August 2005 I found out I was expecting my third child, after nine months we welcomed our son into the world on May 18, 2006. His name, Jaleel, it means handsome and he was. I remember being in the hospital holding my son and the cleaning lady came in to clean our hospital room and she asked me, “Is that a boy?” Why yes it is I exclaimed. “Well, he is beautiful!” I couldn’t agree more with her. I remember I was in so much pain with a cesarean due to my narrow pelvis followed by a tubal ligation I could barely move from side to side in my hospital bed. I was exhausted even though Jaleel was my shortest labor just under 22 hours and was in excruciating pain from both surgeries and I was lying in bed with my new baby. A nurse came in and told me I am not allowed to sleep with my baby in the hospital, it was one of their rules. So I didn’t but she never mentioned me sleeping with my baby when we left the hospital. I wish she would have, I wish someone would have told me the dangers of sleeping with your infant in your bed. Although, I don’t know if I would have listened, although I like to tell myself I would, because I would do anything to protect my children. Well if only I had known.
I co-slept with my first born because it was so easy. We room shared and when she would wake up to eat in the middle of the night it was just so much easier to put her in bed with me and nurse her while we both fell back asleep. When she would wake up throughout the night, all I had to do was roll over and feed her. I don’t know what those people were talking about when they said that you don’t get very much sleep with newborns. I slept well and so did she. Who ever invented sleeping with your baby was a genius! When she was six weeks old she was sleeping through the night and so she was put to sleep in her crib and our bed sharing days were over. Thankfully, it only lasted six short weeks; if it had lasted longer maybe what happened to my son would have happened to her.
I never planned to bed share with Jaleel it just happened. I was in so much pain from the C-section and getting my tubes tied when I walked I looked like a baby fawn trying to walk for the first time, it wasn’t a pretty site. Jaleel had a crib that I put together myself eight months along. I bet that was a funny sight. A pregnant woman with a big ole basketball belly setting up her baby’s crib. Too bad I don’t have a picture of that! So his crib was all ready and of course what crib would be complete without dangerous pillow-like bumper pads and a soft quilt it’s just a child suffocation death just waiting to happen, although even with Jaleel being my third I didn’t know the first thing about creating a safe sleep environment for him, I wish I had. I never bought a bassinet for him because my first two hated theirs so why buy something no doubt he would hate too. His crib was too big to fit into our bedroom and we didn’t even have a baby monitor, not because we didn’t have money but his dad tends to be thrifty, oh wait he won’t read this will he? Scratch that his dad isn’t thrifty he is cheap. He is so cheap he wouldn’t even buy a swing as he didn’t think it was a necessity, so my mom explained to him that the swing will make Jaleel happy, which in turn will make me happy, and it would be in Allen’s best interest for me to be happy. So with a crib too big to fit in our room, no pack n play, and bassinette bed sharing was all we had left. Not to mention Jaleel’s bedroom was at the other end of the house and if he cried in the middle of the night, we wouldn’t be able to hear him. I remember Allen being concerned that Jaleel would fall off the bed. When we co-slept and Allen was home (he was a truck driver and gone during the week) I would be next to Allen and Jaleel would be next to me sleeping peacefully in my arm. I remember once Jaleel & I were sleeping and Allen woke me up and was like, “Stacey, Don’t let Jaleel fall off the bed!” I assured him I knew where Jaleel was when I slept and he was safe. SAFE HA! Yeah right, oh how naive we can be! Life was perfect and I couldn’t imagine a life without Jaleel. It’s ironic how we say that until we have no choice but to live our life without our child. I cannot tell you how many parents have said. I would kill myself if I didn’t have my child or I couldn’t even imagine. I hear ya sista, I use to be you until my child died. So let me bring you back to that horrible day that my world stop along with my son’s beating heart. It all started on June 12, 2006 when Jaleel was only 25 days old. I noticed the day before he had white patches in his mouth and it was painful for him to nurse. I had been through this twice before; thrush: a yeast infection in the mouth and can be common for babies. So I set up an appointment with Jaleel’s pediatrician to get him some medicine so he could start feeling better. The doctor prescribed him an oral Nystatin and a topical Nystatin cream for me as I was nursing. I gave him his first dose around 6pm and then his Daddy came home which was unusual but I know Allen will forever treasure those few hours he and Jaleel spent just making silly faces at one another. Jaleel loved his daddy who made all those silly faces. One Monday morning when Allen wasn’t home, he left the night before back on the road Jaleel was sitting in his car seat making the famous Kissy face. Jaleel would only make this face for his daddy. It was like he was saying, “Where’s my daddy?” I said sorry Jaleel daddy isn’t here. So when Allen left he put Jaleel on his side of the bed. Jaleel woke up around 10:30pm to eat. I gave him his Nystatin once more, changed him, and nursed him for the last time, and then put him back in our bed. I played on the computer for two more hours. I pushed Jaleel over on my side, when Allen was gone I slept on his side of the bed. I pumped a bottle for tomorrow, as it was my postpartum checkup and wasn’t fond of breastfeeding in public, and then I climbed into bed. The moment I got into bed Jaleel started fussing, and I laid him on my chest and he stopped, but every time I put him back down on the bed he would start fussing again. I was tired and just wanted a little sleep before his next feeding which would be in another hour, or so I thought. I put him back on my chest and said, ‘Jaleel, please go back to sleep.” When I said that I never thought he would go back to sleep, never to wake up again. I had this soft pillow that sometimes I would lay Jaleel on to nurse him. I took the pillow and placed him on it, and he stopped crying and went right back to sleep. I rolled over my back toward him and fell asleep. I always held him in my arms but I didn’t that night, maybe if I had he would still be alive.
