Naylen: Three Months Old

Baby Nay,

Another day without you. I have been surrounded by people who love me and you. I have a new appreciation for them all. It has helped make this void in my life not so harsh. But no matter what all the talking in the world cannot fix this for me. I try everyday to remember positive things. It is a work in progress for me baby. I lie down at night and cradle your blankets just to smell you.
I mourn the fact that my body has given up on you even though my heart hasn't. I put your clothes away in your special trunk yesterday. I didn't even cry. It is almost like I am all cried out. I want to cry and scream but it just doesn't come. I feel so broken.
It occured to me yesterday while I was feeling guilty yet again for being able to function that no matter how old you are you would not want me to cease functioning to mourn you. I know this but I cannot stop the guilt. Life just goes right on without you and that seems so unfair. It minimizes your impact. It makes what you are to me seem smaller. But what you are to me is not small.
I think back on being pregnant with you and I remember worrying that having another baby so soon wasn't a good idea. I remember worrying that something would be wrong with you and knowing that that wouldn't matter. Then I think back on the morning you were born. I remember it like I just did it this morning. I was so scared. I didn't get sick with you like I did the other girls. And then you came so quickly and looked so big. I remember being awash with pure joy. Amazed at your perfection. Those lips, those eyes. Your skin was so clear and pretty. And just that tiny little hair fuzz. Your were hairy all over. My peach.
Hey Good Lookin what ya got cookin? I would push your nose and call it your happy button. Or that whole side to side head movement when I touched your face, determination to find a nipple.
We went to Walmart and picked up every pacifier they had to find one you liked. And you liked the same kind Kinsley had. The same kind I had.
You were so warm and heavy in my arms. You loved the baby sling. And the bath. My first bath baby. It took me three babies to figure out lukewarm water is unacceptable for little ones. You loved the car. You loved everyone. The swing. You would stay there for hours. I let you cry more than I had the other two. I knew it wouldnt hurt you. I wish I hadn't. I wish every whimper had sent me running.
I wish I had never put you down. Not once. We were at shop that day and I ran out of diapers and put on of Kinsley's size 5's on you. You were all swallowed up. It was a like a bodysuit.
You loved for Daddy hold you like a football. You wanted us to beat on you all time. No light burping for Naylen. We had to work it out of you.
And the colic. Two hours a night. Constant screaming. I would get so annoyed. So frustrated. Your Dad and I would pass you back and forth. I wish I could hear you cry again. I wouldn't pass you off this time.
You took that bottle right away. I was so hurt that I was so easily replaceable to you. Kinsley and Kirsten resisted the bottle. They only wanted to nurse. You didn't care, food was fod. I took it as a rejection which is so silly. I actually said out loud once that you and I hadn't bonded like I had with your sisters. I recanted it that week before you left me. I am so grateful I knew better.
You were so easy going. Kinsley loved to hold you. "Me hold Baby Nay". I went to the bathroom that time and came back in and she was holding you not sitting down. I was so worried and amused at the same time.
I forgot you in the car at home that day. I was so busy with Kirsen I left you in the car for those few minutes. I came back and you were mad. I can't believe I forgot you. When I got you out you quit crying immediately and fell asleep. Just because I was there.
You were so cute at the greenhouse. That day I cut the tile and some of the water splashed on your seat. There were little orange spots all over your beautiful seat. I washed it. Two days later your diaper exploded and left a little poo spot on the seat. I didn't get it washed yet. Then you died and I was so relieved I hadn't washed it. I was so relieved that it still smelled like you and not pricey fabric softener Daddy likes so much.
We just bought that bedroom suit while I was pregnant with you. We justified spending too much on it by saying that this was the bed our babies would sleep in. We would create our family there. At night we would lie down in it and marvel over the mattress. I could put you in the bed and you would nestle sort of down into it and go to sleep right away. Anywhere else you wanted to lie on me but in the bed you wanted to lie on the mattress. We joked about how you were a girl who liked luxury. You needed down to be comfortable.
You died in that bed. The bed that was supposed to be where we all came back together. You died there.
I walk in the room at see it. I see you there, still and gray. I can't sleep there. I am drawn to look at it. I thought about giving it away but I don't want anyone else sleeping there either. Kirsten wanted to sleep there when she had Sam over but I told them no. I don't want to put another child of mine in that bed. What do I do with this new white elephant in the room? I keep telling myself what  a waste of money it would be to get rid of it. I am still paying for it. And then I tell myself that maybe one day the two months of your life will outweigh that one moment. Maybe I will not see you there dead everytime. Maybe I will see you cooing and nuzzling instead. Maybe I will remember the joy of that bed with you. And when we move maybe it will be like taking you with me. I mean the bassinet and swing are gone. That was your bed so maybe it will bring you to our new home also.
And yet I cannot imagine lying in that bed with Kinsley or loving your father in that bed. The place where you ended. Where life stopped for you. I know this is not something I need to deal with today but it is always present in my mind. Since the place you lived is also the place you died how do I remember it? Which is more important?
I guess it really boils down to was your life more important that your death? And can I live with either answer?
I am still in disbelief that this happened. To me, to you, to us. How did this happen? This gave me God but wasn't there another way? Was I so closeminded that my child had to be my personal sacrificial lamb? Couldn't I have become the person I was meant to be without you dying? If not what does that say about me?
You are my child. I created you. I grew you inside of me. I nursed you and held you and loved you. I don't know how to end that. I don't know how to have an angel when I should have a baby. I would rather have you. Is that selfish? If Heaven is truly what they say then you are better off, free from all of these earthly constrictions. So is it fair of me to want you here instead? I need you here. I want you here. I want you back in my arms with your baby smell and stinky diapers. I want to dress you in frilly little outfits and Old Navy clothes. I want to show you off and gloat about how smart and strong you are. I want to marvel in every burp and be amazed by each basic function. I want to hear your first word and know that you mush be the smartest baby in the world to say it.
I want you back. I can't have that though so now what? I show off albums instead to people who don't know what to say to me? I talk about how beautiful you were? I speak your name into awkward silences forever? The joy your name should have caused now cause discomfort. People are so scared to hurt us and also face the mortality of it. After all we are living breathing proof that children die. That good parents lose their babies. We are living proof that it coudl happen to them. They are scared, they back away from the knowledge of you because of it. It feels like rejection. It feels like they are dismissing you.
You Naylen, my beautiful baby girl. My complete family. My angel now.
We get to live the rest of our lives always coming back to this blanket of sorrow. Nothing will ever fix it. Nothing will make this right. Nothing will justify the life lost and the experiences we should have had together gone. Can people really spend their entire lives with a broken heart?
Love me Naylen, even from above. Don't forget me. Watch over us. See us grow and know that you are growing with us. See our faults and know that we are human. See our strengths and know that we made you. Know that this is where you came from. And know that we are honored to have created you and held you and love you.
You will always be my child. Thirdborn. Forever my baby now. You will always  be my angel. I will look to  the sky and see you. I will feel you around. I will know that this love I have for you cannot be conquered  by so small a thing as death. That it transcends that. You know that too. That death doesn't end what I feel for you. It is a part of me. You are a part of me.
I will meet you there baby girl.
Love, Mommy

