of Nay developed. It was surreal walking around that night. We stopped at the Waffle House waiting for a photo lab to open. We couldn't eat. We just sat there. Looking at everyone laugh and smile as though the world had not just ended. I wanted to stand up and scream Don't you know what happened today.
We went to Annettes I think to sleep. I don't remember if we slept. I don't remember what we did. I think we also went and talked to Trent's pastor. For the next week I only remember snippets. We planned a funeral. We went to a funeral. We buried our baby.
November 12th. Two days after Kinsley's birthday. Two days before Kirsten's. Naylen died during our week of celebration. I woke up and Naylen was gone. I didn't kiss her goodnight. I didn't whisper in her ear that I loved her. I took for granted that there would always be tomorrow for that. I have this sign that goes in the bedroom. It is one of those pretty plaque like signs you see hanging. It says "Always kiss me goodnight". I didn't.
That morning, those first moments are burned into my mind. I see them whenever I close my eyes. I see her gray and still lying that bed. That bed that was supposed to be so much more than that. I still cannot pinpoint the moment it went wrong. I cannot tell you what made her die that day. We did nothing different. Not significantly.
I can say that I cannot remember ever for over two years now falling instantly to sleep until that night. I cannot remember when Kinsley got in our bed that night. I always knew when she got in our bed. Sometimes I think it was supposed to be that way. We were supposed to be asleep and not see when death stole our baby. But if feels like the cruelest joke ever to know that we laid in that bed asleep while our baby died in between us. That we laid there beside her body just sleeping.
No comments:
Post a Comment