Naylen

For the first couple weeks after Naylen died I was just on autopilot. I didn't really start to write until people stopped coming over. For us that took about three weeks give or take. I found myself alone with my grief. Trent was back at work on Second and Third shift part time. The kids were at Grandma's alot and when they were home I was pretty self involved. This bad attempt at poetry was one of my first written expressions during that time.

I woke up this morning without you again.
My eyes opened and the knowledge washed back over me,
Dreadfully real and knowing.
I got up anyway
Got the girls ready and started the day
All the while knowing
I came to work,
Pretending along,
Ate breakfast and lunch,
Even knowing you’re gone.
I picked up Big Sister
And gave Kinsley a nap.
I ran some errands,
And kept right on
All the while knowing you’re gone
I stopped several times to savor your face,
The picture on my desk,
I imagined you in my arms again
And smelled your baby smell
I yet I kept right on going
And knowing you’re gone
Once I pretended you were really still here,
Perhaps at the sitters
Or somewhere else near.
Reality came though
And stole you away
So I pictured you in your grave
Drowning in the rain,
Buried under flowers and mud and yuck
The day didn’t stop though
I went right back to work
And kept right on going.
Nothing stops
Nothings halts
Life just keeps right on going
Just a moment I want
Just a single moment
Of really not knowing
Or imagining
Or pretending
Or picturing
Just one moment where you are not gone.