Jaleel's Wake June 15 2006

I want to start this blog off my saying I love you all so very much more than you'll ever know.  You all keep saying how strong I am, but without you girls & your support I wouldn't be this strong.  You give me strength.  I am so glad that my baby Jaleel touched your hearts and if there is a heaven then hopefully he's looking down and seeing how many people loved him & how many lives he touched.

Allen & I went to the funeral home to see Jaleel before the wake tonight.  I was surprised I held together so well, but I think I did because I wasn't alone with him.  The person that did the embalming on Jaleel did such a great job.  Jaleel had a mark on his chin & above his lip, but that was from him dying but it's not very noticeable, I noticed because I'm his mommy.  His fingernails were dark but that's to be expected, and that had to put something on his lips to give them color.  But he looks like he's sleeping.  I know it was my brain playing tricks on me but I swear it looked like every once in a while if I looked at him and I'd see his hand move or his chest rise.  He looked like he was sleeping not like he was dead.  I think it’s because were so use to our babies sleeping so much.  I just wanted to hold him & take him home, in theory that would be gross but you know because he didn't look like he was dead. I just wish this was all a dream and he was really sleeping and I could take him home with be.  Why couldn't it be like “what a wonderful life" and they I get a choice.  I guess because this is real life & not the movies.  He looked really good guys.  I just didn't want to leave him!!!

So the wake was at 7PM tonight and at first I was doing great.  I saw him and wasn't crying.  Allen started crying.  I feel so helpless I wish I could do something for him besides hold him.  The whole family came to view him & say their good-byes to our sweet little angel.  I was sitting there looking at him and couldn't help but think how badly I want to take him home, I never wanted anything so much in my life.  It's not fair I should be writing about how Jaleel won't give me a moment to myself or how all he ever seems to do it eat, he did seem to love to breastfeed.  I remember just sitting there looking at him and thinking I just want to hear him cry again, I want to take him home and have him open those big eyes, or nurse him, or just watching him be content.  I just couldn't stop looking at him.  I could have looked at him forever.  One of Allen's family member’s said some words about Jaleel and said looking at this baby made him think of a fresh flower that still has dew on it & god picked this fresh brand new flower to put in his garden.  As he was talking about god I just wanted to scream "SHUT THE HELL UP".  I don't want to hear he's with god; I want him here with me.  I was a good mommy to him so why if there is a god did he have to take him away from his Mommy & Daddy and all the people that loved him so much.  He talked about how Jaleel didn't get to experience the opportunities that we have, and I have been thinking about that since we lost him.  Simple things like trying his first real food, or walking, or even the chance to experience failure & disappointment.  Ok when I was growing up I never went to church so never believed in him.  My ex-husband got me believing in god & reading the bible.  But when something like this happens it makes you question a higher power as god.  Right now my faith in him is shaken.  How could he take away such a precious wonderful little boy who barely just made it here on this planet?  How could he bring so much grief and heart wrenching pain to us? Why does he need Jaleel so much when I am the one who needs him the most?  What did I do for him to feel the need to take him away?  Did I believe in him too late?   Did I not pray enough?  Did he not agree with my lifestyle?  I remember asking a while ago why God takes away babies that are still in their mothers’ wombs or make children suffer and have problems like down syndrome or cebral palasy?  Their response was God has a job for people to come to earth and believe in him and some people live 80 years and others finish their time on earth much sooner.  I've been thinking about this lately.  Maybe Jaleel's purpose on Earth was to spread love and joy in our lives & to die from SIDS so his Mommy could let other mothers & people know how real SIDS is???