This is hard to tell, I awoke the next morning…I think it was 9:30 in the morning. I slept for eight almost nine hours without waking up. Before I even opened my eyes I knew something was wrong. Jaleel never awoke for his 2 am feeding. He always woke me up at 2am and then 6am and we would go back to sleep until 10am and then he’s like ok mommy we need to get our lazy butts out of bed. But this morning would not be like all the others. He wasn’t crying to wake me up like all the other mornings. My shirt was drenched with the over flowing milk he never got to eat throughout the night. I sat up and Jaleel wasn’t there? Was he kidnapped in the middle of the night? I looked to my left and saw the pillow I laid him on the night before, but Jaleel wasn’t there. I lifted the pillow and there was Jaleel. He was on his stomach. I flipped him over. Oh phew, he was just sleeping, his eyes were closed and his mouth was slightly open just like his mommy. But he wasn’t just sleeping, he was dead and I think in my heart I knew it. I remember his fist being clenched. I tried to unclench them but they wouldn’t! I raced to the phone in the kitchen and dialed 9-1-1. The operator answered and I told her my baby wasn’t breathing. This is all a dream right? My baby can’t be dead. I am not strong enough to survive this. The operator told me to perform CPR. I was trained years ago as a teenager when I took a babysitting course. I breathed life into my son, but it didn’t work. He still wasn’t breathing. I was afraid to pick him up, but soon the EMT’s arrived and I showed them into the bedroom where Jaleel was lying lifeless. I didn’t watch them while they worked on him, I should have been in there but maybe I was too busy telling Jaleel’s grandmother as she rushed over when she saw the ambulance and police cars. She was crying, but I wasn’t, I guess from shock that this really could not be happening. One of the EMT’s came out. I don’t remember if he spoke any words or if he just shook his head in a “no” motion but regardless my son was dead and no one could bring him back and my life as I knew it was gone. My world stopped that day; unfortunately it didn’t stop for others. Everyone else went on like the world was a place where babies don’t die, well guess what they do and on June 13, 2006 around 2 am my baby died and I couldn’t save him, because I was sleeping.
I was told I had to leave the house until the coroner came which took an hour for him to get there and another hour before he even came to speak with me. It was raining that day. How fitting, the sky should be sad because a very special soul was lost that day. The coroner came over to Jaleel’s grandmother’s and asked me all sorts of questions. I never told him about the pillow I was scared. Was I going to go to jail? I killed my baby? The coroner told me it looked like Jaleel died from SIDS. SIDS, phew that means I didn’t kill him, but some mysterious shadow lurked in the wee hours of the morning and stole my baby away from me. I was told an autopsy would be performed. NO!!! No one is cutting up my baby, but I didn’t have a choice it was the law when a baby died suddenly and unexpectedly. They removed him from the house and how nice of them to leave the “DO NOT CROSS” tape over the bedroom doorway, thankfully it was removed by a family member before I entered the house. I wasn’t offered to hold Jaleel and when asked if we could see him we were told No by the coroner. He said, you don’t want to see him that way. Oh yeah your right, it isn’t like I am the one who found him or anything! So that was it my son was gone, his life was over, and we had such a wonderful life planned for him. 26 days that is all the time we got with him. I did see him one more time at the wake and I couldn’t leave him. How could I just turn my back on my baby? “Wake up Jaleel, please just WAKE UP!!!” But he didn’t, he lay in that coffin, it was the last time I would ever see him again. I touched his tiny hand, I told him I was sorry I let him die and we would never forget him. His dad came in and practically had to drag me away, I wouldn’t have left any other way!
It’s been over five years now since my son died. In May he would have celebrated his fifth birthday, just another birthday we had to celebrate without him. He would have started kindergarten this year, an empty sit in his classroom and no one even realizes he is missing. It still hurts even five years later but I remember his life, the impact he has made on me, and he has a legacy. His death is teaching other’s how to create a safe sleep environment for their babies. Jaleel lived and died so other babies can live, so another family doesn’t know my pain of the little boy who will always be missing from my life and our family. My daughter still has a hard time with his death; she just wants to hold her baby brother, and my other son he never got to be the wonderful big brother that he planned to be to Jaleel. Our family is forever changed and will never be whole again, much like my heart but he lives on because I educate other parents so they know the dangers of bed sharing, so they know a crib is the safest place for their baby. I am breaking the silence and I have a message BED SHARING KILLS BABIES AND FAMILIES!!!!!
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