Two Mothers, One Journey: To Nay: One Month After

Sunday, September 25, 2011

To Nay: One Month After

Nay,

One month today. Half your life gone so quickly. How did this happen. I still wake up in such disbelief. I still don't know how to do this. I am not sure how to wake up everyday with a broken heart. How do we live like this?
You were supposed to grow old here. I was supposed to see you do a million things. I was not supposed to have a child die. I, I, I, I somehow have managed to make this all about me. But you are safe, you get Jesus I get a broken heart.
I love you so much. I know we only had a year all together but I have loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. I thought that our scary pregnancy was some kind of test. I thought I passed it because you came out perfect. Now I feel like I tricked Nature into giving you to me and when she realized it she took you back.
Either way I ache for you. My arms truly feel empty, like something is lacking. I sleep with your blankets and smell them all the time. They still smell just like you. I love it. I close my eyes and breath you in. For a moment everytime I can almost pretend you're still with me. Almost.
I cannot imagine this emptiness forever. I hope I learn to do this better for your sisters sakes. I am afraid I am not Supermom right now or even acceptable Mom. The house is a wreck. I havent cooked a thing since you have been gone. I keep forgetting to check Kirsten's homework and actually sent her to school today without making her brush her hair because I can't find the hair brush.
Give me a little strength Nay. Ask God for a little hand up because I am struggling here. I love you so much that I am having trouble making room for anyone else, even other people I have always loved.
You were meant to be Naylen. You were supposed to grow old with me. I don't know why you didn't get to. I don't know what happened but I treasure the two months we had. I feel honored to be your Mother.
I am going to cemetary to set you up for Xmas. I love you! And I will meet you there.

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About Jennell

My name is Jennell. I am a chronically ADD mother of four, long term shacking up with the man of my dreams (really ten years in and I still love the way he smells), have some furbabies and four babies of my own. My oldest daughter Kirsten is 13 (going on twenty one!). Kinsley is my second daughter and the sweetest 6 year old ever! Teague is my three year old son. I also have a daughter, Naylen, who would be five years old now. We lost her to SIDS in 2006.
I am not the kind of person who can find the tape and the last pair of scissors I located I tripped over. I have never made it home from the grocery without the bread getting squished. I love to make lists I never complete, chalkboard paint addict, future Country Living feature (I live in a decrepit old, drafty house that I am s...l...o...w...l...y... remodeling, big fan of run on sentences and fragments, have poor punctuation and am pretty repetitive, left handed, live in the South and hate sweet tea (yes I am a traitor), and when I follow politics I am a liberal Democrat with enough parental sense to wish I was a Republican.
I am starting school to pursue my nursing degree. I hope to use my career platform to share safe sleep strategies more successfully. I currently run a small non-profit called Naylen's Hope. We offer baby beds for families in need of one and safe sleep seminars for interested groups.

About Stacey

My name is Stacey and I live in Maine with my wonderful husband Jason, for three years. I have three children Michaela who is a hormonal 13 year old and my son Nick who is a mathematical wizard. I also have another baby Jaleel who was born May 18, 2006 and tragically died June 13, 2006 at 26 days old due to a bed sharing accident.

It has been over five years since my son died and now I educate people on safe sleep and in Jan I will be going to school to work towards my MSW (Masters in social work). I love educating the public on safe sleep and want to do it as my career.

Two Journeys...A Common Path

This is two stories really. Two different women from different places, in different life situations who ended up living through the same nightmare of child loss. This is a compilation of the private journal writings from two different women as they struggled through the loss of their infant children. Naylen and Jaleel were both born and died in 2006. Almost immediately we, Jennell and Stacey, began writing, chronicling our grief journey. We didn't know each other when we lost our children. We met later, crossing paths because of our shared loss. We have both decided to share our private writings in hopes that other people grieving can see that some aspects of grief are universal. Perhaps you can identify with something from our journeys. There is comfort in community and with grief there is nothing off limits, no uncharted territory, and anything goes.