Allen asked me if I wanted to touch Jaleel one last time before we left.  I told him when everyone left I wanted some time alone with him.  I knelt down next to him in his coffin & just cried.  I touched his small little hand. I told that his mommy & daddy loved him so much.  I told him I'm sorry I couldn't save him, how I just wanted to take him home and have him be alright, I told him how much I miss him and I WILL NEVER forget him!!!  The hardest thing was to lose him but the second hardest thing was to leave him.  I just couldn't leave my baby boy!  Finally Allen came in so we could leave; I just couldn't leave him on my own.  I wish he could stay in that funeral forever so I could go see him whenever I wanted.  Tonight was the last time I'll ever see him again.  Allen told me it was going to be alright but I said it wasn't.  God I miss him so much.  I'm crying about it right now, it's just not fair!!!!  I would do anything to bring him back.  I use to love to feel the bottom of his feet & the palms of his hands they were so soft.  He had such big feet and such long fingers!  On his nose he still had a mark from where he scratched himself a few days ago!  He was such a beautiful little boy and I will love and cherish him forever.  If anyone asks me how many kids I have I will always say 3!!!  I just thought about this maybe Jaleel died so I could make as many people as possible aware of how real SIDS is and hopefully someday we can prevent such a horrible tragedy.

Ashley 4 & Tamara 8 just stayed next to Jaleel's coffin and they kept touching him, so I went over there I didn't want them disturbing my baby.  I told them they could look at him but please don't touch him.  I can't believe their parents didn't say anything to them.  So I said to Allen they are really making me nervous, so he said something to them.

Allen and I are pissed at his stupid stuck-up ass bitch of a sister Diane.  No one in the family cares for her, but her brother just lost his son, and she didn't come to his wake and she hasn't even called???? How fucking low is that?  For her sake I hope there isn't a god, I mean she should be there for her brother and mourn the loss of her nephew even if she doesn't agree with her brother having a relationship with a white woman and us having Jaleel!

I am going to ask to see him one more time tomorrow at the funeral.  So I finally ate a little something today to get my mom and Allen & his family off my damn back already!  I'm hoping I can fall asleep faster tonight, nights are the hardest, and I end up crying myself to sleep. Thank you all for your contribute of being with your kids tonight.  We all appreciate it so much.

To Nay: One Month After

Nay,

One month today. Half your life gone so quickly. How did this happen. I still wake up in such disbelief. I still don't know how to do this. I am not sure how to wake up everyday with a broken heart. How do we live like this?
You were supposed to grow old here. I was supposed to see you do a million things. I was not supposed to have a child die. I, I, I, I somehow have managed to make this all about me. But you are safe, you get Jesus I get a broken heart.
I love you so much. I know we only had a year all together but I have loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. I thought that our scary pregnancy was some kind of test. I thought I passed it because you came out perfect. Now I feel like I tricked Nature into giving you to me and when she realized it she took you  back.
Either way I ache for you. My arms truly feel empty, like something is lacking. I sleep with your blankets and smell them all the time. They still smell just like you. I love it. I close my eyes and breath you in. For a moment everytime I can almost pretend you're still with me. Almost.
I cannot imagine this emptiness forever. I hope I learn to do this better for your sisters sakes. I am afraid I am not Supermom right now or even acceptable Mom. The house is a wreck. I havent cooked a thing since you have been gone. I keep forgetting to check Kirsten's homework and actually sent her to school today without making her brush her hair because I can't find the hair brush.
Give me a little strength Nay. Ask God for a little hand up because I am struggling here. I love you so much that I am having trouble making room for anyone else, even other people I have always loved.
You were meant to be Naylen. You were supposed to grow old with me. I don't know why you didn't get to. I don't know what happened but I treasure the two months we had. I feel honored to be your Mother.
I am going to cemetary to set you up for Xmas. I love you! And I will meet you there.

Saying Good-Bye To Jaleel...

  Posted Date: : Jun 14, 2006 11:36 PM

I know I just blogged but want to let you know about his funeral...

I am going to re-type the obituary...  Allen's sister in law Joann wrote this and we thought it was very beautiful:

A celebration of life for Jaleel Keshaun Kitchings: May 18,2006- June 13,2006.  The funeral will be at 11am Friday June 16th,2006

                            

  OBITUARY:

On Tuesday morning, June 13,2006, God looked down on earth and chose another beautiful flower from his garden.  That beautiful flower was Jaleel Keshaun Kitchings, born May 18,2006 to Allen & Stacey.  He was with us for only a short while, but the love we shared with him was overwhelming. We thank God for giving Jaleel to us.  Chershing the beautiful memories of Jaleel are his parents, Allen & Stacey.  His brothers Allen Kitchings Jr. and Nicholas Shapiro.  Shemika Langford, Anitra Kitching, and Michaela Fulcher are his sisters.  Jaleel's grandparents Mr. & Mrs. Richard Fulcher and Pearlean Kitchings.  He has a host of aunts,uncles, neices, nephews, and cousins.

J is for the joy you gave us

A is for your astonishing smile

L is for the love you brought into our lives

E is for the everlasting love we will always have for you

E is for eternity that you will spend with God

L is for the laughter you brought us

I asked to have this poem read at the service thank you Ski for the poem.  I cry every time I read it so Allen's daughter Anitra will read it:

Just Those Few Weeks 
by Susan Erlin 
For those few weeks-
We had you to ourselves.
And that seems too short of time
To be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-
We came to know you...
And to love you.
You came to trust us with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When We lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique son has left us, oh so soon

 

You were just those few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To make my life so much richer-
And give me a small glimpse of eternity.

*We changed a few things in the poem to fit Jaleel.*

We will have a wake tomorrow night at 7PM and it will be an open casket for family & friends who want to say good-bye to our precious little boy Jaleel.  The funeral we will have at 11am Friday, that will be an open casket followed by the burial, (we ended up just having a graveside service) and Jaleel will be buried next to Allen's father who died of cancer many years ago.  I will put in Jaleel's casket his pacifier and the Mary J Blige C.D. he loved and would fall asleep to.

