I want to start this blog off my saying I love you all so very much more than you'll ever know. You all keep saying how strong I am, but without you girls & your support I wouldn't be this strong. You give me strength. I am so glad that my baby Jaleel touched your hearts and if there is a heaven then hopefully he's looking down and seeing how many people loved him & how many lives he touched.
Allen & I went to the funeral home to see Jaleel before the wake tonight. I was surprised I held together so well, but I think I did because I wasn't alone with him. The person that did the embalming on Jaleel did such a great job. Jaleel had a mark on his chin & above his lip, but that was from him dying but it's not very noticeable, I noticed because I'm his mommy. His fingernails were dark but that's to be expected, and that had to put something on his lips to give them color. But he looks like he's sleeping. I know it was my brain playing tricks on me but I swear it looked like every once in a while if I looked at him and I'd see his hand move or his chest rise. He looked like he was sleeping not like he was dead. I think it’s because were so use to our babies sleeping so much. I just wanted to hold him & take him home, in theory that would be gross but you know because he didn't look like he was dead. I just wish this was all a dream and he was really sleeping and I could take him home with be. Why couldn't it be like “what a wonderful life" and they I get a choice. I guess because this is real life & not the movies. He looked really good guys. I just didn't want to leave him!!!
So the wake was at 7PM tonight and at first I was doing great. I saw him and wasn't crying. Allen started crying. I feel so helpless I wish I could do something for him besides hold him. The whole family came to view him & say their good-byes to our sweet little angel. I was sitting there looking at him and couldn't help but think how badly I want to take him home, I never wanted anything so much in my life. It's not fair I should be writing about how Jaleel won't give me a moment to myself or how all he ever seems to do it eat, he did seem to love to breastfeed. I remember just sitting there looking at him and thinking I just want to hear him cry again, I want to take him home and have him open those big eyes, or nurse him, or just watching him be content. I just couldn't stop looking at him. I could have looked at him forever. One of Allen's family member’s said some words about Jaleel and said looking at this baby made him think of a fresh flower that still has dew on it & god picked this fresh brand new flower to put in his garden. As he was talking about god I just wanted to scream "SHUT THE HELL UP". I don't want to hear he's with god; I want him here with me. I was a good mommy to him so why if there is a god did he have to take him away from his Mommy & Daddy and all the people that loved him so much. He talked about how Jaleel didn't get to experience the opportunities that we have, and I have been thinking about that since we lost him. Simple things like trying his first real food, or walking, or even the chance to experience failure & disappointment. Ok when I was growing up I never went to church so never believed in him. My ex-husband got me believing in god & reading the bible. But when something like this happens it makes you question a higher power as god. Right now my faith in him is shaken. How could he take away such a precious wonderful little boy who barely just made it here on this planet? How could he bring so much grief and heart wrenching pain to us? Why does he need Jaleel so much when I am the one who needs him the most? What did I do for him to feel the need to take him away? Did I believe in him too late? Did I not pray enough? Did he not agree with my lifestyle? I remember asking a while ago why God takes away babies that are still in their mothers’ wombs or make children suffer and have problems like down syndrome or cebral palasy? Their response was God has a job for people to come to earth and believe in him and some people live 80 years and others finish their time on earth much sooner. I've been thinking about this lately. Maybe Jaleel's purpose on Earth was to spread love and joy in our lives & to die from SIDS so his Mommy could let other mothers & people know how real SIDS is???
Allen asked me if I wanted to touch Jaleel one last time before we left. I told him when everyone left I wanted some time alone with him. I knelt down next to him in his coffin & just cried. I touched his small little hand. I told that his mommy & daddy loved him so much. I told him I'm sorry I couldn't save him, how I just wanted to take him home and have him be alright, I told him how much I miss him and I WILL NEVER forget him!!! The hardest thing was to lose him but the second hardest thing was to leave him. I just couldn't leave my baby boy! Finally Allen came in so we could leave; I just couldn't leave him on my own. I wish he could stay in that funeral forever so I could go see him whenever I wanted. Tonight was the last time I'll ever see him again. Allen told me it was going to be alright but I said it wasn't. God I miss him so much. I'm crying about it right now, it's just not fair!!!! I would do anything to bring him back. I use to love to feel the bottom of his feet & the palms of his hands they were so soft. He had such big feet and such long fingers! On his nose he still had a mark from where he scratched himself a few days ago! He was such a beautiful little boy and I will love and cherish him forever. If anyone asks me how many kids I have I will always say 3!!! I just thought about this maybe Jaleel died so I could make as many people as possible aware of how real SIDS is and hopefully someday we can prevent such a horrible tragedy.
Ashley 4 & Tamara 8 just stayed next to Jaleel's coffin and they kept touching him, so I went over there I didn't want them disturbing my baby. I told them they could look at him but please don't touch him. I can't believe their parents didn't say anything to them. So I said to Allen they are really making me nervous, so he said something to them.
Allen and I are pissed at his stupid stuck-up ass bitch of a sister Diane. No one in the family cares for her, but her brother just lost his son, and she didn't come to his wake and she hasn't even called???? How fucking low is that? For her sake I hope there isn't a god, I mean she should be there for her brother and mourn the loss of her nephew even if she doesn't agree with her brother having a relationship with a white woman and us having Jaleel!
I am going to ask to see him one more time tomorrow at the funeral. So I finally ate a little something today to get my mom and Allen & his family off my damn back already! I'm hoping I can fall asleep faster tonight, nights are the hardest, and I end up crying myself to sleep. Thank you all for your contribute of being with your kids tonight. We all appreciate it so much.
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