This is the program from his funeral:

Naylen

For the first couple weeks after Naylen died I was just on autopilot. I didn't really start to write until people stopped coming over. For us that took about three weeks give or take. I found myself alone with my grief. Trent was back at work on Second and Third shift part time. The kids were at Grandma's alot and when they were home I was pretty self involved. This bad attempt at poetry was one of my first written expressions during that time.

I woke up this morning without you again.
My eyes opened and the knowledge washed back over me,
Dreadfully real and knowing.
I got up anyway
Got the girls ready and started the day
All the while knowing
I came to work,
Pretending along,
Ate breakfast and lunch,
Even knowing you’re gone.
I picked up Big Sister
And gave Kinsley a nap.
I ran some errands,
And kept right on
All the while knowing you’re gone
I stopped several times to savor your face,
The picture on my desk,
I imagined you in my arms again
And smelled your baby smell
I yet I kept right on going
And knowing you’re gone
Once I pretended you were really still here,
Perhaps at the sitters
Or somewhere else near.
Reality came though
And stole you away
So I pictured you in your grave
Drowning in the rain,
Buried under flowers and mud and yuck
The day didn’t stop though
I went right back to work
And kept right on going.
Nothing stops
Nothings halts
Life just keeps right on going
Just a moment I want
Just a single moment
Of really not knowing
Or imagining
Or pretending
Or picturing
Just one moment where you are not gone.

My Thoughts on Jaleel....

 

I have been thinking a lot since I found out my baby boy died yesterday.  They said he died around 2am.  I remember when I found Jaleel I noticed this light pink fluid on the sheet, and they told me today that in most cases when they see that it's usually SIDS.  So that made me feel better. I know this is so sad & horrible but I would have some peace of mind if it was SIDS, because then I'd know that I didn't cause his death.  And I know if it was SIDS that even if I had been awake I probably couldn't have saved him.  I wish I knew it was my last night with him.  I would have held him all night long, and cherished every little thing about him.  Look at those big beautiful eyes I loved so much. I love when he looked up at me with those pretty eyes. I use to love when I nursed him he would sometimes grin twice in a row, and I would take him off my breast so I could see him grin but he wouldn't do it. I just loved holding him in my arms and I would give anything just to hold him one more time, or caress his head. I loved kissing his cheeks, and talking to him. He was smiling a lot lately maybe they weren't real smiles, but I loved and cherished those smiles.  I wish I would have stayed up all night watching over him to make sure he was okay. I think that when I found him & called 911 why didn't I do CPR right away, I mean I am CPR certified, but I think I was just trying to save my baby. I am really level-headed in emergency situations, but lose it when it comes to my kids. When the paramedics said he was dead why didn't I tell them to keep trying?  Maybe because I was in shock, maybe because I knew it was too late to save him.  Maybe I could have saved him but I didn't get that chance.  I think my poor baby who was struggling to live all by himself.  His Mommy was right there but didn't help him.  I think if he died around 2am he was lying dead in that bed for like 7 hours.  My poor baby!!!  Why did this have to happen to him and us?  Why did I go through the whole pregnancy, labor, & have him just to lose him just shy of him being 4 weeks old.  I am glad I had those 3 weeks & 5 days. I am so happy I got to know him, but it’s just not fair!!!  He's supposed to be here sleeping or me nursing him.  He's supposed to make me upset because I just want a break and he won't give me one.  All of my BC friends who had their babies around the same time I did they babies are healthy & alive so why can't Jaleel still be alive?   What did I do for this to happen?  Why did he have to leave us so soon.  I think of how he never had his 1st smile, rolled over for the first time, he never had the chance to get into trouble & have his mommy yell at him as silly as that sounds.  He never got a chance to see what a wonderful world this world can be.  It's so sad when a baby dies so young never experiencing life.  I wish when he upset me and I got mad, I wish I could take that back.  He was just a helpless baby he so didn't deserve this.  He was supposed to outlive me and his daddy.  He was supposed to get to do all the things all of us have had the chance and opportunity to do.  Why did this have to happen to my poor, innocent, precious, little baby boy?

Allen seemed fine today!  How can he be fine why am I crying my eyes out?  How can he be sleeping?  I know I shouldn't feel this way, and I know he loves and misses his baby, but why does he seem so okay with it all today????

I have his hat next to me it smells like him.  I love holding it & smelling him and being reminded of him.  I know that's crazy but it's all I have left, I don't ever want to wash it, because then it won't smell like him. I didn't sleep well last night.  Every time I closed my eyes I could see him the very last time I saw him and I don't want to see that or think of him like that.  I finally fell asleep when I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, and I had to sleep on my back which totally sucked, because every time I rolled onto my side my boobs hurt from being so engorged.

I am exhausted between crying & not sleeping well, but I guess it doesn't compare to what happened to Jaleel. I keep thinking I'm such a baby, stop complaining at least I’m alive.  But I would change his place in a heartbeat just for him to be here, I know it means I wouldn't be here but I've lived for almost 25 years why can't he have that chance too? Doesn't he deserve that?  I haven't eaten since Sunday night, but right now I just can't eat, I don't have the strength.  Jaleel I will always love you and you will never been forgotten!!! I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Jaleel!

Naylen's story

Naylen. I love that name. I spent forever trying to come up with the perfect name. Even before I was pregnant. Trent and I just tossed around all different ones. Our two oldest daughters both had names that start with K. We didn't want a theme so we knew it had to be different. We knew we were having a girl. Trent has this uncanny to call it right off the bat, although honestly I wasn't as confident then in his predictions. I stumbled across Naylen in one of those book of babies names. I had never seen it before or any other book since. It means "Fulfilled Wish".
And Naylen was definitely a wish fulfilled. My oldest daughter was eight, my next daughter had just turned one when we found out we were pregnant. We planned our pregnancy. I had quit nursing and we were even tracking ovulation. When we got confirmation it was just like all our plans had fallen into place.
While I was pregnant we found out that the umbilical cord was malformed. There were several different birth defects that can cause that so we spent the pregnancy classified as high risk. We were closely monitored and enjoyed frequent ultrasounds. We knew that happened our daughter would be okay. We were mentally preparing ourselves for the "worst" but it never occurred to us that we might lose her.
When she was born we were grateful to find that she was absolutely perfect. And she was. Her birth was the easiest of all my babies. She was quick to arrive and while only seven lbs. three oz. she was well proportioned and healthy. I thought she looked fat!
Our life was insanity at the time Naylen was born. I was a full time college student taking online courses. I worked full time as an office manager and actually took the girls to work with me after taking my oldest to school. Trent worked two jobs and his primary was on second shift. Our oldest daughter was in dance, soccer, everything extracurricular you could imagine. We were constantly on the road. Naylen was our first car baby. She loved the car and rarely cried. Since my older girls had HATED the car we were thrilled. She was easygoing in everything. She loved the girls, loved her Dad and I. She took right to nursing and was only fussy at night for a couple hours. We called them the "witching hours". Trent would get home from work right as she was winding down. I would be exhausted and hand him to her saying "Take your baby". He would pace the floor holding like her a football and she would be fine.
I breastfed and we were huge advocates of attachment parenting. I had a baby sling and we co-slept. Our toddler slept in our room in her own toddler bed. Usually she crawled in bed with us in the middle of the night. We had practiced bed sharing with both our girls and loved the convenience of nursing at night. We had a crib with our older girls but never used them so when Naylen was born we opted not to get one. We did get a bassinet for downstairs.
Because she was our third daughter we were much more relaxed with her. We were confident in our parenting and sure that we always made the right decision for our babies.
This is the story of how we lost Nay. How our lives were forever changed in one moment:
This is the day I have most dreaded writing about. As though somehow writing it out in detail will make it harder to relive but I know that I relive it every day in my mind. I constantly think back to see if I missed a sign. If there was something I should have done different. Did I make the most of it? The truth is I don't know. It was just like any day. Busy and hectic.
It was Saturday. I had decided to take Kirsten to Build A Bear for her birthday. Kinsley also, her birthday was the day before. Kirsten took a friend, Angela. A sweet little girl who has always spent a lot of time at our house. We got up that morning and it was a little late. The first thing we did was go to Chin Song in Asheboro and eat. Chicken fried rice and egg rolls all around. It was a nice lunch and then we all headed to Greensboro. Trent was not with us, He was fourwheeling that day. I had thought I might meet up with Jamie or Nicole but it was okay that I didn't. It was our first trip to Build A Bear so the girls were very excited. We got to the mall. Nay cried a bit on the way. I used to say in the car "somebody plug that baby". Kirsten would always jump up and give her her passy. I am sure I said that that day several times. Once we got to the mall we went straight to Build A Bear. We had to ride the elevator and the stroller was too big to fit in it so I had to break it down to get in the door. Kinsley was a handful that day. Very excited at the mall. Kirsten and Angela were a big hit.
Once we got to Build A Bear the line was so long. The girls picked their bears at the entrance in the line. Nay woke up then mad and I had to hold her. So the stroller became a liability in the store.
I remember that I was sort of frustrated. I knew Kirsten and Angela would be fine but Kinsley needed help and I had my hands full. I didn't want Kirsten to have to help her since this was also her day and she should not have to share it being a babysitter. I parked the stroller in a corner and just tried to follow Kinsley around. We did okay. Nay was okay as long as I was holding her. The girls picked up all kinds of bear accesories. I couldn't properly supervise the situation so I was a little put out at the register. We reached the point where you make birth certificates for you bears. I truly did not have enough hands for that. There was this lady in line behind me who offered to hold Nay. I was hesitant. After all she was stranger. But I let her because I really had no choice. Nay liked her and smiled the whole time. I did not make Nay a bear. I said we would wait until she was older.
When we left the store I went right out to the couches outside the store to feed Nay. A grandmother was sitting there with her grandbaby who was little but older than Nay. We talked about nursing and the store and everyday stuff. Nay quieted right down. We bought some cookies and braved the elevator again. The girls wanted to shop but I was ready ready to go. We stopped outside where I called Trent. He was supposed to meet us on 311 because we also had plans that night with friends to go bowling and eat.
Nay was fussy in the car but she finally fell asleep. We picked up Trent and went to meet them at Cici's Pizza. It was super crowded. We all ate and I held Nay sort of sitting her on the table. She was giggly and I remember kissing her and smelling her head. Trent held her too while we mock argued about feeding her icing. We left the restaraunt and went to the Bowling Alley. Nay was great. The girls had fun. Everyone held her. Marinda played with her feet. We talked about all kinds of things that night, including co-sleeping. We were big advocates of it. It was a late night. We bowled a lot. Two games I think with nine people. When we left there it was raining. Just a little. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts. It was the first time Trent and I had been there. We ate all sorts of different donuts and Nay just slept in her seat. They closed the store around us. We finally left and headed home. It was raining really bad. I dropped Trent off at his car on 311. It was pouring. I was so grateful that kids were wiped out and Nay was asleep because I get nervous driving in that kind of rain. Once we got home all the girls went to bed. Nay was in the swing peacefully asleep. Trent and I went online to look at the Black Friday sales and we just sat up and talked. It was around one when we went to bed. It was a wholely normal day. Unspectatculor just normal. I washed my face while Trent carried Nay upstairs. He changed her downstairs and she never woke up. When I came in the bedroom Nay was at the top of the bed beside his head. He was sitting up sort of kissing her and singing to her. She was peacefully sleeping. I remember being relieved that she didn't wake up because I didn't want to feed her again. I was tired. I fell right to sleep and just left Nay where she was. I don't even remember going to sleep just laying down.
The next thing I remember is waking up. It was daylight. Before I even raised my head from the pillow I knew something was wrong. It was so quiet. Nay had not woken up to eat. I jumped up backwards still on the bed. Kinsley had crawled in the bed with us. Nay was silent. Still. She was gray and I could tell she wasn't breathing. I touched her. Just quickly, scared to touch her and she was cold. Stiff, not really stiff just not normal. I remember screaming to Trent to wake up. Wake up. He jumped up and I was still yelling. I saw a spot of what looked like blood but it was dry. He was yelling "what do we do, oh my god what do we do" I kept saying I don't know, He touched her and she was so still. Kinsley was awake at the top of the bed sitting on my pillow. I grabbed the phone. It was charged. That phone is never charged. But it was and I called 911. I don't remember exactly what I said. The operator told us to do CPR. I couldn't touch her. I couldn't do it. Trent did. He stood there on the side of our bed and tried to breathe life into Naylen. I kept saying it is too late to the operator but she told us to keep trying. We saw the ambulance come up through the window. Kirsten was in the hallway with Angela crying. I told her to get out of my room. Trent ran downstairs and let them in. They rushed in and grabbed Nay so quickly. They acted like they could save her. I saw her pacifier on the bed. I grabbed it. They wouldnt let me in the ambulance. I couldn't see what they were doing. They said to meet them at the hospital. I ran in and threw on clothes. I grabbed Kinsley and we all jumped in the car. The police were at our house but we just left them there. Trent dropped me off at the door of the hospital. I ran into the the ER they said they were working on her in the back. They wouldn't let me back there. They took me to a room. Not a regular room, like a private lounge. Trent came in and brought the girls. They would not tell us anything. Part of me knew but part of me really believed that they could save her. That maybe she would just be have brain damage. They asked if we wanted to call someone. I didn't know who to call. Then I realized that Jamie would have everyones number. So I called her cell but she didn't answer. I called back I think. I told her to come to the hospital something was wrong with My Nay. She told me later that is what I said.
A doctor came in. He said "A terrible thing has happened." Then he stopped. I cried. I don't remember what I did or said. The the doctor started talking again. Like he quit in mid sentence and then picked right back up a minute later "A child had died"
I don't remember what we said or did but I wanted to see her. They took me out of the room and Trent too I think. They led us to this room. Nay was on the bed. She looked so tiny. She was wrapped in a big hospital blanket. A white one. Swaddled. They let me pick her up. I sat down with her. She had tubes in her nose and mouth. She looked so still. She felt the same. To hold her I mean. I rocked her and rocked her. Jamie came at some point. The nurses came in and asked who to call. I told Jamie to call everyone. I think the nurses called Mom. I don't know. People started showing up. My Mom, my sister, Trent's family. Everyone was crying. Joe cried. I had never seen him cry. Kirby cried. Kinsley was in that room still. Annette tended to her. Angela's parents were not home and nobody could find them. I think Jamie finally took her home. I don't know. Kirsten went to her Dad's. I don't remember seeing her again at the hospital. Trent held Nay for a minute I think. I squeezed her too hard. I held her so close hoping to squeeze life back into her. I could not put her down. She exhaled a few times. I thought she was okay for a minute. She even passed gas. I just kept rocking her. Some woman came with a camera and a box. A little purple paper box. She took Nay's footprints while I held her. I didn't want picture of Nay like that. I told her to take the camera away. She left it though. I remember being bothered that she left it. THey put Nay's onesie in that box. That paper box.
I kept holding her. I knew I couldn't leave if someone didn't make me. I didn't know where I would go when I did leave. Where do you go when your baby dies. My Mom and Trent told me I had to leave her there. That it was time to go. Trent cried and cried. He vomited. The nurse took her from me. She pulled her out of my arms. I went out of the room and she was already gone. I wanted to see where they were taking her. If they were going to put her in a drawer somewhere. They wouldn't let me take the tubes out. I almost fell walking down the hall. I wanted to know which way they took her. We went to the car. I don't know where the kids were. I think we drove home. I don't remember. I know we were in our car. We went home and everyone was there. Trent's grandma. I called Kirsten, I wanted her to come home. People kept showing up. People who worked with Trent, Family, everyone. Jimmy and Melissa brought Kirsten. They came in. They never come in. Misty went and developed the pictures from the night before. We asked my Mom to call the funeral home. Gloria came. I think people were leaving then, I don't remember. She asked us some questions and set up an appt for the next day. She said we could see Nay as soon as they brought her back from the autopsy. I don't remember most of that day. I don't remember where the day went. I know it was eight thirty when I woke up. I don't know how long we were at the hospital. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know where Kirsten went that night. She didn't come with us. We couldn't stay at the house. We went to get all the pictures of Nay developed. It was surreal walking around that night. We stopped at the Waffle House waiting for a photo lab to open. We couldn't eat. We just sat there. Looking at everyone laugh and smile as though the world had not just ended. I wanted to stand up and scream Don't you know what happened today.
We went to Annettes I think to sleep. I don't remember if we slept. I don't remember what we did. I think we also went and talked to Trent's pastor. For the next week I only remember snippets. We planned a funeral. We went to a funeral. We buried our baby.
November 12th. Two days after Kinsley's birthday. Two days before Kirsten's. Naylen died during our week of celebration. I woke up and Naylen was gone. I didn't kiss her goodnight. I didn't whisper in her ear that I loved her. I took for granted that there would always be tomorrow for that. I have this sign that goes in the bedroom. It is one of those pretty plaque like signs you see hanging. It says "Always kiss me goodnight". I didn't.
That morning, those first moments are burned into my mind. I see them whenever I close my eyes. I see her gray and still lying that bed. That bed that was supposed to be so much more than that. I still cannot pinpoint the moment it went wrong. I cannot tell you what made her die that day. We did nothing different. Not significantly.
I can say that I cannot remember ever for over two years now falling instantly to sleep until that night. I cannot remember when Kinsley got in our bed that night. I always knew when she got in our bed. Sometimes I think it was supposed to be that way. We were supposed to be asleep and not see when death stole our baby. But if feels like the cruelest joke ever to know that we laid in that bed asleep while our baby died in between us. That we laid there beside her body just sleeping.

Jaleel's Story: A life Lost

August 2005 I found out I was expecting my third child, after nine months we welcomed our son into the world on May 18, 2006. His name, Jaleel, it means handsome and he was. I remember being in the hospital holding my son and the cleaning lady came in to clean our hospital room and she asked me, “Is that a boy?” Why yes it is I exclaimed. “Well, he is beautiful!” I couldn’t agree more with her. I remember I was in so much pain with a cesarean due to my narrow pelvis followed by a tubal ligation I could barely move from side to side in my hospital bed. I was exhausted even though Jaleel was my shortest labor just under 22 hours and was in excruciating pain from both surgeries and I was lying in bed with my new baby. A nurse came in and told me I am not allowed to sleep with my baby in the hospital, it was one of their rules. So I didn’t but she never mentioned me sleeping with my baby when we left the hospital. I wish she would have, I wish someone would have told me the dangers of sleeping with your infant in your bed. Although, I don’t know if I would have listened, although I like to tell myself I would, because I would do anything to protect my children. Well if only I had known.
I co-slept with my first born because it was so easy. We room shared and when she would wake up to eat in the middle of the night it was just so much easier to put her in bed with me and nurse her while we both fell back asleep. When she would wake up throughout the night, all I had to do was roll over and feed her. I don’t know what those people were talking about when they said that you don’t get very much sleep with newborns. I slept well and so did she. Who ever invented sleeping with your baby was a genius!  When she was six weeks old she was sleeping through the night and so she was put to sleep in her crib and our bed sharing days were over. Thankfully, it only lasted six short weeks; if it had lasted longer maybe what happened to my son would have happened to her.
I never planned to bed share with Jaleel it just happened. I was in so much pain from the C-section and getting my tubes tied when I walked I looked like a baby fawn trying to walk for the first time, it wasn’t a pretty site. Jaleel had a crib that I put together myself eight months along. I bet that was a funny sight. A pregnant woman with a big ole basketball belly setting up her baby’s crib. Too bad I don’t have a picture of that! So his crib was all ready and of course what crib would be complete without dangerous pillow-like bumper pads and a soft quilt it’s just a child suffocation death just waiting to happen, although even with Jaleel being my third I didn’t know the first thing about creating a safe sleep environment for him, I wish I had.  I never bought a bassinet for him because my first two hated theirs so why buy something no doubt he would hate too. His crib was too big to fit into our bedroom and we didn’t even have a baby monitor, not because we didn’t have money but his dad tends to be thrifty, oh wait he won’t read this will he? Scratch that his dad isn’t thrifty he is cheap.  He is so cheap he wouldn’t even buy a swing as he didn’t think it was a necessity, so my mom explained to him that the swing will make Jaleel happy, which in turn will make me happy, and it would be in Allen’s best interest for me to be happy. So with a crib too big to fit in our room, no pack n play, and bassinette bed sharing was all we had left. Not to mention Jaleel’s bedroom was at the other end of the house and if he cried in the middle of the night, we wouldn’t be able to hear him. I remember Allen being concerned that Jaleel would fall off the bed. When we co-slept and Allen was home (he was a truck driver and gone during the week) I would be next to Allen and Jaleel would be next to me sleeping peacefully in my arm. I remember once Jaleel & I were sleeping and Allen woke me up and was like, “Stacey, Don’t let Jaleel fall off the bed!” I assured him I knew where Jaleel was when I slept and he was safe. SAFE HA! Yeah right, oh how naive we can be!  Life was perfect and I couldn’t imagine a life without Jaleel. It’s ironic how we say that until we have no choice but to live our life without our child. I cannot tell you how many parents have said. I would kill myself if I didn’t have my child or I couldn’t even imagine. I hear ya sista, I use to be you until my child died. So let me bring you back to that horrible day that my world stop along with my son’s beating heart. It all started on June 12, 2006 when Jaleel was only 25 days old. I noticed the day before he had white patches in his mouth and it was painful for him to nurse. I had been through this twice before; thrush: a yeast infection in the mouth and can be common for babies. So I set up an appointment with Jaleel’s pediatrician to get him some medicine so he could start feeling better.  The doctor prescribed him an oral Nystatin and a topical Nystatin cream for me as I was nursing.  I gave him his first dose around 6pm and then his Daddy came home which was unusual but I know Allen will forever treasure those few hours he and Jaleel spent just making silly faces at one another.  Jaleel loved his daddy who made all those silly faces.  One Monday morning when Allen wasn’t home, he left the night before back on the road Jaleel was sitting in his car seat making the famous Kissy face. Jaleel would only make this face for his daddy. It was like he was saying, “Where’s my daddy?” I said sorry Jaleel daddy isn’t here. So when Allen left he put Jaleel on his side of the bed. Jaleel woke up around 10:30pm to eat. I gave him his Nystatin once more, changed him, and nursed him for the last time, and then put him back in our bed. I played on the computer for two more hours. I pushed Jaleel over on my side, when Allen was gone I slept on his side of the bed. I pumped a bottle for tomorrow, as it was my postpartum checkup and wasn’t fond of breastfeeding in public, and then I climbed into bed. The moment I got into bed Jaleel started fussing, and I laid him on my chest and he stopped, but every time I put him back down on the bed he would start fussing again. I was tired and just wanted a little sleep before his next feeding which would be in another hour, or so I thought. I put him back on my chest and said, ‘Jaleel, please go back to sleep.” When I said that I never thought he would go back to sleep, never to wake up again. I had this soft pillow that sometimes I would lay Jaleel on to nurse him. I took the pillow and placed him on it, and he stopped crying and went right back to sleep. I rolled over my back toward him and fell asleep. I always held him in my arms but I didn’t that night, maybe if I had he would still be alive.
This is hard to tell, I awoke the next morning…I think it was 9:30 in the morning. I slept for eight almost nine hours without waking up. Before I even opened my eyes I knew something was wrong. Jaleel never awoke for his 2 am feeding. He always woke me up at 2am and then 6am and we would go back to sleep until 10am and then he’s like ok mommy we need to get our lazy butts out of bed. But this morning would not be like all the others. He wasn’t crying to wake me up like all the other mornings. My shirt was drenched with the over flowing milk he never got to eat throughout the night. I sat up and Jaleel wasn’t there? Was he kidnapped in the middle of the night? I looked to my left and saw the pillow I laid him on the night before, but Jaleel wasn’t there. I lifted the pillow and there was Jaleel. He was on his stomach. I flipped him over. Oh phew, he was just sleeping, his eyes were closed and his mouth was slightly open just like his mommy. But he wasn’t just sleeping, he was dead and I think in my heart I knew it. I remember his fist being clenched. I tried to unclench them but they wouldn’t! I raced to the phone in the kitchen and dialed 9-1-1. The operator answered and I told her my baby wasn’t breathing. This is all a dream right? My baby can’t be dead.  I am not strong enough to survive this. The operator told me to perform CPR. I was trained years ago as a teenager when I took a babysitting course. I breathed life into my son, but it didn’t work. He still wasn’t breathing. I was afraid to pick him up,  but soon the EMT’s arrived and I showed them into the bedroom where Jaleel was lying lifeless. I didn’t watch them while they worked on him, I should have been in there but maybe I was too busy telling Jaleel’s grandmother as she rushed over when she saw the ambulance and police cars. She was crying, but I wasn’t, I guess from shock that this really could not be happening. One of the EMT’s came out. I don’t remember if he spoke any words or if he just shook his head in a “no” motion but regardless my son was dead and no one could bring him back and my life as I knew it was gone. My world stopped that day; unfortunately it didn’t stop for others. Everyone else went on like the world was a place where babies don’t die, well guess what they do and on June 13, 2006 around 2 am my baby died and I couldn’t save him, because I was sleeping.
I was told I had to leave the house until the coroner came which took an hour for him to get there and another hour before he even came to speak with me. It was raining that day. How fitting, the sky should be sad because a very special soul was lost that day. The coroner came over to Jaleel’s grandmother’s and asked me all sorts of questions. I never told him about the pillow I was scared.  Was I going to go to jail? I killed my baby? The coroner told me it looked like Jaleel died from SIDS. SIDS, phew that means I didn’t kill him, but some mysterious shadow lurked in the wee hours of the morning and stole my baby away from me. I was told an autopsy would be performed. NO!!! No one is cutting up my baby, but I didn’t have a choice it was the law when a baby died suddenly and unexpectedly. They removed him from the house and how nice of them to leave the “DO NOT CROSS” tape over the bedroom doorway, thankfully it was removed by a family member before I entered the house. I wasn’t offered to hold Jaleel and when asked if we could see him we were told No by the coroner. He said, you don’t want to see him that way. Oh yeah your right, it isn’t like I am the one who found him or anything! So that was it my son was gone, his life was over, and we had such a wonderful life planned for him. 26 days that is all the time we got with him. I did see him one more time at the wake and I couldn’t leave him. How could I just turn my back on my baby? “Wake up Jaleel, please just WAKE UP!!!” But he didn’t, he lay in that coffin, it was the last time I would ever see him again. I touched his tiny hand, I told him I was sorry I let him die and we would never forget him. His dad came in and practically had to drag me away, I wouldn’t have left any other way!
It’s been over five years now since my son died. In May he would have celebrated his fifth birthday, just another birthday we had to celebrate without him. He would have started kindergarten this year, an empty sit in his classroom and no one even realizes he is missing. It still hurts even five years later but I remember his life, the impact he has made on me, and he has a legacy. His death is teaching other’s how to create a safe sleep environment for their babies. Jaleel lived and died so other babies can live, so another family doesn’t know my pain of the little boy who will always be missing from my life and our family. My daughter still has a hard time with his death; she just wants to hold her baby brother, and my other son he never got to be the wonderful big brother that he planned to be to Jaleel. Our family is forever changed and will never be whole again, much like my heart but he lives on because I educate other parents so they know the dangers of bed sharing, so they know a crib is the safest place for their baby. I am breaking the silence and I have a message BED SHARING KILLS BABIES AND FAMILIES!!!!!